Monday, August 28, 2006
Monday, August 14, 2006
Reticulating Splines
So apparently this is the slow time for posting over here :) I've been really struggling with what to say and share and all, hitting walls in the process. Part of this, I think, is the whole struggle to stay connected while getting into a new relationship. Part of this is also a mental reconfiguration of how I'm conceptualizing what these online thoughts are to me. The original intent - work through divorce and finding self - has played itself out. What's the new intent? That is the question. Part of this is finding quiet time to myself to process thoughts in the mad chaos of life. So, bear with me as I work through this mental restoration process...
Sunday, July 09, 2006
7/8/06 dream
I'm in the back yard pulling loose rocks out of the ground. But the more rocks I pull out, there more there are down there. As I go on, they turn into larger slates - it's pretty clear that is is a rock pit of some sort. But I keep pulling them out, determined to get them all. Someone points out the little brick looking mound sticking out of the ground a few feet away and says that perhaps this pile of slate I'm pulling out is related to that.
I keep digging/pulling rocks, and eventually uncover steps going down into the ground. and that mound sticking out is the top of a dome below ground, which the stairs lead down to. I push enough of the dirt/sand aside so I can see down into this underground room. It's all black, so I retrieve a flashlight and play the beam around the room. And I see feet off in the room. Like someone is lying on their back with their feet facing me. This is, well, a little unnerving. but I find myself inside the room anyways, although it is fortunately lit up now. And the feet belong to an attractive young woman, who is now standing up. there is another attractive young woman there as well, although she is very quiet and does not say anything. The first woman implies that they are there for me.
I explore around the room, and find several hatches in the walls, which I open and peer inside of. Each hatch opens to a passage way that is just large enough to crawl or squeeze through. the final hatch that I open has a hand drawn map taped to the inside of the door. This map shows the pathway to several different people's houses. The last map in the sequence is to my house, and has "Chris" written above it. I get the impression that these women have been doing this for thousands of years. Each map represents a different period in time, and I'm the most current.
I keep digging/pulling rocks, and eventually uncover steps going down into the ground. and that mound sticking out is the top of a dome below ground, which the stairs lead down to. I push enough of the dirt/sand aside so I can see down into this underground room. It's all black, so I retrieve a flashlight and play the beam around the room. And I see feet off in the room. Like someone is lying on their back with their feet facing me. This is, well, a little unnerving. but I find myself inside the room anyways, although it is fortunately lit up now. And the feet belong to an attractive young woman, who is now standing up. there is another attractive young woman there as well, although she is very quiet and does not say anything. The first woman implies that they are there for me.
I explore around the room, and find several hatches in the walls, which I open and peer inside of. Each hatch opens to a passage way that is just large enough to crawl or squeeze through. the final hatch that I open has a hand drawn map taped to the inside of the door. This map shows the pathway to several different people's houses. The last map in the sequence is to my house, and has "Chris" written above it. I get the impression that these women have been doing this for thousands of years. Each map represents a different period in time, and I'm the most current.
ups and downs
UP
"it looks like _you_ have a new friend..."
down
It seems contradictory that a house so filled up with memories can echo with such emptiness. My parents finished moving out of their house yesterday. Mom has already driven up to Maine, dad goes tomorrow. While dad will be back off and on through the summer, mom is pretty much gone from the area now. Perhaps this is one of the inevitable steps through adulthood, all part of the "you can't go back" mantra. Except, until now I always could. Perhaps one of the greatest tragedies of coming into being alive so late in life is that over the last year I've finally begun to have a real relationship with my parents. And now I'm afraid that I'm going to lose that. Which I know isn't entirely true. But still.
UP
I _like_ having a new friend.
down
damn it, I'm still losing myself
UP
but hold on, it is possible to have a new friend, and be alive with myself at the same time. In fact, in recognizing that, I'm finally feeling both new friends and life at the same time.
down
oh.
UP
yeah, I thought so. That's pretty cool.
down
I _will not_ lose this part of being alive with myself.
UP
that's not a "down". I claim that as an "UP". The REAL up is recognizing how important that is, and seeing that it is possible to have both at the same time.
down
I'm sad that my parents are moving so far away. I miss them.
UP
I love my parents, and am excited that they're starting a new adventure. And I'm looking forward to visiting them in their new home.
down
I'm sad that my sister lives so far away. I miss her.
UP
I love my sister and am excited for the journey that she's on. I loved running the race with her and am looking forward to seeing her later in the year and maybe running another race.
down
I'm sad that it's taken me two failed marriages and 32 years of life to finally be alive.
