What I see

One of the reasons I want to have children is to experience the world for the first time through their eyes. Every experience is new at some point, and there is much to be learned from remembering that.

Yesterday I discovered the corollary. My grandmother is dying - her body is riddled with cancer and she's in pain most of the time now. I'm up in Maine as I write this to be with family as this final chapter in her life is written. My sister was here through yesterday, when she has to return to Washington statet to go back to her internships, completing vet school. And as she stood over grandma's bed, looking down into her eyes, saying goodbye, and as grandma looked back up at her with a smile on her face, I had this image that this may be the last time that either one of them sees eachother again.

I've been searching for the gift that grandma has to offer me in this time. What final life leason can she offer me as she completes her life journey? And I've come to this: just as there is value in experiencing the world in the morning sun for the first time, there is value in see the world in the light of the setting sun, for the last time. In order to learn how to say hello, we must learn how to say goodbye. That is her gift to me.

I've been struggling with writing a post for several weeks now. I've started and stopped, pondered, and fretted. When I get my head around a topic, or sharing where I am emotionally, I find that I hit a wall and shut down. I'm struggling very hard right now not to shut down.

Right now I am working through topics surrounding death and life transitions. Growing up I had a neighbor, named Marie, who I had viewed as the matriarch of the neighborhood. She had an especially close tie to my family - a family friend for sure. I never really got to know her, despite commands from my mother for my sister and I to take over a plate of Christmas cookies and talk with her every year.

Three weeks ago I learned that she was in a rehab center with terminal, end stage lung cancer. This shook my to my core. Marie does not really have family in the area - she has a cousin, but no immediate family or children. Most of the people from the old neighborhood who really knew her have died or moved on. I had this image in my mind of her dying alone, and could just not bear the thought.

That evening in group I just lost it - the idea of dying alone _terrified_ me beyond description. Much more than I ever realized.

After group I went to visit Marie for real. I sat with her for two hours that night, and the following two nights, just getting to know her and her story. I'm sorry I didn't get to know her earlier in life - she was quite a character. The next week IH and I went out of town on vacation for seven days. Marie passed away the morning that we returned home. She was a strong woman, and will be missed.

While I was in New Hampshire on vacation I learned that my grandmother (on my mother's side) has been diagnosed with lung cancer with mets to her bones - specifically her pelvis, ribs, shoulder, and back of the head. I had a chance to visit briefly with her in the hopital, and hopefully will be able to get back up there in early October - hopefully before she passes. When I think of grandmothers, I mostly think of her, as she was the predominent grandmother figure in my life. While I knew that she was getting older, she seemed to always keep on trucking without any major health issues. Or that was always my perception.

I've never really, as an adult, had the ability to know someone close to me that was dying in the near future. It is an odd thing - death always seemed like a sudden entering into conciousness, not something that was introduced and lives with you until it's time to go. This has certainly been a reflective time.

I have been hoping that by getting all of that out there that I'd remove some of the mental block that is in my head, keeping me from being present. But that is not the case.

There is something still in this struggle to be present that is missing. I haven't really seen my friends for entirely too long. I have lost them, and that makes me more sad than I realize. I have fallen out of communication through this writing, and that makes me more sad than I realize. Somehow I keep forgetting the things that I need to keep me present, to stay emotionally true.

I'm just a guy who is really having a time of it. I'm really no good at remembering the things that are really important, and really good at doing the things that aren't so important.

I'm struggling. And you know what? I keep forgetting that I'm struggling.

So there it is. My post - the core of it. I miss you guys. I'm really sorry that i'm no good at staying in touch. Even when I stay in touch a lot of the time I don't know how to really be there. But you mean the world to me, and I'm really afraid of losing what little connection I'm able to get.

Holding on with both hands

Had a very productive individual session just now, and found some clarity on the work I have in store for this core that i'm finding again.

Challenge - how to hold on to two places at once... Like being in my anxiety about work and the conference next weekend, but still being present with IH and myself and friends and such. How to keep that connection, instead of just "forgetting" about the anxiety when i'm not at work, or forgetting about myself and others when I am.

