The Hulk

I have met the hulk
exploding with rage
too much time in the cage

clothing in shreads
pulling hair from the head
he rises from bed

kick in the door
pound on the floor
scream out once more

put a stop to the tides
hold back the moon so high
it just can't be done

stop a hurricane from blowing
or the oceans from flowing
it just can't be done

the hulk fades away
I've come to accept the day
When I must stand on my own

fuck.

Cool breezes

I spent a while sitting outside during lunch today - the weather is
perfect, the breeze is blowing, the crickets are chirping. With my
eyes closed, the smell of the cut grass brought back memories of being
out west backpacking through Arizona. Interesting.

blah.

It's been suggested that I go with the flow - feel what there is to feel, etc. Today I feel like like cocooning myself at home, maybe read a book.

8/21 Dream

I'm with A., and we're going to adopt a child. It's quite an ordeal to get to where the kid is, and by the time we get there it's late. Another man has already adopted the kid, and is heading back to his home on a bus. We get on the same bus, and try to figure out a way to convince the kid that he wants to go home with us instead of this other guy, but we can't come up with anything. Then the dream disolves into another chase/be chased sequence where I'm trying to get back to the house before some guy who is trying to catch me.

You can go home.

I moved back into the house on Saturday, spending pretty much the entire day cleaning/arranging/restocking the house. Now my back is just all day uncomfortable. I think I need a deep tissue massage or some such thing. Moving in was a mixture of emotions - sad, especially setting up the office, since that is where K. spent alot of time. But also exciting as I finally have a place to put my roots back down. I had not realized how much of the house had to do with K.- after she moved out it was pretty empty, in more ways than one.

I've been reading over my last several postings, and they're getting me down. I'm finding it depressing and slightly pathetic looking back at what I've written. I've given friends and family a hard time for not wanting to read all of this, but I honestly can't really blame them - I'm not sure I want to read it! Grrrrrrr... However, on that note, last night's dream is next.

Mind the Gap

This is my new favorite movie - although it's a Showtime movie, it really works. It made me cry in sadness, and cry in happyness.

So I move home tomorrow - I feel like this is the Night Before Christmas, and that I should just go to bed so tomorrow will come quicker, but I'm afraid I won't fall asleep. My parents gave me their old silverware and bed linens for when I move back, since K. is taking those items (We've split the "stuff" pretty evenly). I'm still sad deep down about splitting up. I'm sad that this is the last night that K. will ever spend in the house. I'm sad that I never was able to find our connection - I wanted to so badly. I'm sad that we're not going to share new experiences together anymore.

I think perhaps the reality of moving back home will not live up to the fantasy that I've created in my head.

I've shared the existance of this site with a group of my friends, who were generally unenthused by a window into my inner mind. However, now that I've done that, I feel a greater need to share meaningful insight instead of general rambling. On this front, you'll have to be disappointed, as MI (or meaningful insight) only comes on Tuesdays (and sometimes Thursdays). So there :)

The Symphony

It's thoughtful and timid

as if it's not there

This symphony is composed

as if out of air

  

But movement and breath

is more than enough

To create fine music

Just look at this stuff!

Piccallos and trumpets

working in pairs

Violins and cellos

bows made of hair

The breath it is blowing

The bows they are throwing

The music is flowing

Cymbals are crashing!

Timpany bashing!

Tubas all laughing!

The conductor is thrashing!

The audience is dancing,

They're all on their feet!

They cannot sit still in the waves of the beat!

The balcony is shaking!

The seats are all quaking!

The neighbors are waking!

The people are taking

It all the way home

8/17 Dream

The new convention will be to simply give a header line as above for dreams, so they're easier to find - the date will indicate the day of the dream, so 8/17 means last night (today is the 18th). On to the dream -

I'm helping setup a tent, and my task is to assemble several rods that make up two legs and one of the roof pieces of the tent. Because they are no labeled, it's possible to put them together incorrectly, but not really realize it until later. So I've assembled my pieces, and one of the supervisors asks me if I've put it together correctly. I actually don't know if I did or not, but it looks ok, so I say that it is done correctly. So then he goes and is working with my part of
the tent frame when he realizes that it is not assembled correctly. He calls me over and starts yelling at me to fix it. I take the frame apart and am starting to reassemble it. I'm working with my head down, and am embarrased and ashamed about being proven wrong. But as
I work at correcting the frame, this guy keeps on going on and on about what a fuckup this is, and I'm getting more and more worked up - I start shaking, my jaw is trembling, and then I just lose it and break down.

