7/8/06 dream

I'm in the back yard pulling loose rocks out of the ground. But the more rocks I pull out, there more there are down there. As I go on, they turn into larger slates - it's pretty clear that is is a rock pit of some sort. But I keep pulling them out, determined to get them all. Someone points out the little brick looking mound sticking out of the ground a few feet away and says that perhaps this pile of slate I'm pulling out is related to that.

I keep digging/pulling rocks, and eventually uncover steps going down into the ground. and that mound sticking out is the top of a dome below ground, which the stairs lead down to. I push enough of the dirt/sand aside so I can see down into this underground room. It's all black, so I retrieve a flashlight and play the beam around the room. And I see feet off in the room. Like someone is lying on their back with their feet facing me. This is, well, a little unnerving. but I find myself inside the room anyways, although it is fortunately lit up now. And the feet belong to an attractive young woman, who is now standing up. there is another attractive young woman there as well, although she is very quiet and does not say anything. The first woman implies that they are there for me.

I explore around the room, and find several hatches in the walls, which I open and peer inside of. Each hatch opens to a passage way that is just large enough to crawl or squeeze through. the final hatch that I open has a hand drawn map taped to the inside of the door. This map shows the pathway to several different people's houses. The last map in the sequence is to my house, and has "Chris" written above it. I get the impression that these women have been doing this for thousands of years. Each map represents a different period in time, and I'm the most current.

ups and downs

UP
"it looks like _you_ have a new friend..."

down
It seems contradictory that a house so filled up with memories can echo with such emptiness. My parents finished moving out of their house yesterday. Mom has already driven up to Maine, dad goes tomorrow. While dad will be back off and on through the summer, mom is pretty much gone from the area now. Perhaps this is one of the inevitable steps through adulthood, all part of the "you can't go back" mantra. Except, until now I always could. Perhaps one of the greatest tragedies of coming into being alive so late in life is that over the last year I've finally begun to have a real relationship with my parents. And now I'm afraid that I'm going to lose that. Which I know isn't entirely true. But still.

UP
I _like_ having a new friend.

down
damn it, I'm still losing myself

UP
but hold on, it is possible to have a new friend, and be alive with myself at the same time. In fact, in recognizing that, I'm finally feeling both new friends and life at the same time.

down
oh.

UP
yeah, I thought so. That's pretty cool.

down
I _will not_ lose this part of being alive with myself.

UP
that's not a "down". I claim that as an "UP". The REAL up is recognizing how important that is, and seeing that it is possible to have both at the same time.

down
I'm sad that my parents are moving so far away. I miss them.

UP
I love my parents, and am excited that they're starting a new adventure. And I'm looking forward to visiting them in their new home.

down
I'm sad that my sister lives so far away. I miss her.

UP
I love my sister and am excited for the journey that she's on. I loved running the race with her and am looking forward to seeing her later in the year and maybe running another race.

down
I'm sad that it's taken me two failed marriages and 32 years of life to finally be alive.

UP
I love myself and am excited about the journey I'm on. I'm ecstatic to finally be alive.

down
I've run out of downs

UP
that's just fine by me :)

World Hello

Fuck. spent this time writing something and then lost it. It rather reinforces the point, however, that I find myself reaching out but not ready to open up. damn it.