Cheryl made a very interesting observation after we were talking about how I lose myself when i'm with others that I have a connection with. Her comment was that it may seem like I don't care about other people, friends, family, and the like, but it's really that I really want a connection with people in my life, and when I get it, I lose myself. And that scares me, and is overwhelming - to lose myself.

The work to be done is so simple - hold on to more than one place at a time within myself. Hold onto myself and others when i'm with friends and family. The work is simple, and requires nothing less than everything to do it.

Old houses, new movement

I live in an old house - it was born in 1904 in a vastly different time. The things this house must have seen. The things it is seeing now - me finally getting around to renovating the front room. This room began life as a screened porch, and much later in life was closed in to a front room. However, the lady who did the enclosing decided to put up this _nasty_ flower trim all over the room. Just unbelievable. And she didn't quite finish out the room, so gaps and cracks between the windows and walls, around the window frame, etc were never quite finished out. I spent last Sunday ripping down the nasty nasty molding and caulking all the cracks and gaps in the room. And then this past Tuesday I stayed up until midnight priming the entire room for painting. Painting should finish up over the weekend - IH has offered to recover the wicker furniture, at which point i'll have a fantastic new room, simplified and finished.

On a side note, I got LOOK toe clips for my bike on Wednesday, and learned, after much cursing and banging, that bike pedals are screwed in differently, depending on which side of the bike the pedal is on... Makes a big difference to unscrew the pedal in the correct direction instead of tightening it. And then I spent the evening leaning against the wall practicing getting into and out of the pedals. Not quite as easy as it seemed. But everything is adjusted now - I took a test ride yesterday evening... Four things were different which made such a huge difference: 1) the pedals - i'm connected to the bike now - it's like an extension of my body now, which is pretty cool. 2) I got real bike shorts - the spandex w/ padding type. I had mountain bike shorts before - still had the padding and spandex, but had a regular baggy outer on them. The new shorts make a huge difference in comfort and slidding into and out of the seat. 3) I adjusted seat up about an inch - it's finally the correct height. And 4) I got a tire gauge and finally inflated my tires to the correct 100 psi, which is much higher than i'm used to. All together a much more enjoyable biking experience. I'm looking forward to taking a longer ride this SUnday. Details to come.

Rock hopping

Was in my individual session just now, and the question in response to not knowing how to move was 'how would chris move?' chris in this case is my emotionally self. The answer brought me back to being a child and going down to the creek and playing in the stream. Hopping on rocks in the park by myself - one place where I could really be myself - this gentle, introspective, quiet kid. And it became clear - how chris would move is to rock hop in the stream. So we scattered pillows on the floor and I recreated the experience right there - jumping from rock to rock, feeling the slippery ones, the ones that rock a little, and finding my feet, my whole body working together, seeing with my feet. And the question was asked, how is chris feeling? And the best I could come up with was "good". Which is when I realized that the emotionally present, alive side of myself is this little 8 year old kid. And he doesn't have the language to express himself or to stand up for himself. And the side of me that has been studying for the past two and a half years - that side that has the language, knows how to see, can stand up for himself - he's an adult, but doesn't know how to be present. And I'm stuck in the middle, between this emotionally present child who does not know how to talk, and this emotionally stunted adult who can talk.

And that was when I remember the most important thing about rock hopping, being a kid at the park, playing in the stream. When all else fails, when you don't know what to do - build a dam and sit. Slow the water down and think.

The journey took on a little more clarity today - at least this leg of the journey. Bring the child and the adult together. Become one again.

Wednesday's fresh thoughts

Hi there. I'm happy to be back in the realm of the connected, the world of the clear, the here and now. I had a really connected group session yesterday, a great evening, and now I wake up to a fresh morning - got a chance to see my neighbor's renovations and ooh and ahh at how great it's looking. Today is a day of connection and presence to contrast to yesterday's day of disconnect.

disconnected

This morning i find myself feeling disconnected from the people i love.  adrift.  i find myself checking and re-checking the web, my inbox, other places to try to find connection in this virtual world.  this is when i would shut down i think - when i'm looking for connection, and in the past would believe that connection is impossible.  i don't believe it's impossible anymore, but it certainly is challenging at times.  here i am - adrift and disconnected.