UP
I love myself and am excited about the journey I'm on. I'm ecstatic to finally be alive.
down
I've run out of downs
UP
that's just fine by me :)
"it looks like _you_ have a new friend..."
down
It seems contradictory that a house so filled up with memories can echo with such emptiness. My parents finished moving out of their house yesterday. Mom has already driven up to Maine, dad goes tomorrow. While dad will be back off and on through the summer, mom is pretty much gone from the area now. Perhaps this is one of the inevitable steps through adulthood, all part of the "you can't go back" mantra. Except, until now I always could. Perhaps one of the greatest tragedies of coming into being alive so late in life is that over the last year I've finally begun to have a real relationship with my parents. And now I'm afraid that I'm going to lose that. Which I know isn't entirely true. But still.
UP
I _like_ having a new friend.
down
damn it, I'm still losing myself
UP
but hold on, it is possible to have a new friend, and be alive with myself at the same time. In fact, in recognizing that, I'm finally feeling both new friends and life at the same time.
down
oh.
UP
yeah, I thought so. That's pretty cool.
down
I _will not_ lose this part of being alive with myself.
UP
that's not a "down". I claim that as an "UP". The REAL up is recognizing how important that is, and seeing that it is possible to have both at the same time.
down
I'm sad that my parents are moving so far away. I miss them.
UP
I love my parents, and am excited that they're starting a new adventure. And I'm looking forward to visiting them in their new home.
down
I'm sad that my sister lives so far away. I miss her.
UP
I love my sister and am excited for the journey that she's on. I loved running the race with her and am looking forward to seeing her later in the year and maybe running another race.
down
I'm sad that it's taken me two failed marriages and 32 years of life to finally be alive.
UP
I love myself and am excited about the journey I'm on. I'm ecstatic to finally be alive.
down
I've run out of downs
UP
that's just fine by me :)
Thursday, July 06, 2006
World Hello
Fuck. spent this time writing something and then lost it. It rather reinforces the point, however, that I find myself reaching out but not ready to open up. damn it.
Monday, June 26, 2006
The most unflattering picture of all time
A closeup of me crossing the finish line at the CDA half marathon. At this point my soul has left my body, energy does not exist, the end is near, in oh so many ways. I find it interesting how the entire left side of my face has completely shut down - only my right side is fighting for life, and is losing. 
6/25 Dream
Haven't done a dream in a while, but this one seems interesting, in a moving forward kind of way...
So I'm in my car in a mostly empty parking lot. I'm starting to drive out when a funeral procession pulls into the lot. I pull to the side to allow them to pass, and the procession flows around me on all sides. My visual perspective pans up so I'm looking down on my car and there's just this impossibly long, continuous line of cars and people flowing around me and past me.
Then I'm with my mom, and we're visiting a school of some sort - it's something like an open house. We're being led by a tour guide, and head of into the math/physics/nursing wing. As we shuffle along, I notice that my mom is carrying a heavy purse, and needs to walk with a crutch. There is a railing along one side of the walkway, and she's leaning/holding onto the railing with one hand. I offer to take her bag and crutch so she can walk better by just holding onto the railing. She allows me to take these things, and I notice how heavy her bag is. But she does move more easily without these things...
And now I'm in my parent's house (the one they just sold). It's being renovated, but the house catches fire. My family and I retreat to my parent's bedroom, and eventually make our way to the bathroom/dressing room area (which is an addition at the end of the house). As we're all hunkered down, the house begins to blow up, and progressively collapse, starting at the far end. I'm standing at the edge of the room, watching the house in front of me fall away, and then the end of the house, where we are, collapses and I fall down and down, into a pile of rubble. And I look out through the rubble, and Marie, who is an older woman who lives next door, is standing just outside the rubble, all dressed up in flowing gowns and a hood, almost in an angel sort of way, and says that we can come out now - and we all get up from the rubble, covered in branches and dust and leaves, and climb out of the rubble and walk down the street, away from the house. I remember looking over my (right) shoulder and seeing the house, burned out, the front a mask of bricks, the windows partly covered, and walking with my family out of the neighborhood.
So I'm in my car in a mostly empty parking lot. I'm starting to drive out when a funeral procession pulls into the lot. I pull to the side to allow them to pass, and the procession flows around me on all sides. My visual perspective pans up so I'm looking down on my car and there's just this impossibly long, continuous line of cars and people flowing around me and past me.
Then I'm with my mom, and we're visiting a school of some sort - it's something like an open house. We're being led by a tour guide, and head of into the math/physics/nursing wing. As we shuffle along, I notice that my mom is carrying a heavy purse, and needs to walk with a crutch. There is a railing along one side of the walkway, and she's leaning/holding onto the railing with one hand. I offer to take her bag and crutch so she can walk better by just holding onto the railing. She allows me to take these things, and I notice how heavy her bag is. But she does move more easily without these things...
