Can you swim?

What is seen

2008-06-03T20:23:00.001-04:00

A man sharing his orange slushy with a woman. An anxious mother followed my her young daughter, several paces back. The nervous boy, clearly from out of town, with his fanny pack up around the middle of his chest, cluched to his side. The endless stream of boys and girls in the first flushes of hormones, giggling off of eachother. Kids buying trinkets at the cheapo vendors in the atrium. Metro employees getting dinner before heading back to work and office workers getting dinner before heading back to an empty home. The pregnant young woman - a girl really, with her distracted boyfriend who is chattering away to someone on his cell phone. The two kids walking by with matching green casts on their right forearms. The improbably tense woman with her shoulders all scrunced up and hunched over, walking by with a Victoria's Secret bag on her arm, sexuality hidden. The teenaged boy with the hot pink hightops and beige checkered shorts buying some piece of cheap jewlery, thanking the vendor and walking off with his purchase - for a special someone perhaps? The hugely muscled man walkikng by, pulling his rolling backpack. The guys, too cool for school, lounging at their table, sunglasses on, hat askew just so. The toddler girl in the stroller in line infront of me, with her hair in twists and the biggest smile on her face, brining warmth and joy to all humanity around her. The military man with gray hair, holding the door open for the woman behind him, leading the man infront of me to hold the door for me, leading me to hold the door for the woman behind me. The old man with the pita pocket dinner reading the evening paper alone at his table. The large man who works at the novelty t-shirt booth, in his jean shorts and plaid multicolored shirt, ever so carefully refolding a pile of garishly colored tie dyed "I 'heart' DC" t-shirts as he answers questions for a group of boys about the merits of hats vs. hoodies. The young man, typing away on his phone, watching the world go by. The man who gets up and heads home.

On being present

2008-05-27T19:31:00.001-04:00

I had a really deep, meaningfull group today. There was a time for me to really speak up and give voice to my emotion and to be seen, in the context of seeing another person. I felt really, really present, and felt that i could really be there for this other person. It was a really (i'm using "really" a lot here, yes?) meaningfull experience, and i'm quite happy to have experienced it. And the exceptionally cool thing was that my hips felt looser afterwards than i have ever felt them. Yay for good work!

Spring is coming

2008-03-20T00:19:00.003-04:00

and I can't wait - can't wait to get out and run again, to bike to work, to keep windows open all day...

3/12/2008 Dream

2008-03-13T12:04:00.002-04:00

I'm out in public in a crowd of people and this announcement come on that the olympic volleyball team will be playing a re-match, but that they must pay some amount of money for each play in the game. at which point George Bush comes on the loudspeaker to say that he'll start the process by giving all the money he has in his pockets to the volleyball team. I see him just over there on the sidewalk talking into a microphone, and see that pulls out a wad of bill and some loose change and puts them into an envelope. I know that i'm tasked with taking that money up to the whitehouse where there is an observer on the roof who will take the money and hold it. I go over and collect the money from him. as soon as he stops talking on the microphone, people start ignoring him, even though he's the president and people are walking right by him. we both start walking towards the whitehouse, and i make a comment to him that doesn't he remember me - i was in some parade of some sort. And then he's gone, and i arrive at the whitehouse and go through the check in process - i have to sign in on the official, ceremonial log. but it's taking me a long time, because i only have a fat red permanent marker to write with, and my handwriting is all childish. As I'm writing, someone makes a comment that I must be a republican, to which i reply - why would you think that? and they say that, i must be, because - look - I'm running an errand for George Bush! to which I say, no - i just have empathy and compassion for everyone. and the person says - everyone? and I say - everyone. and then i finish signing in, and we dash up the stairs - it's a race, really. there is a guard leading the way, and we're running higher and higher up the building, through working spaces, until we get to the final escalator to the attic - it's mostly archives up here - there are some workers doing something, but they mostly ignore me. and i'm running past the file cabinets to the final stairs that lead up to the very top of the building, and i see out of the corner of my eye a photographer steps out from behind the bookshelves to take my picture as I cross the "finish line", as if i'm performing a ceremonial duty that should be captured for posterity.

3/11/2008 Dream

2008-03-12T18:55:00.002-04:00

I start at a mall, where i run into a coworker who happens to run into me. later i find myself at home - IH is there, and i'm in my bedroom and there is a strange person sitting up in my bed. He has on an HB Woodlawn t-shirt - my high school. i start talking to him and it sounds like he has had a lot of experiences similar to mine. but just as he's starting to talk about his t-shirt he gets up and is instantly replaced by a different person - but the setup is the same, as if i'm supposed to thing the person has not changed. the new person picks up the conversation in the same place as the old guy, and starts talking about HB as if he had gone there. but i grill him on it and it quickly becomes clear that he never went to HB, that it was a ruse to try to get me to be comfortable with him and to let my guard down. Then the co-worker from before shows up, and it becomes clear that he had subliminaly planted the seed in my mind when we were talking before that i had to be home at 6:30 - which i was. and it turns out that he's much smarted and clever than i had realized at work. it turns out that he's part of a group of people that have been watching me and monitoring me from a little ways off, but now it's time for them to come in closer and take a more hands on approach to monitoring me. i don't understand all this. then this guy goes into the bathroom and starts setting up the monitoring equipment - he's drilling holes in the floor and the walls to run cables and wires, and i'm getting frustrated that he's damaging my house. i see that a main bundle of wires in coming in from outside and being routed through the holes in the bathroom. i look out the window, and see the bundle of wires leading away from the house - only, they're not going to a normal telephone pole like any other wire - they're leading up into the sky - way up high and out of site. i have no idea how far up they go. and now i'm really worried about these people - they say they're here to help me, but they don't seem to really _see_ me. IH and i go downstairs to the dining room, and IH makes some sort of comment that distracts the two people for a moment, and i know i must get away. i tear off out of the room - through the door, through the kitchen, to the outside. it try to latch the door closed behind me, but it won't lock - i just suceed in slowing myself down. just as they guy bursts through the door after me i jump up onto a wheelbarrow type of thing and launch up into the air, and am suddenly gliding up off the ground - i glide up until i'm about 50 feet off the ground and then turn around and hang in the air and look down at the people - it's clear they don't have this power to come after me, and that i may be able to get away. i also have the power to reach down and pull IH up with me, which I do.

The bubble

2008-03-08T19:19:00.015-05:00

At the end of my street is Hoffman-Boston Elementary School. Thirty two years ago I attended both nursery school and then Kindergarten from 1975 through 1980. I've been doing a lot of internal examination and exploration of myself over these past few years, and have just recently come to recognize the core thing I struggle with was with me from nursery school, if not earlier. How fortunate is it that I find myself living one block from this beginning? Is this the gift of my second marriage, to have led me to this neighborhood, to leave me here, by myself, to do this hard work? It was K who found this house, almost by accident, and it required my first marriage to dissolve so that I would need to move here. When the way forward is not clear, go back to the beginning. Go back as far as you can and sit there, look around, remember what it was like to be very young and to be in your own world.

I remember being two or three years old, attending Hoffman-Boston - going there for the mornings, and at some point transitioning to staying for both the morning and afternoon sessions. I remember being a quiet kid, keeping to myself. There were several "stations" in our classroom where a kid could learn to do things - like tying a shoe, or buttoning things, or zipping things up, or polishing silver (and what was that all about?). But the station I spent most of my time was the clay table - where there was grey clay you could play with. And I would spend all my time there.

I recall going to recess, and I had this game I would play. I had a belt that had a magnetic clasp, where if you twisted it a certain way, as if you were opening the clasp, it would make a clicking noise. So my game was that I was a secret agent or a spy of some sort, and I was on a mission. But if I were to get into trouble, I would make this clicking noise on my belt, which would be the signal for my friends to come running and rescue me. I had it in my mind that my friends all knew about this, and were in on the game, and I could see them over there, climbing on the jungle gym. So I clicked my belt. But of course, they were too far off to hear it, and I hadn't really told them about the game or the clicking belt. But in my world, I had, and they were part of the game. And of course they never came running to rescue me.

During snack time we would all to to the refrigerator and get milk to go with our snack. But I never liked chocolate milk, and for some reason that was all the classroom ever seemed to have, so I would have to run over to the main office refrigerator to get my plain milk, and run back to class. Now, the building our classroom was in must have been the original schoolhouse for the area - it's a small three or four room building. Over time the new school was built in a U shape around the old schoolhouse, but the two buildings were never connected, so to get to the main office you had to go outside, and into the other building. One day the class was going outside to have snack time. Everyone went out and down the hill to sit in a picnic. But I had to run to the office first to get my milk. Not wanting to be late and miss anything, I ran down the sidewalk connecting the two buildings. But I tripped on something, and fell, sliding on my hands and knees and getting pretty badly torn up.

From this early age I was creating my own world, all inside my head. I think I did this because the real world really didn't make sense to me, and no one seemed to be explaining it to me. In _my_ world, however, everything made sense. I was a part of a rich, vibrant reality. As I grew older, this reality stayed with me and served me well. When I was old enough to ride a bike, I would ride down to the park and spend hours playing in the stream or exploring in the woods, all by myself. I was never lonely, because in my reality I was never alone - I was always part of a larger universe.

I have a vivid memory of third grade - I was in math class, and was wearing a red plaid flannel shirt. And in my world, I was a lumberjack, and were it not for this class I had to take I would be doing my lumberjack duties down at the saw mill. I remember talking under my breath to the lumberjack dispatcher about how, as soon as I got out of class, I would come back to the saw mill and get back to work. I knew this was not real, but at the same time it was quite vivid and real.

This world I created for myself suited me quite well - it made sense and was a safe, fun place for me to be. And, as a child, my world paralleled quite nicely with the "real" child's world, so there really wasn't any real problem. However, as I grew older, I never left that world. The real child's world gradually became an adults world. But here I am, existing inside my child's world still. What this means to me is that in order to really "be" in the adult world, I must translate what I'm seeing and experiencing outside of this "bubble" I'm in, and recreate it inside of my world, because, you see, I'm the only real person inside of my world. This has been my place of existence, and for me to really be a part of the adult world, I find that I must take what I'm seeing outside the bubble, and recreate it inside the bubble, and then interact with this fiction I've created. Can you imagine how much work that is? Have you ever played the Telephone game, where a message is passed from one person to another and another and so on, and you realize that over time the message has become corrupted? What if you only interacted with the world through a game of telephone, where each interaction outside of the bubble passed through this prism - you'd be reacting to something that resembles reality, but isn't really.