I miss my mom

I miss my mom. I want to have an emotional connection with her, and don't know how to get there. And I feel like it locks me up when I try to be with her or talk with her. But I want and need that connection something powerful. And it's tearing me up inside.

A side effect of those who are closest in my life having blogs is that the openness and honesty that comes out, asynchronously from my ability to react, can at times be gut wrenching.  It's not for me to fix, sooth, or otherwise play a part in, but knowing that my presence, lack thereof, or some other precipitating factor may be tied in with tough emotion stuff really makes my stomach turn over.  I feel scared and sad to read such things - I wish I could make it all better.  And at the same time I don't want to make it better, the process being part of the journey.  criminy.

5 week plan - through July 22nd conference

So, my life for the next five weeks ->

 

Technical

June 18 - 22

•  Define screens to complete for conference - CHRIS
•  Finalize application name & reserve domain name - CHRIS, CURT, JIM
•  Begin import process documentation - CURT, KEN, CHRIS

June 25 - 29

• Setup development server - DB & Web.  Link <name>.dev.xcalibur.com - CHRIS
• Finalize requirements for screens that will be developed for conference - CHRIS, CURT
• Finalize import requirements - CURT, KEN, CHRIS
• Finalize other "non-essential for July" requirements, including use cases - CHRIS

July 2 - 6

• Build out of screens continues - CURT
• DB ERD continues - CURT

July 9 - 13

• Finalize screen buildout - CURT
• Setup staging server - DB & Web.  Open port through firewall & link <name>.stag.xcalibur.com <tentative> - CHRIS

July 16 - 20

• Choose external hosting company - JIM, CHRIS
• Penultimate final DB ERD & Data dictionary - CURT

July 22 - 27

• CONFERENCE!

 

Conference

 

June 18 - 22

• Presentation - define list of APR challenges - CHRIS
• Booth - practice setup of booth - CHRIS, JIM
• Booth - develop draft design - CHRIS, JIM
• Swag - order shirts - JIM
• Swag - choose other give aways - CHRIS, JIM, CURT

June 25 - 29

• Presentation - draft due - CHRIS
• Presentation - reserve 2nd projector - JIM
• Booth - begin draft content for booth - CHRIS, JIM
• Booth - Draft brochure content - CHRIS, JIM

July 2 - 6

• Presentation - begin penultimate final - CHRIS
• Booth - continue draft content - CHRIS
• Booth - order give aways - CHRIS, JIM

July 9 - 13

• Presentation - finalize penultimate final - CHRIS
• Booth - finalize content for booth - CHRIS
• Booth - receive swag give aways

July 16 - 20

• Presentation - Final & practice presentation w/ AED - CHRIS / ALL
• Booth - final design printed - JIM, CHRIS

July 22 - 27

• CONFERENCE!

This is my dad

This is my dad. He defines for me what it means to be a man. He has shown me strength, compassion, thoughtfulness, and action. He taught me how to handle moneyj, be independent, and to love the outdoors. Some of my favorite memories are biking with him to Mt. Vernon, or up the C&O Canal.

It wasn't until the past several years as I went through my own trials that the true definition of who he is as a man and mentor truely came out. It has been with much joy and celebration in my heart that I have seen him as an emotional being, with vulnerability and depth.

One day I hope to be a father, a dad, a teacher, a guide of my own. One day i will pass on to a new soul that which I have received. but not yet. For now I grow in his presence, like a sponge expanding at the first contact with water.