And now I'm in my parent's house (the one they just sold). It's being renovated, but the house catches fire. My family and I retreat to my parent's bedroom, and eventually make our way to the bathroom/dressing room area (which is an addition at the end of the house). As we're all hunkered down, the house begins to blow up, and progressively collapse, starting at the far end. I'm standing at the edge of the room, watching the house in front of me fall away, and then the end of the house, where we are, collapses and I fall down and down, into a pile of rubble. And I look out through the rubble, and Marie, who is an older woman who lives next door, is standing just outside the rubble, all dressed up in flowing gowns and a hood, almost in an angel sort of way, and says that we can come out now - and we all get up from the rubble, covered in branches and dust and leaves, and climb out of the rubble and walk down the street, away from the house. I remember looking over my (right) shoulder and seeing the house, burned out, the front a mask of bricks, the windows partly covered, and walking with my family out of the neighborhood.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
June 21, 1997
9 years ago today my first wife and I were married. Now, seeing as how this date still sticks in my mind, and recognizing that I'm in a rotten awful down numb mood today, perhaps I haven't fully worked through my feelings from divorce number 1. They've just been masked by marriage/divorce #2. I need to find quiet time/space to process.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Avoidance
I think I've mentioned that my folks have sold their house and are moving to Portland, Maine.
and now i'm stuck again - i've been quite literally not looking at this whole parents moving away thing. I can't keep straight in my head when they're going up there and when they're coming back, and when my sister is going out there to visit, even though i have their latest itinerary, and have been told at least a dozen times what the schedule is. And just getting this much of an entry in here has taken several days now - starting and stopping. blah. and now i'm stopping again.
and now i'm stuck again - i've been quite literally not looking at this whole parents moving away thing. I can't keep straight in my head when they're going up there and when they're coming back, and when my sister is going out there to visit, even though i have their latest itinerary, and have been told at least a dozen times what the schedule is. And just getting this much of an entry in here has taken several days now - starting and stopping. blah. and now i'm stopping again.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Reporting from the field
& More documentary evidence of said manic-ness. This is on the way back from the turn around point, somewhere in the vicinity of mile 8 I think...
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
All the details fit to print
Yay! We all get medals! My sister and I at the finish line - I think the most exciting thing about finishing was the cookies at the end. What a _great_ race! I think, perhaps, that I was a little manic for the first 8 miles or so - my sister will tell you that she thought I was going to hurt myself, what with running circles around her, kicking rocks, elbowing her in the shoulder, and so on. Me, I was just excited to be running with my sister, to be finally doing it! As a refresher, the course map is here: http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=169262. The "hill" at the turn around point was indeed a decent sized hill, and it followed the road, so it was inclined around the curves - made me feel like a mountain goat going up it. What it was not, however, was a problem. The meager training I did had more hills than the final course, which was to my benefit.
Race day was overcast and chilly, with occasional showers. It had been raining for several days beforehand, and the forecast called for rain on race day as well, with temperatures in the mid-40s. We hoped it would hold out until after the race, but that turned out to be wishful thinking. As we crossed the start line and headed out on our collective adventure, the rain began, and didn't really let up until the last two miles of the race. Fortunately, it was mostly the light misting type variety, which, while it still soaks you, does it in the most gentle and loving way possible. The temperature stayed in the high 40s - to my surprise, the combination of light rain and cool temperatures, along with the long sleeve Under Armour shirt that my sister got for me, actually made for a nice run.
The first 11 miles or so went well, and we were maintaining something close to a 10 minute mile. The last 2 miles, however, sucked - not too surprising, as this was consistent with my training runs. The final quarter mile really sucked, as we ran a circle around the finish line - you could mostly see, and definitely hear the finish for what seemed like an eternity. The cool thing about finishing, though, is that you cross over a chip reader just before the finish line, which allows the announcer to shout out your name and where you're from as you cross the finish line. So as I'm coming into home, he calls out "Chris Re-ah" (no one pronounces it right) "from Arlington......" long pause here "Virginia! You came a long way!". Apparently this is not a destination race after all :)
See the final results here: http://results.racecenter.com/2006/cdahm06.htm#orm. Scroll down to #261. My final time - 2 hours, 14 minutes, 4 seconds - a better time than my 12 mile long run the week before.
Final parting thoughts:
- My sister kicks ass - she got me to sign up and hounded me through it all. Thanks Mel!
- Orange Blast Gu - must be specially formulated to only taste kinda good after running 10 miles. But it works!
- Walking back to the car we passed two people going the other way - they called out to us "hey - it's our pacers!" Apparently we were setting the pace for this couple on the last several miles - for some reason that made me happier than even finishing the race.