Then there was something about going to a garden, climbing over a iron fence, and looking at a bunch of plants that have been cut down at the ground level. This garden is up at the top of a cliff, overlooking the ocean. I get the feeling that the garden has not been tended to
for quite some time. Then, as I watch, the cut down plants start to sprout flowers - and as I keep watching, they regrow and start blooming. But they don't stand up - because the stalks were cut off at the ground and were angled over, they grow parallel to the ground, straight out.

Ok, so like before, I'll post my thoughts about these in the comments section. I welcome yours as well.

Going away and coming home

Just got back from Dave & Busters where we had a "going away" party for Nic from work, although she's not _really_ going away, she's just "opening up" our San Francisco office (read: she's moving to SF, but not leaving the job). You can read all about that at phasefive.blogspot.com. I'm really going to miss having Nic around the office. First, because she's the no-nonsense one,and every office needs someone like that. Second, she's an outstanding analyst and PM, and I was learning alot from her. And finally, she's one of only two females in our office right now, and that's just too many guys :).

K. finally asked me for some help with the move - just supervising the movers while she has to do something else - not sure what that is, but I've asked, so we'll find out. Three more days and then I'm back home for good. This has been a good week to distract me from this
rapidly approaching end point - I typically break my week down into - full day at work Monday, Tuesday is split in two with my session with CH in the middle of the afternoon, all day Wednesday (although we cut out early today for the Dave & Busters thing), most of a day Thursday at work, but my group stuff in the PM, and then all day Friday. Makes for a nicely varied week.

Ok, not much to report today - very tired now. It seems I have not really shared much in the last few posts, so I'll try for more over the weekend.

Join the Marines - in your dreams!

I told my counselor - we'll call her CH - about this blog, and she
made a comment about "grading" my entries, especially dreams. I
thought that would be funny, but now it's a challenge. I demand a
gold star! On the topic of dreams, however, I think I'll start adding
them to this running stream of consciousness as well.

My dreams, historically, have been vivid, meaningful, and exciting.
The more I pay attention to them, the more I get out of them.
However, the last 2 - 3 weeks have been a dry spell, or just jumbled,
garbled dreams. I suppose this falls in line my general frame of mind
as well - pretty much in a fog. However, the last two nights have
seen a re-emergence of dreamland.

Two nights ago - I find myself wandering around what appears to be a
college campus. I stop at a basketball court to play ball, play a
little tennis, etc. Then I finally make it to class, and walk in
late. As I go to sit down, the professor hands me an envelope with my
attendance records. I have two absences - the first is excused, for
freshman orientation, but the second is unexcused. And now I'm 15
minutes late. The professor had been in the middle of reaming out the
class for not showing up on a regular basis, and now I'm included with
the rest of the group. He says that we just need to show up with no
more than one absence over the semester if we are to have any chance
at passing this AP, Naval Academy course.

Then, last night - I'm in a gymnasium with a bunch of other guys, and
we're all enlisting with the Marines. I'm second in line with my
group, behind one guy who it not entirely going with the flow. I find
myself conforming to the group, standing in line, at attention, etc.,
but all the while I'm thinking, "what am I doing here? I'm not a
Marine", and finding myself conforming externally, but not being
"broken" internally. The guy in front of me is a bit of a clown, but
is also clearly the group leader, as he's at the front of the line,
and is essentially leading us in what we're supposed to be doing.

I'll give my impressions of the meanings of the dreams in the comments
sections. Also, the dream details are not great because I waited too
long to get it all down. More to come.