From time to time I've been able to step outside off the bubble - to truly exist in the world. But I've never been able to stay there - I've always had to return to the bubble to survive. But now I can no longer stay in this place. I must come out and live in the world. If I am to have any chance at emotional survival, I must be born. And yet I fear leaving this world, this rich place where I feel most creative. I really feel the uniqueness of looking at the world through this prism, of seeings a little differently, from a different angle. I would like to bring that out of the bubble.

I've come back to the beginning. My house is a physical representation of the bubble - a rich, vibrant place where I am most often alone. And yet, I cannot stay here - I must move on. I have been brought back to the beginning, literally parked right outside of where it began, like a construction office trailer outside of a new building. A necessary to do work, but never meant to last.

I can see the bubble now. I can even feel the bubble. I can feel it clinging to me, this too large adult sitting in a child's world. I can feel the clingy fabric of that world press against me as I try to stand and stretch - I'm just too big for this world anymore.

When you're with me, and I don't really seem there - it's probably because I'm not. I'm in my world, and to be with you I have to make this real time translation between "out there" and "in here" - it's a lot of work! Anyone who has learned a new language might recall trying to carry a conversation on in that new language, only, you're not speaking Spanish in your head, you're speaking English. And you have to take those Spanish words, change them to English to understand what's been said, and then take your English words, translate them to Spanish and pass them back. That's an involved process!

I can feel the bubble. I can reach out and touch it, see the edges, feel what it's like to step outside, and feel what it's like to be inside and overwhelmed with translating. Sometimes I'm here with you, sometimes I'm just not able to be there. But I can see and feel that boundary now. And that's a new thing.

Did Harry Potter's adventures never happen...

2008-03-06T17:18:00.002-05:00

Harry Potter is introduced to us as a tortured soul - his parents viciously murdered while he was a baby, left on the doorstep of his aunt and uncle who never wanted him, abused as a child by his uncle, hated by his aunt, tortured by his cousin. Forced to live in a closet, trapped as a creative soul, abandoned to the world.

So... what if everything that happens in all the books are Harry disassociating to an alarming degree - finding a safe place in his head where he has an identity, where he has power, where he is finally seen, where he has control over his life. I posit the following: Harry is still trapped under the stairs, kicked, abused, unseen, forgotten.

What if.

Checking in

2008-02-26T15:56:00.001-05:00

For the first time in quite a long time i have a viseral feeling that i'm going to make it. The world begins to make sense in ways that are surprising and exciting. Which is not to say that there is not work left to be done... but... none the less, the mountain is not insurmountable, the journey is not impossible.

thoughts

2008-02-08T10:50:00.000-05:00

My good friend KR gave me "The Tao of Pooh" by Benjamin Hoff to read - for some reason it had sat on my self for many months until he said that it's a quick read, which prompted me to crack it open. And, really, it's a great book which I highly recommend.

I found the following, which seems particularly apropos to where I am right now...

"In the story of the Ugly Duckling, when did the Ugly Duckling stop feeling Ugly? When he realized he was a Swan. Each of us has something Special, a Swan of some sort, hidden inside somewhere. But until we recognize that it's there, what can we do but splash around, treading water? The Wise are Who They Are. They work with what they've got and do what they can do.

There are things about ourselves that we need to get rid of; there are things we need to change. But at the same time, we do not need to be too desperate, too ruthless, too combative. Along the way to usefulness and happiness, many of those things will change themselves, and the others can be worked on as we go. The first thing we need to do is recognize and trust our own Inner Nature, and not lose sight of it. For within the Ugly Duckling is the Swan, inside the Bouncy Tigger is the Rescuer who knows the Way, and in each of us is something Special, and that we need to keep.

For a long time they looked at the river beneath them, saying nothing, and the river said nothing too, for it felt very quiet and peaceful on the summer afternoon.

"Tigger is all right really," said Piglet lazily.

"Of course he is," said Christopher Robin.

"Everybody is really," said Pooh. "That's what I think," said Pooh. "But I don't suppose I'm right," he said.

"Of course you are," said Christopher Robin."

1/31/2008 Dream

2008-02-01T10:40:00.001-05:00

I'm lying in bed, and i wake up and realize that there is something amiss in the house. i'm not sure what it is, but i think someone has broken in. i get out of bed, go into my office and grab a wooden log that has been carved into a short bat. i also grab a sledge hammer, and the go downstairs. all seems quiet and still, but when i get into the kitchen i see that there is a little light peeking out under the basement door. I open the door and see that the bathroom door at the foot of the stairs is closed, and light is coming out from under that door. i quietly go down the stairs, with the bat in my left hand and the sledge hammer in my right. i put my hand on the door handle, and, gathering my breath, pull the door open.

just on the other side of the door is a large threatening man, standing there without a shirt on. behind him is his son, and looking to my right, down by the furnace, is the man's grandson - a small child who is playing around the push mower. i call out to the child - be careful - the blades are sharp and you'll cut yourself - but he dosen't listen, and falls on the blades, cutting his chest and arms. but i can't worry about him, because now i'm in battle with this intruder. i swing the sledge hammer at him, hitting him in the chest, and then i slam the door closed again and lean against it so he can't get out. somehow i manage to hold the door closed and open the door to the outside. the, stealing my will, i pull the bathroom door open again and try to corral the man and his son out of the basement - out the door i just opened to the outside. I'm eventually able to manuver them out, and i slam the door closed behind them.

looking around i try to figure out how they got in - i see that there is an old wooden porthole/panel that was long ago painted shut, but which they were able to pry open and crawl in through.

i try calling 911 to report the buglery and assult, but am not able to get them on the phone. i go outside and into the street and happen to see a police officer driving by, and am able to flag them down. They agree to take my statement and to do an investigation. the start at the front of the house, at the place where the front yard borders the street - there is a guard shack of some sort there, and the intruders have left their tools there - evidence that they were trying to get into the guard shack first.

poetry is...

2008-02-01T10:27:00.001-05:00

"To me, poetry is somebody standing up, so to speak, and saying, with as little concealment as possible, what it is for him or her to be on earth at this moment."

- Galway Kinnell

Arlington Dancing with the Stars

2008-01-23T22:39:00.001-05:00

This is old news, but finally figured out the direct post options, so here I am! I'm dancing with Ingrid Morroy who is the Arlington Commissioner of Revenue. This is a charity event in a knock off of the real "Dancing with the Stars" show. We're dancing an East Coast Swing - earlier in the evening IH and I danced a Waltz, although I don't have video of that.

The Bowl

2008-01-22T20:26:00.000-05:00

XSFJ

2008-01-22T16:18:00.001-05:00

Sitting outside of group - wish i could write more interesting things. Feeling nervous about going in because i haven't told them about the engagement being off. And i'm realizing that when i think about being present it's usually about where i am with the relationship. And what i really want to know is where i am with myself. Where is my emotion at this moment... I keep hoping that if i do some external activity or trip or thing that i'll be present. That if i keep moving i'll find it... Maybe that's the wrong way to go about it for me.

1/8/08 Dream II

2008-01-19T09:07:00.001-05:00

AL an i are going to go canoeing - she's going to meet me at the launch point, which is an hour drive south down the potomac. I get there first, later in the day on saturday and do the paperwork for the rental. At first the guy rents me a single seater, but i remind him i have someone joining me. It's now two hours before the place closes (7pm) and AL still hasn't shown up yet. I call her, and she says that she's on her way. Even though she dosen't say it, i realize that she rented her own canoe at the put in place up river, an hour drive away, and she's trying to canoe down to meet me. There is no way she will make it in time, and also she's going to end up in the wilderness after dark by herself with no provisions on the river. I try calling her back, but she has either turned her phone off or is out of cell reception. It is clear that she won't be here in time to use our reservation for tonight, so i cancel with the guy to the deak. Even though i just made the rental, the cancelation fee is $119 (out of the $200 original rental). This sucks, but has to be done. I keep calling and caling and finally ge through and ask her what she's doing? She says that she was going to paddle the entire way down, in fact was going to paddle the entire length of the potomac. I tell her that it took me an hour to drive here, so there's no way she's canoeing here by tonight. She didn't realize that.

PART II

Now AL and i are driving somewhere, but she needs to ship some stuff, so we stop at a UPS store and she goes in but i wait in the car. It takes her forever it seems, and traffic is getting worse and worse. Finally i drive off, just to get some movement because i'm tired of sitting and waiting. I drive down the road a bit, and traffic is pretty bad, but i manage to cut across and go into a residential neighborhood. I drive though there and come to a pedestrian bridge that goes back to the downtown place where the UPS store is. I get on a bike and ride back to the store, and call her on my cell on the way. When i arrive she comes out and is clearly distraught. The clerk comes out and explains that while she had said the cost from the store would be $5.50, there is an 80 pound box that she wants to ship, which costs $4.40 per pound, which ment the total cost was very expensive, and AL either didn't have the money for that or didn't want to spend that much. I ask what's in the box - it'ss audition videos and head shots to send to hollywood for her dream of acting. I realize that she can't stop her dream just because of this - i say, what if i pay for the shipping, even though i don't know if i can afford the cost either.

on being present

2008-01-19T03:14:00.000-05:00

i'm sooo not ready for marriage - i have this completely skewed picture of what i expect marriage to be like. somehow my mind is using marriage as a place to just stop working at being present - expecting the marriage relationship to externallly cause being present to happen to me or for me. like after i get maried i can just let go and not have to work at that part. and, believe it or not, being present is _alot_ of work for me. i think i slip away very easily and that it's hard for me and the people around me to tell when i'm mentally and emotionally left the building.

i have this mental image of marriage as a bubble over me - when i slip away, it's like i'm vaporizing into a mist, and the bubble of marriage contains me in one place at least. and i think maybe what i've been looking for is a "perfect enough" marriage that is tight enough that this bubble is small enough that even though i've still atomized, the bubble is holding me tight rnough that it at least appears that i'm still there. that's the image of the marriage taking over being present that i have. and cheryl and i did an exercise where ahe got her face right up infront of my face to simulate being in that tight bubble. i mean, she was inches away. and it was great for maybe 30 seconds - i couldn't help but be present - it was impossible to disconnect. but it was impossible to see anything else either - it was complete tunnel vision. and it felt awful after 30 seconds. just miserable - because i completely lost myself f there was no mental or emotional room to move.

so - this is where my mind is about what marriage is. and i'm sooooo not ready to be married in that place. until i can have a better image of what marriage is - or rather, until i can keep doing the work myself, i'm not ready to be married.