- Hotel hot tubs are your friend
- Mel is talking me into the Seattle 1/2 marathon at Thanksgiving...
Monday, May 22, 2006
12 miles down
Yesterday I had my 12 mile long run (course map here - http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=192948), which was a modified version of the previous week's 10 miler. This time I took a wider loop through Arlington, and continued through Georgetown, down through GW, and back across Memorial Bridge. Total elapsed time was 2 hours 15 minutes, which included a 5 minute potty break. A few additional observations - I finally got an UnderArmour shirt - and it really does make a difference! Although, still had some chaffing. I also really enjoy running this loop - plenty of neighborhoods, city, nature, the works. I feel "ready" for next weekend, which is a pretty cool feeling!
Friday, May 19, 2006
Dopplegangers
Have you ever Google'd yourself, with disappointing results? Apparently I have a checkered past, with the occational flash of good fortune. I've been indicted for conspiracy as the leader of an ectasy ring, face "numerous charges" for leading police on a three hour motorcycle chase, and narrowly survived a crash where a "friend" drove into a tree while drunk. On the other hand, I also won $100,000 in a lottery, and am a Euorpean guitar legend.
So, what have you been up to lately?
So, what have you been up to lately?
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Overheard...
Every now and again I get really weird hits from people doing searchs that stumble across this site - here's one for "when does the nose stop growing on a adolecent" - SEARCH - WEB SEARCH - Comcast.net. Now, ok, makes perfect sense if you're Geppetto. The best part is that "Can you swim?" is the third most relevent page :)
Monday, May 15, 2006
Gorilla feet!
Heh - this looks pretty fun, if not a little disturbing... I want a pair! - Vibramfivefingers
10 miles - _done_.
10 miles, 1 hour 56 minutes. Several things that surprised me during the run...
- Arlington is much smaller than I had even realized. And very diverse - I started running up Columbia Pike, which is in the beginning phases of revitalization/gentrification. Then across and through Walter Reed Drive, which turns into residential neighborhoods. At first they were more run down houses, and then transitioned into houses that have been upgraded/remodeled/expanded. Then hang a right at Clarendon, which is yuppie central - upscale, pricy condos, lots of people out for Mother's Day brunch. Down the hill to Rosslyn, a true city. Across Key Bridge to the edge of Georgetown - 5 miles! Turn around, savour the Rosslyn skyline and Potomac river. Hang a left at the exit off of 66, and head down the hill and pick up the river at Rosevelt Island. Detour over to the island and run 1 mile "off road" around the island, enjoying the nature preserve in the middle of the city. Exit the island, and back to the trail along the river for a mile or two, then back up the hill, past the Pentagon and Arlington Cemetary.
- At mile 7 as I was exiting the island, it occured to me that I can do this! What a cool feeling.
- Salt deposits on the face. Interesting...
- I stepped into the shower afterwards, and OMG! what's that burning on my chest?!?!?! My first run-in with chaffing I suppose :) Which raises a question - I've been running in a cotton t-shirt, which is soaked by mile 3, and is probably not the best material for running - what do you other runners run in? Any suggestions?
- Arlington is much smaller than I had even realized. And very diverse - I started running up Columbia Pike, which is in the beginning phases of revitalization/gentrification. Then across and through Walter Reed Drive, which turns into residential neighborhoods. At first they were more run down houses, and then transitioned into houses that have been upgraded/remodeled/expanded. Then hang a right at Clarendon, which is yuppie central - upscale, pricy condos, lots of people out for Mother's Day brunch. Down the hill to Rosslyn, a true city. Across Key Bridge to the edge of Georgetown - 5 miles! Turn around, savour the Rosslyn skyline and Potomac river. Hang a left at the exit off of 66, and head down the hill and pick up the river at Rosevelt Island. Detour over to the island and run 1 mile "off road" around the island, enjoying the nature preserve in the middle of the city. Exit the island, and back to the trail along the river for a mile or two, then back up the hill, past the Pentagon and Arlington Cemetary.
- At mile 7 as I was exiting the island, it occured to me that I can do this! What a cool feeling.
- Salt deposits on the face. Interesting...
- I stepped into the shower afterwards, and OMG! what's that burning on my chest?!?!?! My first run-in with chaffing I suppose :) Which raises a question - I've been running in a cotton t-shirt, which is soaked by mile 3, and is probably not the best material for running - what do you other runners run in? Any suggestions?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JKRUNNING!
What is it with May? Everyone go over to jkrunning - Just Keep Running, and wish jkrunning a very happy birthday!
Sunday, May 14, 2006
10 miles...
Today's long run, to be embarked upon in the next hour or so... http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=181007. Let's see what kind of impact staying up late all week and not getting any other short run in has on this endeavor.
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