Yay for dads! They're the best :)

Happy Father's Day

Hi dad -

I wish I was there, to spend the day, to wander around town and explore with you. Thank you for being a strong, loving man and for being there for me as I've needed you in times of trouble and heartbreak. Thank you for being you and for everything that I've become because of you - your presence, love, and support mean more to me than I may ever be able to say. thank you.

love -
- chris

Crisp and Juicy

Perhaps my favorite restaurant / carryout in Arlington is Crisp & Juicy - say the name out loud and tell me your mouth doesn't water just saying it :) it's this little hole in the wall place that has absolutely the most incredible rotisserie chicken... How does one begin to describe such a joyous mouth experience? ZAGAT consistently rates them excellent - 2007 being their latest award. There is always a line, they don't take credit, and you don't care. Empty my pockets, fill my plate - I'm a happy man!

Clarity on sadness

I have finally found some clarity... All this time - for many many years - I have done a superb job of shutting down my inner core - that part of me that is most alive. This part of me holds my emotion, my presence, my connection to the world and those in it. And it's been shut down, closed out, locked away - never to be seen. In fact, it must not be seen - or that would seem to be the mandate. And this sadness is an acknowledgement of that - a sadness at a loss of myself. This became crystal clear today in my individual session, when I was able to let that core out and to be present with it for the first time in almost a year. The voice of my core no longer questions if or why it will be locked away - it's just profoundly and overwhelmingly sad that it will. And all of a sudden I could see how sad this has been and is making me. Can you think of anything sadder than to not be truly alive, truly present, when your very being yearns to be heard, seen, felt, expressed.

Clarity. I've been reaching, searching for it for a long time. In this moment, this place, right now, I can see clearly. O crap - it's me. I am most sad for that which I hold dearest to my heart, that which goes unexpressed and unseen.

Come find me on jaiku

Thank you to JP who introduced me to jaiku - you can find me there at http://canyouswim.jaiku.com - it will roll up my blogs (canyouswim and picturechris), my photo gallery, and my twitter account. All in one baby!

***NOTE*** you'll still find me here - at canyouswim. jaiku is just a way to roll up all my feeds into one place - it will still push you back here, or to Life Pixilated, or wherever, to view the actual content of a post :)

Waking up

It might be the rain, it might be the caffeine, it might be the conversation, but it only took me until 2:30 this afternoon to finally get focus for the day.  Perhaps it's the compression of the remainder of the day and the acknowledgement that there are still tasks to do?

Thinking out loud

Feeling down again. My hope is that by talking about it as I'm there I can begin to break the rust and locks free a bit. I almost scraped biking in today and "worked" from home, but am glad that I didn't, because I think I _really_ wouldn't have been able to drag myself up, mentally, if I had. Fuck. I really hate being in this place.

Wednesday's biking

Biked in this morning, making it 4 weeks in a row that I've biked in on Wednesday.  Stats:

• 13.3 miles
• 56.5 minutes
• 14.1 mph average

Peeing and libraries

At the recommendation of my mom, who is a nurse and therefore trustworthy on such things, I picked up a urine dip stick kit on the way home to check for glucose and keytones in the urine, which could indicate such things as diabetes. Fortunately the test came back completely negative. I'm going to try cutting out the caffine and aspertane to see what effect those may have on the thirst issue.

I stopped in at my new library to pick up my book (on hold) and was plesantly surprised to see that 'Broken Shore' had also arrived. The library is really quite nice, and I'm sure I'll enjoy coming back often. I'm thinking it will make a nice get away for when I need to get out of the house.

Fluids update

Ok, up to 96oz fluids so far today. Going to cut out caffine and aspertine for a while to see if that is affecting things this much.

Tracking fluids

Keeping notes here:

So far today, fluid intake:
- ~ 24oz coffee
- 5 12 oz cups water
pretty much always dry mouth, even immedately after drinking water. Actually makes me kinda sick to my stomach to think about how much fluid that is.

been peeing alot as well (about every 30 minutes), will probably start tracking that output on Thursday (when I'm at home). Kinda gross.

Pushups?