1/18/08 Dream

2008-01-19T02:55:00.001-05:00

At an informal restaurant and there is a woman my age sitting with me. She has tanned skin so her eyes stand out on her face with their brightnress - they're really quite striking and stunning - she's really quite georgous. And i'm talking to her and she says that because her eyesa are so stand out, it makes it even harder to tell people that she has a problem where her contacts pop out all the time because her eyes are a little oblong, which makes it hard for contacts to stay attached. Because people see her eyes as so striking, it's hard to tell them that many times she can't see because the contacts have come out and they're expensive to keep replacing. I'm thinking - well, can't you just tell people that you have this difficulty? And she's saying - for example - they just fell out now.

Winter Color

2008-01-17T11:19:00.000-05:00

Next steps

2008-01-15T09:44:00.000-05:00

Time to check in - IH and I called off the engagement so that we can step back and make sure the roots of the relationship are good and to make another stab at being present and true to ourselves while in an intimate relationship. I also have closure work to finish left over from A & K that I thought was done, but isn't.

1/9/08 Dream

2008-01-10T10:08:00.000-05:00

It's winter and i'm visiting my old boy scout camp, which it at the top of a mountain. there is snow on the ground, and the path up the mountain is pretty rough from the winter. there is a park ranger type person driving up the path in an old WWII jeep, and he's trucking through the ruts and pot holes. i get to the top of the mountain and there is a developed area at the top - there's a gift shop and a trail outfitters (lands end actually) up here, and a very nice view of the lakes off in the distance.

And then I'm watching some sort of commercial for condoms, except that it's pretty explicit in showing how they work. and then there is a follow up commercial showing what happens if you don't use condoms - it's a sped up process showing the woman getting pregnant, then giving birth, and then it's my child i'm watching being born, and then he's a toddler, and i'm giving him some of my water from my water bottle, and then he's a preteen all of a sudden, and i say - hey - when did you get so big? and he just looks at me and says, "i don't know", and then he walks away.

Dark night of the soul

2008-01-09T22:41:00.001-05:00

There is a woman that i love - her name is IH. I love her perhaps more than i have truly loved another woman. I am compatible with her in many ways and on many levels. I love to do things with her, from movies to dancing to running to watching tv to visiting with family to being with animals. We have deep difficult conversations. And i am afraid that i am trapped in the past, unable to move forward because of this link i have to these two past women to whom i had made an unbreakable commitment, and was then left by myself inside of this now empty covenant. How dare they just walk away and leave me to figure it all out?

I feel more viscerally alone tonight than i have ever felt before.

1/8/08 Dream

2008-01-09T07:52:00.000-05:00

I'm in the backyard of a house that i believe is my own. i have the key to the house in my hand - it's an odd looking key, not like a normal key. my sister is with me as is Baxter, and we go for a walk through the neighborhood. I look up the hill and see a new housing development just over the ridge - they're huge houses - bigger than mega mansions. one of them is being maneuvered into place - i guess they're built off site and trucked in. but the person driving this new one into place is not very good at his job, because he keeps lurching forward, with the house all swaying about on the truck.

so my sister and baxter and i wander off down the neighborhood. we walk through all sorts of streets, and eventually make our way up the hill to the new development of houses. i see the one house that was lurching along, still in the middle of the street. most of these houses are unfinished, and the one that has people living in it doesn't really look complete. there are people in there, but they're all hanging out in a room right by the front door - they haven't really gone inside. it's like they're living outside of their house - and i can see that the inside is cavernous. the unfinished houses all have these massive four car garages right in the middle of the house - most of the houses don't have their shell on, so i can see the framing and into the core of the house. and these garages take up so much space, leaving this huge empty cavern inside. i have to really scramble and crawl up an embankment to get up to this place, and am eventually driven off by a construction worker who says that i don't belong here.

my sister and baxter and i keep walking, and eventually come to an upscale hotel - we walk through it, and it's all modern and fashionable and very quiet. we get to the workout room and go inside. there are a few people here working out. my sister finds one of the machines and tries it out, but i see that there are windows here with shades on them, and pull the shades aside to see if i can see where i am. i've let go of baxter and have set my backpack down and unpacked it a bit. i don't really settle down into a workout though. finally the manager returns to the room and says that we can't stay here if we're not guests, and that we have to leave.

because i had started to unpack, i'm awkwardly carrying my stuff now. my sister and baxter and i are trying to find our way back home, but i just can't find our way - i have they key to the house, but i don't know where i live! i'm sure that when i see my house i'll know i'm home, but i don't even really know what it looks like. i have the feeling that i'm one or two streets over from where i want to be, but these neighborhoods are confusing and the streets don't seem to go where i think they should.

i eventually come to a really tight neighborhood and realize that as i walk further into the street, it's turning into a house. and as i wander through i'm finally in someones house. there is an older mother type figure in the house - she's pretty quiet. we get to talking and she says that she used to break dance. i ask her if she still knows how to do this, and she says yes. i'm excited - i say, well, could you teach me? and she says yes. i'm not holding onto baxter at this point, and i'm not sure where my sister has gone. baxter gets into one of the closets and is rooting around and i have to go pull him out. it's time to go but i'm still in the kitchen for a moment, and someone from the woman's family walks through, and i make a comment about her teaching me to break dance, and the woman give me a look like i wasn't supposed to tell anyone else about her past history of dancing, because it's her secret and she hasn't told anyone.

Struggle

2008-01-08T22:20:00.000-05:00

I put enormous weight on wedding vows - when I make a vow, it's forever. I make that vow in front of my family and friends - the elements that make up my core. Being divorced has put me in a place where I'm struggling to reconcile my unbreakable vow with a situation where those vows are impossible to fulfill. How can I walk away from an unbreakable vow and still maintain my integrity?

Warm days / the good, the bad, and the ugly

2008-01-08T10:50:00.001-05:00

Perhaps the way to get started again is to just get started again.

This will be a year of transitions, and I'm afraid I'm not starting it very well.

and now my mind works very hard to shut this conversation down.
all the other things in the world that are much more pressing or interesting push their way forward
isn't there paying work to do?
the floors are clean. can't do that again.
and the laundry's in the wash, so that's done
perhaps i'll look out the window for a while?
maybe my eyes will just glaze over and i'll get stuck

so much has happened, so much is happening - lots good, some bad, some sad.
My grandmother passed away before thanksgiving after struggling for a short time with lung/bone cancer. That's the bad.

oh boy, let's shut down then! that would be fun
don't let the eyes focus!
look - is that dust and hair on the desk? must brush it off then! that's what we'll do!

fuck off brain.

maybe i should put the shower curtain in the wash?

fuck off brain.

the dance studio i worked for fired me for not coming back to teach a 2 hour dance while i was in maine helping to take care of my grandmother. That's the ugly.

pick at my hands, stare out the window

yeah. ok.
i got engaged :) That's the good :)

That's all i can do for now.

Maine sunset

2008-01-02T13:07:00.000-05:00

What I see

2007-10-21T10:32:00.000-04:00

One of the reasons I want to have children is to experience the world for the first time through their eyes. Every experience is new at some point, and there is much to be learned from remembering that.

Yesterday I discovered the corollary. My grandmother is dying - her body is riddled with cancer and she's in pain most of the time now. I'm up in Maine as I write this to be with family as this final chapter in her life is written. My sister was here through yesterday, when she has to return to Washington statet to go back to her internships, completing vet school. And as she stood over grandma's bed, looking down into her eyes, saying goodbye, and as grandma looked back up at her with a smile on her face, I had this image that this may be the last time that either one of them sees eachother again.

I've been searching for the gift that grandma has to offer me in this time. What final life leason can she offer me as she completes her life journey? And I've come to this: just as there is value in experiencing the world in the morning sun for the first time, there is value in see the world in the light of the setting sun, for the last time. In order to learn how to say hello, we must learn how to say goodbye. That is her gift to me.

2007-09-17T16:19:00.001-04:00

I've been struggling with writing a post for several weeks now. I've started and stopped, pondered, and fretted. When I get my head around a topic, or sharing where I am emotionally, I find that I hit a wall and shut down. I'm struggling very hard right now not to shut down.

Right now I am working through topics surrounding death and life transitions. Growing up I had a neighbor, named Marie, who I had viewed as the matriarch of the neighborhood. She had an especially close tie to my family - a family friend for sure. I never really got to know her, despite commands from my mother for my sister and I to take over a plate of Christmas cookies and talk with her every year.

Three weeks ago I learned that she was in a rehab center with terminal, end stage lung cancer. This shook my to my core. Marie does not really have family in the area - she has a cousin, but no immediate family or children. Most of the people from the old neighborhood who really knew her have died or moved on. I had this image in my mind of her dying alone, and could just not bear the thought.

That evening in group I just lost it - the idea of dying alone _terrified_ me beyond description. Much more than I ever realized.

After group I went to visit Marie for real. I sat with her for two hours that night, and the following two nights, just getting to know her and her story. I'm sorry I didn't get to know her earlier in life - she was quite a character. The next week IH and I went out of town on vacation for seven days. Marie passed away the morning that we returned home. She was a strong woman, and will be missed.

While I was in New Hampshire on vacation I learned that my grandmother (on my mother's side) has been diagnosed with lung cancer with mets to her bones - specifically her pelvis, ribs, shoulder, and back of the head. I had a chance to visit briefly with her in the hopital, and hopefully will be able to get back up there in early October - hopefully before she passes. When I think of grandmothers, I mostly think of her, as she was the predominent grandmother figure in my life. While I knew that she was getting older, she seemed to always keep on trucking without any major health issues. Or that was always my perception.