Long talks and catching up

I just returned from the viewing for Marcia. It turned out to be a nice opportunity to catch up with Steve, Cheryl, Randy, and Doug from my old SEA (Science and Engineering Associates) days, which was my first job as a co-op in college and then for the first year after college. I had a chance to spend quite some time talking with Cheryl, who I have a good relationship with. We talked all about losing relationships and finding ourselves, and what makes for a good marriage and what makes for a good self. I always enjoy our chats, and felt especially "present" during this one, which I take to be a good sign. Now, if I can just take that "in the now" energy and bring it with me to the rest of the world...

My mom asked me for the address to this blog tonight, after reading my sister's blog (see side bar - Adventures in Vet School) - Hi Mom! This should be a little interesting having mom (and possibly dad?) read my blog, as we don't really do the emotion thing in our family. And I'm a little nervous about my mom reading my previous posts, since I talk about being ready to move on, which I am, but I fear that perhaps I was not as "diplomatic" as I could have been. Well, maybe it will prompt additional conversation. Although, honestly, I've done alot of the "deep conversation" bit over the last 9 weeks, and I'm ready for a break.

Tired. Must sleep. More tomorrow. Come back then.

Another Monday in paradise

So I get in this morning, and for the second Monday in a row, something has happened to bring down our ability to do work. At least this morning it is just the phone lines being down - not much I can do there. Last week it was a cluster fuck of power surges, servers going down, and critical servers not coming back up correctly. It took Tom and I 15 hours to get everything back to normal. We spent the entirety of those 15 hours in the server room, with an over ambitious AC unit blowing on us constantly. At 68 degrees. In a polo shirt. Makes for a fridgid existance.

I also found out yesterday that one of the people I worked with at my first job died. She was a tough woman, didn't take shit from anyone. She smoked like a chimney, and was a fan of the sun, so she had the skin of a well worn, lovingly cared for baseball glove. I remember many years ago, when I was working with her. We had gone out to lunch with a bunch of people from work, and ended up at a fantastic Greek restaurant in Old Town Alexandria. Now, if you're familiar with Old Town, you'll know that most of the restaurants, and shops, are in old row houses, with steep, narrow staircases leading up to the second floor. Well, we were eating on the second floor, and on the way down, Marcia slipped on the third or forth step from the bottom. She fell backwards onto her elbows, and slid down to the ground floor. Well, not one to show weakness in any situation, and obviously embarrassed, we kept going. Marcia insisted that she was fine, and she looked ok, so we went back to the office. It was only once we got inside again that we noticed that the sleeve of her jacket at her elbow was soaking. In blood. Turned out that when she landed on her elbow she tore her skin down pretty deep. But she never complained, never said it hurt. What a woman. She was one of a kind, and will be missed.

Group Therapy Session 1.5

aw man. K. just told me that she's leaving her rings for me in my dresser for when I get back. Just brings it all home, yet again. I hate that our relationship has been reduced down to just doing business.

Group Therapy, Session 1

I plan, at times, to treat all of you like one big (or little, for the pair of my readers) group therapy session.

I find myself tiring of interacting with my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love them immensely, but the last few days have seemed like too much. I'm thirty one years old for crying out loud, and living with my parents. I imagine that they must feel the same way. I'm treading on their toes, they're tredding on mine (although I think I'm the bigger imposition). I went to LEGOland with my mom today, and we stopped at the grocery store on the way home. I was pushing the cart, and I had a sudden memory of going grocery shopping with K., and it made me sad to not have that anymore. And then we were in the checkout line, and there was an attractive young woman in line infront of us, and I felt like the big loser, shopping with mom. And then I thought about shopping for myself, and getting back to my familiar food routines, and then I realized that my current food routines are heavily influenced by K., and it made me sad all over again. My counselor is challenging me to be present through this uncomfortable time; to be me and not shut down and tune out. I don't really know who that is, and it's causing anxiety because I'm not feeling like I'm living up to the challenge. Things to talk about this week I suppose.

So I went and rented "XXX - State of the Union", and "The Mind Gap" to keep me occupied. I've been doing alot of krys thinking the last several days, and I need a distraction.

So, if you're up to it, I welcome you to be a member of this big group session. Or don't - I'm just as voyeouristic as the next guy, so I can respect that as well.

