In search of a topic

So I find myself at a crossroads once again, one relationship in its last dying throes, rekindling lost connections with family and friends, and hoping this is the last time I have to make this particular transition. I've been staying with my parents for the last nine weeks, and have one week to go before I move back into my house. K. and I are working through the delicate details of how to dissasemble a marriage; at times I have a profound sense of deja vu, and at other times it's an entirely new experience.

K. moves out next Saturday, and I move back in. I'll sleep in my own bed for the first time in ten weeks, but I have mixed emotions. I'm at times profoundly sad, energized, depressed, uplifted, and confused. I've spent so much time and energy on myself over the last several months, and I thought I was making progress, but now I find that I've explored only the very tip of the iceberg. I find myself thinking that I should go out and "live", but then find that this inner person is just a toddler, where the entire world can be encompassed in simply tottering along and pulling the flower vase off the table. What seems like huge, significant steps towards independence resolve themselves to be merely the foundation towards basic understanding about what it means to be independent. Independence is not walking on your own two feet and getting into the trashcan, but rather something much more meaningful and profound, and impossible to see when you're only two feet tall.

I find it frustrating to know that I'll only be able to measure the scale of my progress with the benefit of hindsight.

So this is the story of a divorce, the second for me. I'm trying different things this time around, so maybe I'll actually learn something this time. I think myself to be someone who lives in their head, so I welcome insight and thoughts from anyone who tunes in through this journey.