I've never really, as an adult, had the ability to know someone close to me that was dying in the near future. It is an odd thing - death always seemed like a sudden entering into conciousness, not something that was introduced and lives with you until it's time to go. This has certainly been a reflective time.

I have been hoping that by getting all of that out there that I'd remove some of the mental block that is in my head, keeping me from being present. But that is not the case.

There is something still in this struggle to be present that is missing. I haven't really seen my friends for entirely too long. I have lost them, and that makes me more sad than I realize. I have fallen out of communication through this writing, and that makes me more sad than I realize. Somehow I keep forgetting the things that I need to keep me present, to stay emotionally true.

I'm just a guy who is really having a time of it. I'm really no good at remembering the things that are really important, and really good at doing the things that aren't so important.

I'm struggling. And you know what? I keep forgetting that I'm struggling.

So there it is. My post - the core of it. I miss you guys. I'm really sorry that i'm no good at staying in touch. Even when I stay in touch a lot of the time I don't know how to really be there. But you mean the world to me, and I'm really afraid of losing what little connection I'm able to get.

Holding on with both hands

2007-07-12T15:41:00.000-04:00

Had a very productive individual session just now, and found some clarity on the work I have in store for this core that i'm finding again.

Challenge - how to hold on to two places at once... Like being in my anxiety about work and the conference next weekend, but still being present with IH and myself and friends and such. How to keep that connection, instead of just "forgetting" about the anxiety when i'm not at work, or forgetting about myself and others when I am.

Cheryl made a very interesting observation after we were talking about how I lose myself when i'm with others that I have a connection with. Her comment was that it may seem like I don't care about other people, friends, family, and the like, but it's really that I really want a connection with people in my life, and when I get it, I lose myself. And that scares me, and is overwhelming - to lose myself.

The work to be done is so simple - hold on to more than one place at a time within myself. Hold onto myself and others when i'm with friends and family. The work is simple, and requires nothing less than everything to do it.

Old houses, new movement

2007-06-29T13:37:00.001-04:00

I live in an old house - it was born in 1904 in a vastly different time. The things this house must have seen. The things it is seeing now - me finally getting around to renovating the front room. This room began life as a screened porch, and much later in life was closed in to a front room. However, the lady who did the enclosing decided to put up this _nasty_ flower trim all over the room. Just unbelievable. And she didn't quite finish out the room, so gaps and cracks between the windows and walls, around the window frame, etc were never quite finished out. I spent last Sunday ripping down the nasty nasty molding and caulking all the cracks and gaps in the room. And then this past Tuesday I stayed up until midnight priming the entire room for painting. Painting should finish up over the weekend - IH has offered to recover the wicker furniture, at which point i'll have a fantastic new room, simplified and finished.

On a side note, I got LOOK toe clips for my bike on Wednesday, and learned, after much cursing and banging, that bike pedals are screwed in differently, depending on which side of the bike the pedal is on... Makes a big difference to unscrew the pedal in the correct direction instead of tightening it. And then I spent the evening leaning against the wall practicing getting into and out of the pedals. Not quite as easy as it seemed. But everything is adjusted now - I took a test ride yesterday evening... Four things were different which made such a huge difference: 1) the pedals - i'm connected to the bike now - it's like an extension of my body now, which is pretty cool. 2) I got real bike shorts - the spandex w/ padding type. I had mountain bike shorts before - still had the padding and spandex, but had a regular baggy outer on them. The new shorts make a huge difference in comfort and slidding into and out of the seat. 3) I adjusted seat up about an inch - it's finally the correct height. And 4) I got a tire gauge and finally inflated my tires to the correct 100 psi, which is much higher than i'm used to. All together a much more enjoyable biking experience. I'm looking forward to taking a longer ride this SUnday. Details to come.

Rock hopping

2007-06-21T15:34:00.001-04:00

Was in my individual session just now, and the question in response to not knowing how to move was 'how would chris move?' chris in this case is my emotionally self. The answer brought me back to being a child and going down to the creek and playing in the stream. Hopping on rocks in the park by myself - one place where I could really be myself - this gentle, introspective, quiet kid. And it became clear - how chris would move is to rock hop in the stream. So we scattered pillows on the floor and I recreated the experience right there - jumping from rock to rock, feeling the slippery ones, the ones that rock a little, and finding my feet, my whole body working together, seeing with my feet. And the question was asked, how is chris feeling? And the best I could come up with was "good". Which is when I realized that the emotionally present, alive side of myself is this little 8 year old kid. And he doesn't have the language to express himself or to stand up for himself. And the side of me that has been studying for the past two and a half years - that side that has the language, knows how to see, can stand up for himself - he's an adult, but doesn't know how to be present. And I'm stuck in the middle, between this emotionally present child who does not know how to talk, and this emotionally stunted adult who can talk.

And that was when I remember the most important thing about rock hopping, being a kid at the park, playing in the stream. When all else fails, when you don't know what to do - build a dam and sit. Slow the water down and think.

The journey took on a little more clarity today - at least this leg of the journey. Bring the child and the adult together. Become one again.

Wednesday's fresh thoughts

2007-06-20T10:12:00.001-04:00

Hi there. I'm happy to be back in the realm of the connected, the world of the clear, the here and now. I had a really connected group session yesterday, a great evening, and now I wake up to a fresh morning - got a chance to see my neighbor's renovations and ooh and ahh at how great it's looking. Today is a day of connection and presence to contrast to yesterday's day of disconnect.

disconnected

2007-06-19T11:24:00.001-04:00

This morning i find myself feeling disconnected from the people i love. adrift. i find myself checking and re-checking the web, my inbox, other places to try to find connection in this virtual world. this is when i would shut down i think - when i'm looking for connection, and in the past would believe that connection is impossible. i don't believe it's impossible anymore, but it certainly is challenging at times. here i am - adrift and disconnected.

I miss my mom

2007-06-18T17:20:00.001-04:00

I miss my mom. I want to have an emotional connection with her, and don't know how to get there. And I feel like it locks me up when I try to be with her or talk with her. But I want and need that connection something powerful. And it's tearing me up inside.

2007-06-18T14:38:00.001-04:00

A side effect of those who are closest in my life having blogs is that the openness and honesty that comes out, asynchronously from my ability to react, can at times be gut wrenching. It's not for me to fix, sooth, or otherwise play a part in, but knowing that my presence, lack thereof, or some other precipitating factor may be tied in with tough emotion stuff really makes my stomach turn over. I feel scared and sad to read such things - I wish I could make it all better. And at the same time I don't want to make it better, the process being part of the journey. criminy.

5 week plan - through July 22nd conference

2007-06-18T12:38:00.001-04:00

So, my life for the next five weeks ->

Technical

June 18 - 22

Define screens to complete for conference - CHRIS
Finalize application name & reserve domain name - CHRIS, CURT, JIM
Begin import process documentation - CURT, KEN, CHRIS

June 25 - 29

Setup development server - DB & Web. Link <name>.dev.xcalibur.com - CHRIS
Finalize requirements for screens that will be developed for conference - CHRIS, CURT
Finalize import requirements - CURT, KEN, CHRIS
Finalize other "non-essential for July" requirements, including use cases - CHRIS

July 2 - 6

Build out of screens continues - CURT
DB ERD continues - CURT

July 9 - 13

Finalize screen buildout - CURT
Setup staging server - DB & Web. Open port through firewall & link <name>.stag.xcalibur.com <tentative> - CHRIS

July 16 - 20

Choose external hosting company - JIM, CHRIS
Penultimate final DB ERD & Data dictionary - CURT

July 22 - 27

CONFERENCE!

Conference

June 18 - 22

Presentation - define list of APR challenges - CHRIS
Booth - practice setup of booth - CHRIS, JIM
Booth - develop draft design - CHRIS, JIM
Swag - order shirts - JIM
Swag - choose other give aways - CHRIS, JIM, CURT

June 25 - 29

Presentation - draft due - CHRIS
Presentation - reserve 2nd projector - JIM
Booth - begin draft content for booth - CHRIS, JIM
Booth - Draft brochure content - CHRIS, JIM

July 2 - 6

Presentation - begin penultimate final - CHRIS
Booth - continue draft content - CHRIS
Booth - order give aways - CHRIS, JIM

July 9 - 13

Presentation - finalize penultimate final - CHRIS
Booth - finalize content for booth - CHRIS
Booth - receive swag give aways

July 16 - 20

Presentation - Final & practice presentation w/ AED - CHRIS / ALL
Booth - final design printed - JIM, CHRIS

July 22 - 27

CONFERENCE!

This is my dad

2007-06-17T11:21:00.000-04:00

This is my dad. He defines for me what it means to be a man. He has shown me strength, compassion, thoughtfulness, and action. He taught me how to handle moneyj, be independent, and to love the outdoors. Some of my favorite memories are biking with him to Mt. Vernon, or up the C&O Canal.

It wasn't until the past several years as I went through my own trials that the true definition of who he is as a man and mentor truely came out. It has been with much joy and celebration in my heart that I have seen him as an emotional being, with vulnerability and depth.

One day I hope to be a father, a dad, a teacher, a guide of my own. One day i will pass on to a new soul that which I have received. but not yet. For now I grow in his presence, like a sponge expanding at the first contact with water.

Yay for dads! They're the best :)

Happy Father's Day

2007-06-15T14:50:00.000-04:00

Hi dad -

I wish I was there, to spend the day, to wander around town and explore with you. Thank you for being a strong, loving man and for being there for me as I've needed you in times of trouble and heartbreak. Thank you for being you and for everything that I've become because of you - your presence, love, and support mean more to me than I may ever be able to say. thank you.

love -
- chris

Crisp and Juicy

2007-06-14T18:02:00.001-04:00

Perhaps my favorite restaurant / carryout in Arlington is Crisp & Juicy - say the name out loud and tell me your mouth doesn't water just saying it :) it's this little hole in the wall place that has absolutely the most incredible rotisserie chicken... How does one begin to describe such a joyous mouth experience? ZAGAT consistently rates them excellent - 2007 being their latest award. There is always a line, they don't take credit, and you don't care. Empty my pockets, fill my plate - I'm a happy man!