LEGOland

So the LEGO exhibit came to town today. I loved to play LEGOs as a kid - it was probably what got me interested in engineering in the first place. But oh my goodness, what a bunch of geeks! And I say that in the best possible way, being a geek myself. So, a quick photo montage...

There were sculptures, this one was this guy's first foray into LEGO sculpting.

Then there's this guy - what's impressive here is that he's created a reflected image in the pool in the front.

For the Maine set

I hesitate to add this because of the implied blind patriotism, but it's still impressive.

and finally, NASCAR comes to LEGOland

Things I'm looking forward to when I move home

My own bed!

Playtime with Baxter the dog
My own food
Space to spread out and work
did I mention my own bed?
Time to be quiet and still and think.
ok, this is a lame list. what else should be on here?

5 things I miss about K.

In no particular order:

1. Spending Sundays going around to open houses. I think everyone in Arlington probably get's the Sun newspaper, which is essentially a glorified real estate listing. K.would pick out a bunch of houses that were in our area and that we might be able to afford (we already own a home). She'd pre-program her GPS with the addresses, and off we'd go.
2. Getting Subway and watching the Daily Show. At the end we were both working late-ist hours, so one or the other would pickup Subway on the way home. 6" veggie on herbs and cheese, lettuce, onion, pickles, olives, sweet peppers (although our favorite Subway stopped stocking them), mayo and dijon mustard - one stripe of each. Oregano as well. Oh, and chocolate chip cookies, but only if they are soft. And always pick up a can of low fat pringles on the way home. Just watching the beginning of the Daily Show gives me a Pavlovian response.
3. Taking road trips. We took a trip to Philly to stay in Center City and tour the QVC studios a few years ago. K. is a big QVC nut, and I'm into seeing all the behind the scenes production stuff. It was really cool, and turned out to be an adventure.
4. K. knitting while we watch a show. The best fun was K. getting all worked up because the beginning of any knitting it really a pain in the ass, or so I gathered from watching her. I never did get the scarf she said she was going to make for me.
5. K. "arguing" with my dad and calling him "kermy". My dad can be a bit of a crumudgeon sometimes, but K. would call him on it, and really could bring out the life in our family. As a side note, my family is pretty WASPy - any show of emotion is a dangerous thing and to be avoided at all costs. K. wouldn't put up with that nonsense. Calling dad "Kermy" turned out to be a term of endearment. I'll miss the dynamic that K. brought to my family.

Self portrait

In search of a topic

So I find myself at a crossroads once again, one relationship in its last dying throes, rekindling lost connections with family and friends, and hoping this is the last time I have to make this particular transition. I've been staying with my parents for the last nine weeks, and have one week to go before I move back into my house. K. and I are working through the delicate details of how to dissasemble a marriage; at times I have a profound sense of deja vu, and at other times it's an entirely new experience.

K. moves out next Saturday, and I move back in. I'll sleep in my own bed for the first time in ten weeks, but I have mixed emotions. I'm at times profoundly sad, energized, depressed, uplifted, and confused. I've spent so much time and energy on myself over the last several months, and I thought I was making progress, but now I find that I've explored only the very tip of the iceberg. I find myself thinking that I should go out and "live", but then find that this inner person is just a toddler, where the entire world can be encompassed in simply tottering along and pulling the flower vase off the table. What seems like huge, significant steps towards independence resolve themselves to be merely the foundation towards basic understanding about what it means to be independent. Independence is not walking on your own two feet and getting into the trashcan, but rather something much more meaningful and profound, and impossible to see when you're only two feet tall.

I find it frustrating to know that I'll only be able to measure the scale of my progress with the benefit of hindsight.

So this is the story of a divorce, the second for me. I'm trying different things this time around, so maybe I'll actually learn something this time. I think myself to be someone who lives in their head, so I welcome insight and thoughts from anyone who tunes in through this journey.

This is who I am

Sitting in the dark

Eating Nerds. Cannibalism?

one must start someplace...

thirty days, have september;
april, june, and november.

all the rest eat peanut butter;
except my grandma,
she rides a bike.

can you swim?