Ok, things for working out - pushups - interesting variation ideas here, will be trying these out (need to get pushup handles): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NtybAAzJKs&feature=dir

Shirlington Branch Public Library

I'm really quite excited to learn that my local library has re-opened in a brand new facility - http://www.arlingtonva.us/Departments/Libraries/forums/shirlington/LibrariesForumsShirlingtonShirlingtonInterim.aspx (actually opened a few months ago, so I'm out of date apparently).  I'll be heading over this evening to pick up "Nerve Damage" - a psycological thriller :).  Focus seems to have returned for a while today, so I'm going to try to latch on to if for as long as possible.  For some reason reading about the new library's features really lifted me up - I'm really looking forward to going over there and hanging out for a bit tonight - it looks really cool.

Mind blockage

I'm hitting a really strong mental block against this project I have at work. Why is that? What am I trying so very hard to avoid? I just need to sit down and map out the next 5 weeks worth of tasks, but you would think this was the hardest thing in the world given how hard i'm struggling against it. I'm afraid that I won't be successful in acomplishing everything that must be done before a July 22nd conference where all of this is being rolled out and presented...

Monday weight

After an enjoyable weekend with myself and with IH, i'm back to this place of sadness and mental weight, which I can only hope corresponds to the first stages of this true journey, which i've spent the past two years putting a foundation in place for. I'm finding it increadably difficult to both function as an adult in the world and to be working through my head and being present with myself, all at the same time. Arggghhhhhh.

It's a quiet house

There is something about being with myself at my own pace that is really nice and that I want more of. Sitting in my favorite comfy chair in the livingroom, drinking my coffee, reading the paper, the house quiet around me, my mind quiet inside me. This is one more thing that I need to make sure I don't keep forgetting about.

Checking in

I've biked in to work for the past three Wednesdays, and it's been terrific.  It's a 13.5 mile trip, one way, and takes about an hour on the way in, and about 50 minutes on the way home.  It breaks the week up nicely and makes Wednesday morning feel like a weekend morning. 

 

I'm much struggling with this sadness business.  I don't have the focus right now to dive into it, but hope to share more later today perhaps.

Orphaned memories

I'm having a hard time with memories that are of good things and times with A and K, but are tied to bad memories of divorce. I'm having a hard time keeping these good, nice, experiences with a relationship that ultimately caused such pain. Much conflict around this today.

Revisionist thoughts

“if only I hadn’t been divorced twice, then everything would be easier”.  Being in a relationship would feel “cleaner” because I wouldn’t have this past baggage.  I wouldn’t have to deal with saying goodbye to _two_ sets of families.  I’m still having a _really_ hard time accepting that I’m a twice divorced man.  I’m having a really hard time loving this part of myself – integrating it in.

Friday morning trying to let go

Good morning world.

These waves of sadness are powerful and nearly overwhelming. I'm afraid that if I can let go and drop into whatever this is about, then i'll come undone and won't be able to function. And then i'll lose my job, my friends, my family. And if I don't drop into this sadness, i'll lose myself.

I'm scared.

Taking the process out of the room

Hello world.

I have a new mission for canyouswim - to bring this process of being present out of the room (therapy work) and into my 'real' world. Perhaps by getting back to journaling I can start to integrate presence back to the day to day.

I have this well established habit of forgetting who I am and my connection to the world - friends, family, work. I have to keep remembering to come back. So, I must get back to writing.

Ok, rambling. Maybe I can set aside an uninterrupted block of 15 minutes each day to check in and be present?

So, today I'm working on consciously saying goodbye to K's family. Maybe one day I'll write a letter or something? For now I'll start here.

Dear J & C, J & L -

I'm so sorry that the marriage did not work out. I've really enjoyed the time we've had together - even our time J & L. Time has a way of smoothing out rough edges, and I can see that all of you had become a surrogate family to me. Your family dynamic was always much more present - for better or worse :) - and I had been finding your family connection to be a healing presence for me.

Please forgive me for my part in how the marriage failed. I hope that my presence in your life was meaningful to you as yours was to me.

So. Goodbye. Farewell. I hope life treats you kindly. I hope that you'll think of me from time to time, as I have you.

Love,

- Chris