Clarity on sadness

2007-06-14T15:31:00.001-04:00

I have finally found some clarity... All this time - for many many years - I have done a superb job of shutting down my inner core - that part of me that is most alive. This part of me holds my emotion, my presence, my connection to the world and those in it. And it's been shut down, closed out, locked away - never to be seen. In fact, it must not be seen - or that would seem to be the mandate. And this sadness is an acknowledgement of that - a sadness at a loss of myself. This became crystal clear today in my individual session, when I was able to let that core out and to be present with it for the first time in almost a year. The voice of my core no longer questions if or why it will be locked away - it's just profoundly and overwhelmingly sad that it will. And all of a sudden I could see how sad this has been and is making me. Can you think of anything sadder than to not be truly alive, truly present, when your very being yearns to be heard, seen, felt, expressed.

Clarity. I've been reaching, searching for it for a long time. In this moment, this place, right now, I can see clearly. O crap - it's me. I am most sad for that which I hold dearest to my heart, that which goes unexpressed and unseen.

Come find me on jaiku

2007-06-14T10:16:00.001-04:00

Thank you to JP who introduced me to jaiku - you can find me there at http://canyouswim.jaiku.com - it will roll up my blogs (canyouswim and picturechris), my photo gallery, and my twitter account. All in one baby!

***NOTE*** you'll still find me here - at canyouswim. jaiku is just a way to roll up all my feeds into one place - it will still push you back here, or to Life Pixilated, or wherever, to view the actual content of a post :)

Waking up

2007-06-13T16:34:00.001-04:00

It might be the rain, it might be the caffeine, it might be the conversation, but it only took me until 2:30 this afternoon to finally get focus for the day. Perhaps it's the compression of the remainder of the day and the acknowledgement that there are still tasks to do?

Thinking out loud

2007-06-13T11:47:00.000-04:00

Feeling down again. My hope is that by talking about it as I'm there I can begin to break the rust and locks free a bit. I almost scraped biking in today and "worked" from home, but am glad that I didn't, because I think I _really_ wouldn't have been able to drag myself up, mentally, if I had. Fuck. I really hate being in this place.

Wednesday's biking

2007-06-13T11:39:00.001-04:00

Biked in this morning, making it 4 weeks in a row that I've biked in on Wednesday. Stats:

13.3 miles
56.5 minutes
14.1 mph average

Peeing and libraries

2007-06-12T21:47:00.001-04:00

At the recommendation of my mom, who is a nurse and therefore trustworthy on such things, I picked up a urine dip stick kit on the way home to check for glucose and keytones in the urine, which could indicate such things as diabetes. Fortunately the test came back completely negative. I'm going to try cutting out the caffine and aspertane to see what effect those may have on the thirst issue.

I stopped in at my new library to pick up my book (on hold) and was plesantly surprised to see that 'Broken Shore' had also arrived. The library is really quite nice, and I'm sure I'll enjoy coming back often. I'm thinking it will make a nice get away for when I need to get out of the house.

Fluids update

2007-06-12T16:15:00.001-04:00

Ok, up to 96oz fluids so far today. Going to cut out caffine and aspertine for a while to see if that is affecting things this much.

Tracking fluids

2007-06-12T12:43:00.001-04:00

Keeping notes here:

So far today, fluid intake:
- ~ 24oz coffee
- 5 12 oz cups water
pretty much always dry mouth, even immedately after drinking water. Actually makes me kinda sick to my stomach to think about how much fluid that is.

been peeing alot as well (about every 30 minutes), will probably start tracking that output on Thursday (when I'm at home). Kinda gross.

Pushups?

2007-06-12T11:09:00.001-04:00

Ok, things for working out - pushups - interesting variation ideas here, will be trying these out (need to get pushup handles): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NtybAAzJKs&feature=dir

Shirlington Branch Public Library

2007-06-12T10:45:00.001-04:00

I'm really quite excited to learn that my local library has re-opened in a brand new facility - http://www.arlingtonva.us/Departments/Libraries/forums/shirlington/LibrariesForumsShirlingtonShirlingtonInterim.aspx (actually opened a few months ago, so I'm out of date apparently). I'll be heading over this evening to pick up "Nerve Damage" - a psycological thriller :). Focus seems to have returned for a while today, so I'm going to try to latch on to if for as long as possible. For some reason reading about the new library's features really lifted me up - I'm really looking forward to going over there and hanging out for a bit tonight - it looks really cool.

Mind blockage

2007-06-11T15:43:00.001-04:00

I'm hitting a really strong mental block against this project I have at work. Why is that? What am I trying so very hard to avoid? I just need to sit down and map out the next 5 weeks worth of tasks, but you would think this was the hardest thing in the world given how hard i'm struggling against it. I'm afraid that I won't be successful in acomplishing everything that must be done before a July 22nd conference where all of this is being rolled out and presented...

Monday weight

2007-06-11T15:35:00.001-04:00

After an enjoyable weekend with myself and with IH, i'm back to this place of sadness and mental weight, which I can only hope corresponds to the first stages of this true journey, which i've spent the past two years putting a foundation in place for. I'm finding it increadably difficult to both function as an adult in the world and to be working through my head and being present with myself, all at the same time. Arggghhhhhh.

It's a quiet house

2007-06-09T13:12:00.001-04:00

There is something about being with myself at my own pace that is really nice and that I want more of. Sitting in my favorite comfy chair in the livingroom, drinking my coffee, reading the paper, the house quiet around me, my mind quiet inside me. This is one more thing that I need to make sure I don't keep forgetting about.

Checking in

2007-06-06T10:44:00.001-04:00

I've biked in to work for the past three Wednesdays, and it's been terrific. It's a 13.5 mile trip, one way, and takes about an hour on the way in, and about 50 minutes on the way home. It breaks the week up nicely and makes Wednesday morning feel like a weekend morning.

I'm much struggling with this sadness business. I don't have the focus right now to dive into it, but hope to share more later today perhaps.

Orphaned memories

2007-06-04T11:18:00.000-04:00

I'm having a hard time with memories that are of good things and times with A and K, but are tied to bad memories of divorce. I'm having a hard time keeping these good, nice, experiences with a relationship that ultimately caused such pain. Much conflict around this today.

Revisionist thoughts

2007-06-01T10:06:00.001-04:00

“if only I hadn’t been divorced twice, then everything would be easier”. Being in a relationship would feel “cleaner” because I wouldn’t have this past baggage. I wouldn’t have to deal with saying goodbye to _two_ sets of families. I’m still having a _really_ hard time accepting that I’m a twice divorced man. I’m having a really hard time loving this part of myself – integrating it in.

Friday morning trying to let go

2007-06-01T09:19:00.001-04:00

Good morning world.

These waves of sadness are powerful and nearly overwhelming. I'm afraid that if I can let go and drop into whatever this is about, then i'll come undone and won't be able to function. And then i'll lose my job, my friends, my family. And if I don't drop into this sadness, i'll lose myself.

I'm scared.

Taking the process out of the room

2007-05-31T15:36:00.001-04:00

Hello world.

I have a new mission for canyouswim - to bring this process of being present out of the room (therapy work) and into my 'real' world. Perhaps by getting back to journaling I can start to integrate presence back to the day to day.

I have this well established habit of forgetting who I am and my connection to the world - friends, family, work. I have to keep remembering to come back. So, I must get back to writing.

Ok, rambling. Maybe I can set aside an uninterrupted block of 15 minutes each day to check in and be present?

So, today I'm working on consciously saying goodbye to K's family. Maybe one day I'll write a letter or something? For now I'll start here.

Dear J & C, J & L -

I'm so sorry that the marriage did not work out. I've really enjoyed the time we've had together - even our time J & L. Time has a way of smoothing out rough edges, and I can see that all of you had become a surrogate family to me. Your family dynamic was always much more present - for better or worse :) - and I had been finding your family connection to be a healing presence for me.

Please forgive me for my part in how the marriage failed. I hope that my presence in your life was meaningful to you as yours was to me.

So. Goodbye. Farewell. I hope life treats you kindly. I hope that you'll think of me from time to time, as I have you.

Love,

- Chris

I _rule_!

2006-11-26T14:11:00.000-05:00

ok, 1/2 marathon number two is in the history books! Chip time this go around is 2:20 - temps were in the mid 30s and it rained/snowed the whole time :) See the course route here: http://www.seattlemarathon.org/download/06elevmap.jpg. More run related details to come, but just checking in with everyone - I thought about all of the you the entire way - a big virtual thanks to all!

It's just a long run

2006-11-26T10:16:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone - i've been quiet, but in 15 minutes the seattle 1/2 marathon begins, with me in it. it's low 30s and snow flurries - please think warm thoughts! more details later today...

What does it mean to be present...

2006-10-31T15:11:00.000-05:00

eh? what say you? It has come to that time when the hard work must begin if I'm am at all serious about having everything I want out of life. Putting aside the false question of one or the other, when it's really both that I want. So, to have both, the hard work must be accomplished. To be present - can I swim?

It has been quite some time since I've welcomed all of you back into my head and my life. Some things have changed, some have not. My uncle died. That sucks - he was my mother's brother, my Uncle Bruce, the only brother among three sisters. He was married to Anne, a wonderful woman that he met later in life after being what we all thought would be the eternal bachelor. She came into his life with three nearly grown children, but he took them on as his own, and they apparently took him on as their own. Uncle Bruce was my favorite uncle - he taught me much about what it means to be a man, simply be example. He had a strong, gentle presence, projected considered wisdom, and lived with compassion and fairness. He taught me how to drive stick when I had just gotten my learners permit. He took me out on the highway for the first time, much to the consternation of my mother. He always took time when we were together to check in with me about my career - he was a Civil Engineer as well, and I took great pleasure in his attention to my professional well being. My cousins and I would often play him at Monopoly when we were younger. Despite what always appeared to be an insurmountable lead over him, he always found a way to whoop us all in the end, laying waste to board and our Monopoly money finances. He and I would arm wrestle whenever possible, until I turned 16 and finally beat him. He was the one, who, when we were all younger, would allow all of us to crawl up his body and hang off of his arms as he would run around the backyard until we all collapsed in a heap of giggles and smiles. Uncle Bruce loved the outdoors - just last summer he hiked the Grand Canyon rim to rim in one day. He taught us all to ski, taking time with each of the cousins to guide us down the slope, showing us how to snow plow, skiing backwards in front of us as we went down a particularly treacherous slope, making sure we were ok. He was a big man - 6'3" tall and probably 250 pounds, but he had tiny dogs - Min-pins - three of them, and he adored them. He was a man to be admired, to be looked up to, to be patterned after. I did all three, and still do.

