on being present

i'm sooo not ready for marriage - i have this completely skewed picture of what i expect marriage to be like. somehow my mind is using marriage as a place to just stop working at being present - expecting the marriage relationship to externallly cause being present to happen to me or for me. like after i get maried i can just let go and not have to work at that part. and, believe it or not, being present is _alot_ of work for me. i think i slip away very easily and that it's hard for me and the people around me to tell when i'm mentally and emotionally left the building.

i have this mental image of marriage as a bubble over me - when i slip away, it's like i'm vaporizing into a mist, and the bubble of marriage contains me in one place at least. and i think maybe what i've been looking for is a "perfect enough" marriage that is tight enough that this bubble is small enough that even though i've still atomized, the bubble is holding me tight rnough that it at least appears that i'm still there. that's the image of the marriage taking over being present that i have. and cheryl and i did an exercise where ahe got her face right up infront of my face to simulate being in that tight bubble. i mean, she was inches away. and it was great for maybe 30 seconds - i couldn't help but be present - it was impossible to disconnect. but it was impossible to see anything else either - it was complete tunnel vision. and it felt awful after 30 seconds. just miserable - because i completely lost myself f there was no mental or emotional room to move.

so - this is where my mind is about what marriage is. and i'm sooooo not ready to be married in that place. until i can have a better image of what marriage is - or rather, until i can keep doing the work myself, i'm not ready to be married.