Uncle Bruce died October 11th, 2006, out on the golf course, of a pulmonary embolism. As my sister said, "he went out with his boots on". He was 55 years old. I have great joy to have known him, to have been a part of his life. The world is a slightly dimmer place without him. My life is a much brighter place for having had his presence. I'm sorry you didn't know him, because I think you would have liked him. We all need more good people in our lives. And he was a good person.

http://picasaweb.google.com/chrismrea/BruceJohnson

Updates

2006-09-14T21:02:00.000-04:00

Can be found... here -> Life, pixilated

September 11th Pentagon Tribute

2006-09-11T13:06:00.000-04:00

No agenda, just a powerful visual tribute. Spotlights have been setup in the center courtyard of the Pentagon for a night time memorial, running September 10th and 11th from dusk to dawn. I saw this as I was driving back from Union Station in DC. My route took me around three sides of the Pentagon, which gave a full appreciation for the display. Very moving, very powerful.

New pictures from the beach

2006-08-28T15:48:00.000-04:00

at Life, Pixilated

Reticulating Splines

2006-08-14T12:34:00.000-04:00

So apparently this is the slow time for posting over here :) I've been really struggling with what to say and share and all, hitting walls in the process. Part of this, I think, is the whole struggle to stay connected while getting into a new relationship. Part of this is also a mental reconfiguration of how I'm conceptualizing what these online thoughts are to me. The original intent - work through divorce and finding self - has played itself out. What's the new intent? That is the question. Part of this is finding quiet time to myself to process thoughts in the mad chaos of life. So, bear with me as I work through this mental restoration process...

7/8/06 dream

2006-07-09T22:24:00.000-04:00

I'm in the back yard pulling loose rocks out of the ground. But the more rocks I pull out, there more there are down there. As I go on, they turn into larger slates - it's pretty clear that is is a rock pit of some sort. But I keep pulling them out, determined to get them all. Someone points out the little brick looking mound sticking out of the ground a few feet away and says that perhaps this pile of slate I'm pulling out is related to that.

I keep digging/pulling rocks, and eventually uncover steps going down into the ground. and that mound sticking out is the top of a dome below ground, which the stairs lead down to. I push enough of the dirt/sand aside so I can see down into this underground room. It's all black, so I retrieve a flashlight and play the beam around the room. And I see feet off in the room. Like someone is lying on their back with their feet facing me. This is, well, a little unnerving. but I find myself inside the room anyways, although it is fortunately lit up now. And the feet belong to an attractive young woman, who is now standing up. there is another attractive young woman there as well, although she is very quiet and does not say anything. The first woman implies that they are there for me.

I explore around the room, and find several hatches in the walls, which I open and peer inside of. Each hatch opens to a passage way that is just large enough to crawl or squeeze through. the final hatch that I open has a hand drawn map taped to the inside of the door. This map shows the pathway to several different people's houses. The last map in the sequence is to my house, and has "Chris" written above it. I get the impression that these women have been doing this for thousands of years. Each map represents a different period in time, and I'm the most current.

ups and downs

2006-07-09T22:07:00.000-04:00

UP
"it looks like _you_ have a new friend..."

down
It seems contradictory that a house so filled up with memories can echo with such emptiness. My parents finished moving out of their house yesterday. Mom has already driven up to Maine, dad goes tomorrow. While dad will be back off and on through the summer, mom is pretty much gone from the area now. Perhaps this is one of the inevitable steps through adulthood, all part of the "you can't go back" mantra. Except, until now I always could. Perhaps one of the greatest tragedies of coming into being alive so late in life is that over the last year I've finally begun to have a real relationship with my parents. And now I'm afraid that I'm going to lose that. Which I know isn't entirely true. But still.

UP
I _like_ having a new friend.

down
damn it, I'm still losing myself

UP
but hold on, it is possible to have a new friend, and be alive with myself at the same time. In fact, in recognizing that, I'm finally feeling both new friends and life at the same time.

down
oh.

UP
yeah, I thought so. That's pretty cool.

down
I _will not_ lose this part of being alive with myself.

UP
that's not a "down". I claim that as an "UP". The REAL up is recognizing how important that is, and seeing that it is possible to have both at the same time.

down
I'm sad that my parents are moving so far away. I miss them.

UP
I love my parents, and am excited that they're starting a new adventure. And I'm looking forward to visiting them in their new home.

down
I'm sad that my sister lives so far away. I miss her.

UP
I love my sister and am excited for the journey that she's on. I loved running the race with her and am looking forward to seeing her later in the year and maybe running another race.

down
I'm sad that it's taken me two failed marriages and 32 years of life to finally be alive.

UP
I love myself and am excited about the journey I'm on. I'm ecstatic to finally be alive.

down
I've run out of downs

UP
that's just fine by me :)

World Hello

2006-07-06T08:59:00.000-04:00

Fuck. spent this time writing something and then lost it. It rather reinforces the point, however, that I find myself reaching out but not ready to open up. damn it.

The most unflattering picture of all time

2006-06-26T18:17:00.000-04:00

A closeup of me crossing the finish line at the CDA half marathon. At this point my soul has left my body, energy does not exist, the end is near, in oh so many ways. I find it interesting how the entire left side of my face has completely shut down - only my right side is fighting for life, and is losing.

6/25 Dream

2006-06-26T17:55:00.000-04:00

Haven't done a dream in a while, but this one seems interesting, in a moving forward kind of way...

So I'm in my car in a mostly empty parking lot. I'm starting to drive out when a funeral procession pulls into the lot. I pull to the side to allow them to pass, and the procession flows around me on all sides. My visual perspective pans up so I'm looking down on my car and there's just this impossibly long, continuous line of cars and people flowing around me and past me.

Then I'm with my mom, and we're visiting a school of some sort - it's something like an open house. We're being led by a tour guide, and head of into the math/physics/nursing wing. As we shuffle along, I notice that my mom is carrying a heavy purse, and needs to walk with a crutch. There is a railing along one side of the walkway, and she's leaning/holding onto the railing with one hand. I offer to take her bag and crutch so she can walk better by just holding onto the railing. She allows me to take these things, and I notice how heavy her bag is. But she does move more easily without these things...

And now I'm in my parent's house (the one they just sold). It's being renovated, but the house catches fire. My family and I retreat to my parent's bedroom, and eventually make our way to the bathroom/dressing room area (which is an addition at the end of the house). As we're all hunkered down, the house begins to blow up, and progressively collapse, starting at the far end. I'm standing at the edge of the room, watching the house in front of me fall away, and then the end of the house, where we are, collapses and I fall down and down, into a pile of rubble. And I look out through the rubble, and Marie, who is an older woman who lives next door, is standing just outside the rubble, all dressed up in flowing gowns and a hood, almost in an angel sort of way, and says that we can come out now - and we all get up from the rubble, covered in branches and dust and leaves, and climb out of the rubble and walk down the street, away from the house. I remember looking over my (right) shoulder and seeing the house, burned out, the front a mask of bricks, the windows partly covered, and walking with my family out of the neighborhood.

June 21, 1997

2006-06-21T10:47:00.000-04:00

9 years ago today my first wife and I were married. Now, seeing as how this date still sticks in my mind, and recognizing that I'm in a rotten awful down numb mood today, perhaps I haven't fully worked through my feelings from divorce number 1. They've just been masked by marriage/divorce #2. I need to find quiet time/space to process.

Avoidance

2006-06-08T11:34:00.000-04:00

I think I've mentioned that my folks have sold their house and are moving to Portland, Maine.

and now i'm stuck again - i've been quite literally not looking at this whole parents moving away thing. I can't keep straight in my head when they're going up there and when they're coming back, and when my sister is going out there to visit, even though i have their latest itinerary, and have been told at least a dozen times what the schedule is. And just getting this much of an entry in here has taken several days now - starting and stopping. blah. and now i'm stopping again.

Reporting from the field

2006-06-02T14:25:00.000-04:00

& More documentary evidence of said manic-ness. This is on the way back from the turn around point, somewhere in the vicinity of mile 8 I think...

All the details fit to print

2006-05-31T10:09:00.000-04:00

Yay! We all get medals! My sister and I at the finish line - I think the most exciting thing about finishing was the cookies at the end. What a _great_ race! I think, perhaps, that I was a little manic for the first 8 miles or so - my sister will tell you that she thought I was going to hurt myself, what with running circles around her, kicking rocks, elbowing her in the shoulder, and so on. Me, I was just excited to be running with my sister, to be finally doing it! As a refresher, the course map is here: http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=169262. The "hill" at the turn around point was indeed a decent sized hill, and it followed the road, so it was inclined around the curves - made me feel like a mountain goat going up it. What it was not, however, was a problem. The meager training I did had more hills than the final course, which was to my benefit.

Race day was overcast and chilly, with occasional showers. It had been raining for several days beforehand, and the forecast called for rain on race day as well, with temperatures in the mid-40s. We hoped it would hold out until after the race, but that turned out to be wishful thinking. As we crossed the start line and headed out on our collective adventure, the rain began, and didn't really let up until the last two miles of the race. Fortunately, it was mostly the light misting type variety, which, while it still soaks you, does it in the most gentle and loving way possible. The temperature stayed in the high 40s - to my surprise, the combination of light rain and cool temperatures, along with the long sleeve Under Armour shirt that my sister got for me, actually made for a nice run.

The first 11 miles or so went well, and we were maintaining something close to a 10 minute mile. The last 2 miles, however, sucked - not too surprising, as this was consistent with my training runs. The final quarter mile really sucked, as we ran a circle around the finish line - you could mostly see, and definitely hear the finish for what seemed like an eternity. The cool thing about finishing, though, is that you cross over a chip reader just before the finish line, which allows the announcer to shout out your name and where you're from as you cross the finish line. So as I'm coming into home, he calls out "Chris Re-ah" (no one pronounces it right) "from Arlington......" long pause here "Virginia! You came a long way!". Apparently this is not a destination race after all :)

See the final results here: http://results.racecenter.com/2006/cdahm06.htm#orm. Scroll down to #261. My final time - 2 hours, 14 minutes, 4 seconds - a better time than my 12 mile long run the week before.

Final parting thoughts:

My sister kicks ass - she got me to sign up and hounded me through it all. Thanks Mel!
Orange Blast Gu - must be specially formulated to only taste kinda good after running 10 miles. But it works!
Walking back to the car we passed two people going the other way - they called out to us "hey - it's our pacers!" Apparently we were setting the pace for this couple on the last several miles - for some reason that made me happier than even finishing the race.
Hotel hot tubs are your friend
Mel is talking me into the Seattle 1/2 marathon at Thanksgiving...

Crossing the finish line

2006-05-31T10:07:00.000-04:00

And here I am, 2 hours, 14 minutes, 4 seconds later...

Pre-race

2006-05-31T10:06:00.000-04:00

Sister and I, pre-race

12 miles down

2006-05-22T11:25:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had my 12 mile long run (course map here - http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=192948), which was a modified version of the previous week's 10 miler. This time I took a wider loop through Arlington, and continued through Georgetown, down through GW, and back across Memorial Bridge. Total elapsed time was 2 hours 15 minutes, which included a 5 minute potty break. A few additional observations - I finally got an UnderArmour shirt - and it really does make a difference! Although, still had some chaffing. I also really enjoy running this loop - plenty of neighborhoods, city, nature, the works. I feel "ready" for next weekend, which is a pretty cool feeling!

Dopplegangers

2006-05-19T15:05:00.000-04:00

Have you ever Google'd yourself, with disappointing results? Apparently I have a checkered past, with the occational flash of good fortune. I've been indicted for conspiracy as the leader of an ectasy ring, face "numerous charges" for leading police on a three hour motorcycle chase, and narrowly survived a crash where a "friend" drove into a tree while drunk. On the other hand, I also won $100,000 in a lottery, and am a Euorpean guitar legend.

So, what have you been up to lately?

Overheard...

2006-05-18T10:15:00.000-04:00

Every now and again I get really weird hits from people doing searchs that stumble across this site - here's one for "when does the nose stop growing on a adolecent" - SEARCH - WEB SEARCH - Comcast.net. Now, ok, makes perfect sense if you're Geppetto. The best part is that "Can you swim?" is the third most relevent page :)

Gorilla feet!

2006-05-15T11:57:00.000-04:00

Heh - this looks pretty fun, if not a little disturbing... I want a pair! - Vibramfivefingers

10 miles - _done_.

2006-05-15T09:52:00.000-04:00

10 miles, 1 hour 56 minutes. Several things that surprised me during the run...

- Arlington is much smaller than I had even realized. And very diverse - I started running up Columbia Pike, which is in the beginning phases of revitalization/gentrification. Then across and through Walter Reed Drive, which turns into residential neighborhoods. At first they were more run down houses, and then transitioned into houses that have been upgraded/remodeled/expanded. Then hang a right at Clarendon, which is yuppie central - upscale, pricy condos, lots of people out for Mother's Day brunch. Down the hill to Rosslyn, a true city. Across Key Bridge to the edge of Georgetown - 5 miles! Turn around, savour the Rosslyn skyline and Potomac river. Hang a left at the exit off of 66, and head down the hill and pick up the river at Rosevelt Island. Detour over to the island and run 1 mile "off road" around the island, enjoying the nature preserve in the middle of the city. Exit the island, and back to the trail along the river for a mile or two, then back up the hill, past the Pentagon and Arlington Cemetary.

- At mile 7 as I was exiting the island, it occured to me that I can do this! What a cool feeling.

- Salt deposits on the face. Interesting...

- I stepped into the shower afterwards, and OMG! what's that burning on my chest?!?!?! My first run-in with chaffing I suppose :) Which raises a question - I've been running in a cotton t-shirt, which is soaked by mile 3, and is probably not the best material for running - what do you other runners run in? Any suggestions?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JKRUNNING!

2006-05-15T09:29:00.000-04:00

What is it with May? Everyone go over to jkrunning - Just Keep Running, and wish jkrunning a very happy birthday!

10 miles...

2006-05-14T10:01:00.000-04:00

Today's long run, to be embarked upon in the next hour or so... http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=181007. Let's see what kind of impact staying up late all week and not getting any other short run in has on this endeavor.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAMER-GEEK!

2006-05-13T23:35:00.000-04:00

Everyone now go over to gamer-geek and wish him a very happy birthday :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEL!!!

2006-05-11T10:43:00.000-04:00

Everyone should go over to to Adventures in Vet School and wish llamawrangler a very Happy Birthday! (I'm a very bad brother, her birthday was yesterday)

Today

2006-05-07T09:02:00.000-04:00

I just returned from today's "long run", which was 8.1 mile. It took me 1 hour 25 minutes, which is a respectible time for me. This also helped me conquer my fear of not being able to consume enough food in the morning to do a long run, which is reasuring. This week is tech week for a musical I'm working on, which means I go straight from work to the theater until midnight, then back up and do it all over again, so it will be challenging to get any real runs in during the week... next week's 1o mile long run might be interesting.

Coeur d'Alene 1/2 Marathon Details - CORRECTED

2006-05-07T00:07:00.000-04:00

God I love this online pedometer. I've outlined the Coeur d'Alene half marathon course that I'll be running with my sister, Llamawrangler - http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=169262. The turn around point is not exact, so I'm missing about 0.3 miles somewhere in the coure I've outlined.

***note - I've corrected the course map link :)

Tomorrow...

2006-05-06T23:01:00.000-04:00

I submit for your approval, tomorrow's "long run"... It's a re-hash of the 8 miler I did about 3 months ago - it destroyed the arch in my left foot back then - clearly a sign of too much too soon. Hopefully the results will be different this time around. You can see the course here: http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=143565.

Today's run

2006-04-30T17:45:00.000-04:00

Thanks to JKRunning for pointing out this online pedometer. So, today's run didn't quite make it to 6 miles. I underestimated the couse length. In any case, is sucked rocks - my legs were rusty and stiff again. If you're curious though, here's the course I took. And if the elevation chart thing is working, check out the hill around mile two. http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=155291.

Also, a nice 5 mile round trip down to the river and back. Takes you along the edge of Arlington Cemetary and around the side of the Pentagon. I like it because it starts with a nice downhill part in the first mile, and kicks your ass back up the hill for the last mile. http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=155302

Quick updates

2006-04-30T14:10:00.000-04:00

I have been remiss in keeping all of you fine people up to date. So, in the spirit of at least somewhat keeping you in the loop, here it is...

- I have a roommate moving in at the end of the week - May 5th or 6th. He's a 44 year old Navy guy relocating from CA, and needs a place for about 2 months before his family relocates out with him sometime in July. Which is good, since I'm not too sure on this whole roommate thing. 2 months will be a good trial period.

- I start teaching a few dance workshops soon - Cha-Cha May 20th and Waltz June 17th. It's too early to be nervous yet, but that will come.

- Only a few weeks until the 1/2 marathon (Memorial Day weekend) - I'm finally (perhaps) getting my butt in gear - infact when I'm done with this I'm off for a 6 mile "long" run.

- I have mulch! Arlington County delivers a 1/2 dumptruck load on my front doorstep for $15. Can't beat it with a spoon :) Of course, this means I need to start/finish defining garden type areas around the house for where it will all go. Started yesterday with a corner in the back yard that gets no sun, and so does not have grass. It will become a shade garden.

- I finished painting trim downstairs two weeks ago - what a pain. Only have the upstairs to go now.

- I'm jumping back into tech work for a musical (Stop the World, I Want to Get Off) - working on the lighting design with another guy I've worked with in the past. Will be at the Alden Theater in McLean - tech week starts May 8th. The theater has a new lighting board - much more computerized, which should be fun.

- The parents are off to close on their new house in Portland, ME. Their current house goes on the market this week. I have mixed emotions about being the last family member in the area. On one hand I'm looking forward to visiting them in Maine. On the other hand I'm feeling vaguely abandoned, with the "family house" not being in the family anymore.

- YAY SPRING! Having energy again is a wonderful thing.

And now, off to run.

Innocent words

2006-04-21T16:00:00.000-04:00

"...We wondered if you could and would like to come over and be with us all. If Chris and K are not busy they are invited also. Beginning time about 6:30."

Holy fuck that second sentance messed me up. Context... cousins of my parents invited them over for dinner tomorrow, and extended the invite to K and I, not knowing we're divorced. Which my dad explained to them, so now they know. But man - the words themselves just threw me off in a way that I did not expect.

Childhood memories, section B

2006-04-13T09:32:00.000-04:00

3 - I must have been seven or eight... it was summer camp, and we had reached the overnight stay portion. My best friend Kurt was at camp with me, so he can vouch for what happened next. The scene was traditional kick-ball, with a mixture of kids and counselors playing. I was on third base, heading for home. I'm running just as fast as I can, home plate in sight. Except, it's not a plate, per-say. Home base in this game was a telephone pole. Whose bright idea was that? Anyway, I'm running as fast as I can, and the pitcher (one of the counselors...) gets the ball, and throws it at me to tag me out. Except he throws it hard, and it hits me square in the back, just before I get to home. And propells me headlong into the telephone pole.

Kurt will tell you that everyone ran over to see if I was alright, and that one of the counselors picked me up and carried me to the infirmary. All I remember is waking up in my tent some time later. I'm convinced that is why my nose is crooked to this day.

4 - Have you ever challenged mother nature to a race? If you have, it's a game you can't possibly win. Growing up I was practically glued to my bike - I rode everyplace. Down to the park to make dams in the stream (yes, I did grow up to be a civil engineer), out to my friends houses, off to school (middle and high school that is), around the block, wherever. It was my way of having freedom to go wherever, whenever.

One summer afternoon I was returning from an outing down the street when a sudden rain storm came upon me. Now, this was no ordinary rainstorm that was quickly all encompassing. This time there was a clear line where it was raining, and where it was not. Very weird. All I remember is looking behind me as I'm biking... it's sunny where I am, but here is this _wall_ of rain rapidly approaching me. So I take off - the race is on! I'm peddling just as fast as my legs will go, and the rain is right behind me, nipping at my rear wheel. I must have made it a block or two before the rain overtook me and drenched me to the bone. But what exhilaration! To be connected to the world in such a viceral way - boy and machine, against the elements.

Memory 5 to come...

Childhood memories

2006-04-12T16:52:00.000-04:00

I've been tagged by raine of CrazyMokes to post 5 childhood memories. While I've already shared them over poker, I'll post a few here as well for the general fun and amusment of the rest of youses. For some reason they all seem to involve injury... read into that what you will.

1 - Fifth grade... I sprouted early, and for most of my adolecent years was taller than my contemporaries. Which is kinda funny, because now, at 6'2", I'm the shortest person in my immediate group of guy friends (though only by half an inch). But back in elementary school I was the tall, gangly kid. And with white hair and weird movements, I tended to stand out from the others, no pun intended. Of course, standing out, as a child, was not something that I aspired to do.

My favorite activity in PE was dodge ball, but my second favorite was the high jump. Boy did I excel at jumping (more on this later). For those of you who have not had the distinct pleasure, the high jump consists of two vertical poles with pegs marked out every inch and a horizontal pole that spans the distance. Each person in class takes a running leap over the pole - if you make it, you go on to the next round. If you knock the pole down, you get two more chances, and then you're out. Each round the pole is raised by an inch until there is only one person standing. I was _always_ the last person standing. And boy did it make me feel good to be the last person left. This was one time where standing out what what I really wanted to do.

Growing up, my family was never into team sports. We didn't watch them on TV, and we certainly didn't play them. Which isn't to say we didn't get out and do things - we went hiking, canoeing, biking - but never team sports. Somewhere along the line my dad figured out I was good at the high jump. And so one Sunday in early spring, we decided to construct our very own high jump in the back yard. Boy was I excited - not only to have this thing that I was so great at, and so I could play whenever I wanted, but also to show my dad just how good I was at it. I remember that the trees and bushes were just beginning to bloom, and the grass was lush and green. The air was warm and the sun was shining. The perfect afternoon for a father/son activity. We spent what seemed like hours, digging post holes, getting the vertical beams planted, with nails marked off every inch up the pole. After much work, the contraption was complete.

I pause here to go over the mechanics of how the high jump works. One runs at top speed towards the jump, and at the last minute you plant your foot and push off to hurl yourself over the bar. Then you land, preferably on your feet, on the _mat_ on the other side.

So, we return to the backyard, where we rejoin the games, already in progress. I'm running as fast as I can towards the high jump, and plant my foot. But, it's early spring, and the grass is damp. My foot slides out from under me, and I fall back, onto my right arm. Something dosen't feel right. My wrist feels like it's... Broken.

I never did actually complete a jump on our freshly constructed back yard high jump. I never really did well on the high jump after that at school. And I never really got to show off to my dad just how good I was at jumping over high objects.

2 - But that wasn't the first time I had broken a wrist. Flash back a year or two prior, to Columbus Day weekend. We had a swing set in the backyard, situated under a tall tree. I had this game I would play with myself where I would jump _through_ the swing - that's over the seat and between the chains of the swing. I was very good at it too. But I always had this awful vision in my head that I would trip over the swing seat and fall on my face. At least _that_ never happened.

So, it's Columbus Day weekend, and my friend Stephen is over to play. We're in the backyard, running around, being crazy, as kids are known to do. And I decide to do my jump through the swing thing. So I run, and launch myself into the air (jumping seems to be a childhood theme), and I'm sailing through the swing... but this time I put my foot down too early. It lands _on_ the seat of the swing, and I swing waayyyy out, standing on the swing seat, and then flip around and fall backwards to the ground, landing on my back. My left arm is flung to the ground... Remember the tall tree I mentioned earlier? It had a bunch of roots that stuck out above ground, under the swing set. So when my left arm came hurtling back to terra firma, my wrist cracks itself down onto a root. _PAIN_ becomes the word of the day. Stephen, as young males are known to do, is laughing hysterically at me. Until he realizes how much pain I'm in. We run inside, but my parents only had one car back then, and my dad had it for some reason. So my mom, my friend, and myself all pile into my neighbor's car and race over to the hospital.

I pause here to go on a tangent - broken bones seem to be a thing in my family. My mother enjoyed figure skating in her younger years. Around third grade, my mom decides to really get back into figure skating, and it taking lessons, and getting pretty good. So she's preparing for some competition, doing one of those jump and spin type jumps. But the ice is a little soft, and when she comes down, her skate digs in and sticks in the ice. But her body keep spinning. What resulted was a spiral fracture of all the bones in her leg from the ankle up to the hip. She was in a full leg cast for six months and a brace for another six months. The point of all this is that we, as a family, had our own "bone setting" doctor.

So we arrive at the hospital, and since we have our own doctor, the decision is made to have him come in and set my wrist and put the cast on. The problem, however, is that Columbus Day is just before Halloween, and our doctor was out picking pumpkins. This was before cell phones, and he was unreachable. So I had to wait, several hours, in the ER, until he got back and could come in to set my wrist.

The funny part, in retrospect, is that I was _terrified_ of getting a shot. And right at the end of my hospital bed was a post with a whiteboard on the other side of the post. But I didn't know that - all I knew was that every time a nurse or doctor came over to the post at the end of my bed, and I saw them pick up one of those fat white board markers, I thought it was a needle and I was going to get a shot. What a day.

Memories 3 - 5 to come...

Stuck

2006-04-12T11:18:00.000-04:00

that for which I am today. Stuck.

running, part deux

2006-04-07T14:10:00.000-04:00

Ok, so last night's 2 miler was significantly better. Ran outside, with Baxter, down to the Pentagon and back. That's one mile downhill, one mile uphill. Baxter, the trooper that he is, actually heeled the entire way. He wouldn't take water out of my hand though. We'll need to work on that.

But it wasn't the pure hell that Tuesday's run was, so that is good.

pain and rust

2006-04-05T16:01:00.000-04:00

oy yesterday's run _sucked ass_. All sorts of rusty body parts just _not_ wanting to move. in fact, i had to stop running after 1.5 miles (2 miles was the goal) and walk the last half mile. which has not been an issue for years. I'm hanging my hat on allergies this time, because i can't possibly suck that much.

oh, and my throat hurts. *whine*

_MY_ house, my car, my body, me me me

2006-04-03T13:15:00.000-04:00

I started mentally referring to the house this weekend as "my house". Totally unconcious, and it surprised me when I realized that I was doing it. I didn't realize until then that I had not reclaimed the house as "mine".

So, this rain today? You can thank me. I washed my car yesterday. I must say, I have the art of car washing down to an exact science. Total time to wash, dry, detail, vacuum, shine, spit polish the car? 45 minutes. Damn I'm good :)

I also realized that this car is not really made for off roading. Last week there was a spectacular backup on the GW parkway, so (after watching many other cars do this), I decided to cross the grass median and go back the other way so I could actually get to work. Except I decided to do this where there was a drainage ditch going down the middle of the median - I nose planted the front of the car in the hill going up the other side of the ditch. Made a fantastic noise and everything, but I made it across. It was not until last night that I realized I popped all the little plastic rivets out that hold the bumper to the wheel well sheeting, so things are floating a little free right now. Fortunately it's an easy fix - just need to get more pop rivets.

My sister (llamawrangler) has talked me into running a 1/2 marathon with her over Memorial Day weekend, out on the west coast - the "Coeur d'Alene Half Marathon". And so my "training" officially begins today, using the runnersworld.com virtual online trainer. All you runners out there - how much of a fool am I? I'm starting from a place of periodic, light, casual running - 2 - 5 miles, mostly treadmill. I've been fitted for running shoes, with the right arch support. And 13 miles does not, conceptually, scare me.

I think my biggest challenge over the next 2 months will be to gather the mental/physical energy to stick to this training - my weekends continue to be struggles with finding the will to remain vertical. I have all these things I'm excited about doing at home, but when it comes time to actually do them, the momentum seems to be lost. grrrr...

IMDb

2006-03-21T16:04:00.000-05:00

So, out of boredom I've been Googling people I know, and my first wife got a hit on IMDb - if you know her, look her up. Last night she didn't have a picture up, so it was cool in an abstract sort of way, but now she has a head shot up and it's kinda fucking with my head...

Hello world

2006-03-20T12:52:00.000-05:00

I haven't dropped off the face of the earth - just struggling to keep my emotional head above water. Somehow my last two weekends have turned into tuning out sessions - mostly excessive sleeping. My weekdays would probably be the same except I'm required to be places at certain times, which at least gets me out of the house.

I've begun to uncover this buried anger/rage thing - it feels like it's close to the core of this thing, whatever "this thing" is. It actually is starting to feel like, if I can understand what's going on there and work with it, maybe it will begin to unknot a number of other things - like getting lost in (romantic) relationships. But damn is it exhausting work.

Updates to come... II

2006-03-16T13:45:00.000-05:00

Several folks (Raine, llamawrangler specifically) have posted updates to the Challenge. I'll work on getting those linked in shortly...

Challenge status update XII

2006-03-13T00:07:00.000-05:00

Y'all are blowing me away with what you've submitted - this has far and away exceeded my expectations. Well, we've reached the "official" end of the contest, although half of us (myself included) have some catching up to do!

To sum up the latest entries, and there are quite a few...

Anna - "Weakness & Sorrow", "Peace", and "Love"

Caitlin - "Play", "Stillness", "Joy", "Movement", "Strength", and "Work"

jkrunning - Just Keep Running - "Weakness"

Kat - "Hate", "Play", "War", "Joy", "Sorrow", "Movement", "Stillness", "Work", "Peace", "Love", "Weakness"

Krys - "Joy"

Misty - "Movement", "Stillness", "War" and "Weakness"

Nic - "Weakness", "Love", "Work", and "Sorrow"

Porcelaintrees - "Peace", "Joy", "Play", "Stillness", "Weakness", "Sorrow", "Work"

Raine - "Work"

Updates to come...

2006-03-11T18:07:00.000-05:00

Hey all - today's the "last" day of the challenge, although I know I'm not done, and will continue to finish out over the next several days. I'll be getting a final wrap up update in either late tonight or tomorrow morning... Stay tuned...