It's a quiet house

There is something about being with myself at my own pace that is really nice and that I want more of. Sitting in my favorite comfy chair in the livingroom, drinking my coffee, reading the paper, the house quiet around me, my mind quiet inside me. This is one more thing that I need to make sure I don't keep forgetting about.

Checking in

I've biked in to work for the past three Wednesdays, and it's been terrific.  It's a 13.5 mile trip, one way, and takes about an hour on the way in, and about 50 minutes on the way home.  It breaks the week up nicely and makes Wednesday morning feel like a weekend morning. 

 

I'm much struggling with this sadness business.  I don't have the focus right now to dive into it, but hope to share more later today perhaps.

Orphaned memories

I'm having a hard time with memories that are of good things and times with A and K, but are tied to bad memories of divorce. I'm having a hard time keeping these good, nice, experiences with a relationship that ultimately caused such pain. Much conflict around this today.

Revisionist thoughts

“if only I hadn’t been divorced twice, then everything would be easier”.  Being in a relationship would feel “cleaner” because I wouldn’t have this past baggage.  I wouldn’t have to deal with saying goodbye to _two_ sets of families.  I’m still having a _really_ hard time accepting that I’m a twice divorced man.  I’m having a really hard time loving this part of myself – integrating it in.

Friday morning trying to let go

Good morning world.

These waves of sadness are powerful and nearly overwhelming. I'm afraid that if I can let go and drop into whatever this is about, then i'll come undone and won't be able to function. And then i'll lose my job, my friends, my family. And if I don't drop into this sadness, i'll lose myself.

I'm scared.

Taking the process out of the room

Hello world.

I have a new mission for canyouswim - to bring this process of being present out of the room (therapy work) and into my 'real' world. Perhaps by getting back to journaling I can start to integrate presence back to the day to day.

I have this well established habit of forgetting who I am and my connection to the world - friends, family, work. I have to keep remembering to come back. So, I must get back to writing.

Ok, rambling. Maybe I can set aside an uninterrupted block of 15 minutes each day to check in and be present?

So, today I'm working on consciously saying goodbye to K's family. Maybe one day I'll write a letter or something? For now I'll start here.

Dear J & C, J & L -

I'm so sorry that the marriage did not work out. I've really enjoyed the time we've had together - even our time J & L. Time has a way of smoothing out rough edges, and I can see that all of you had become a surrogate family to me. Your family dynamic was always much more present - for better or worse :) - and I had been finding your family connection to be a healing presence for me.

Please forgive me for my part in how the marriage failed. I hope that my presence in your life was meaningful to you as yours was to me.

So. Goodbye. Farewell. I hope life treats you kindly. I hope that you'll think of me from time to time, as I have you.

Love,

- Chris

I _rule_!

ok, 1/2 marathon number two is in the history books! Chip time this go around is 2:20 - temps were in the mid 30s and it rained/snowed the whole time :) See the course route here: http://www.seattlemarathon.org/download/06elevmap.jpg. More run related details to come, but just checking in with everyone - I thought about all of the you the entire way - a big virtual thanks to all!

It's just a long run

Hi everyone - i've been quiet, but in 15 minutes the seattle 1/2 marathon begins, with me in it. it's low 30s and snow flurries - please think warm thoughts! more details later today...

What does it mean to be present...

eh? what say you? It has come to that time when the hard work must begin if I'm am at all serious about having everything I want out of life. Putting aside the false question of one or the other, when it's really both that I want. So, to have both, the hard work must be accomplished. To be present - can I swim?

It has been quite some time since I've welcomed all of you back into my head and my life. Some things have changed, some have not. My uncle died. That sucks - he was my mother's brother, my Uncle Bruce, the only brother among three sisters. He was married to Anne, a wonderful woman that he met later in life after being what we all thought would be the eternal bachelor. She came into his life with three nearly grown children, but he took them on as his own, and they apparently took him on as their own. Uncle Bruce was my favorite uncle - he taught me much about what it means to be a man, simply be example. He had a strong, gentle presence, projected considered wisdom, and lived with compassion and fairness. He taught me how to drive stick when I had just gotten my learners permit. He took me out on the highway for the first time, much to the consternation of my mother. He always took time when we were together to check in with me about my career - he was a Civil Engineer as well, and I took great pleasure in his attention to my professional well being. My cousins and I would often play him at Monopoly when we were younger. Despite what always appeared to be an insurmountable lead over him, he always found a way to whoop us all in the end, laying waste to board and our Monopoly money finances. He and I would arm wrestle whenever possible, until I turned 16 and finally beat him. He was the one, who, when we were all younger, would allow all of us to crawl up his body and hang off of his arms as he would run around the backyard until we all collapsed in a heap of giggles and smiles. Uncle Bruce loved the outdoors - just last summer he hiked the Grand Canyon rim to rim in one day. He taught us all to ski, taking time with each of the cousins to guide us down the slope, showing us how to snow plow, skiing backwards in front of us as we went down a particularly treacherous slope, making sure we were ok. He was a big man - 6'3" tall and probably 250 pounds, but he had tiny dogs - Min-pins - three of them, and he adored them. He was a man to be admired, to be looked up to, to be patterned after. I did all three, and still do.

Uncle Bruce died October 11th, 2006, out on the golf course, of a pulmonary embolism. As my sister said, "he went out with his boots on". He was 55 years old. I have great joy to have known him, to have been a part of his life. The world is a slightly dimmer place without him. My life is a much brighter place for having had his presence. I'm sorry you didn't know him, because I think you would have liked him. We all need more good people in our lives. And he was a good person.

http://picasaweb.google.com/chrismrea/BruceJohnson

Updates

Can be found... here -> Life, pixilated

September 11th Pentagon Tribute

No agenda, just a powerful visual tribute. Spotlights have been setup in the center courtyard of the Pentagon for a night time memorial, running September 10th and 11th from dusk to dawn. I saw this as I was driving back from Union Station in DC. My route took me around three sides of the Pentagon, which gave a full appreciation for the display. Very moving, very powerful. 

New pictures from the beach

at Life, Pixilated

Reticulating Splines

So apparently this is the slow time for posting over here :) I've been really struggling with what to say and share and all, hitting walls in the process. Part of this, I think, is the whole struggle to stay connected while getting into a new relationship. Part of this is also a mental reconfiguration of how I'm conceptualizing what these online thoughts are to me. The original intent - work through divorce and finding self - has played itself out. What's the new intent? That is the question. Part of this is finding quiet time to myself to process thoughts in the mad chaos of life. So, bear with me as I work through this mental restoration process...

7/8/06 dream

I'm in the back yard pulling loose rocks out of the ground. But the more rocks I pull out, there more there are down there. As I go on, they turn into larger slates - it's pretty clear that is is a rock pit of some sort. But I keep pulling them out, determined to get them all. Someone points out the little brick looking mound sticking out of the ground a few feet away and says that perhaps this pile of slate I'm pulling out is related to that.

I keep digging/pulling rocks, and eventually uncover steps going down into the ground. and that mound sticking out is the top of a dome below ground, which the stairs lead down to. I push enough of the dirt/sand aside so I can see down into this underground room. It's all black, so I retrieve a flashlight and play the beam around the room. And I see feet off in the room. Like someone is lying on their back with their feet facing me. This is, well, a little unnerving. but I find myself inside the room anyways, although it is fortunately lit up now. And the feet belong to an attractive young woman, who is now standing up. there is another attractive young woman there as well, although she is very quiet and does not say anything. The first woman implies that they are there for me.

I explore around the room, and find several hatches in the walls, which I open and peer inside of. Each hatch opens to a passage way that is just large enough to crawl or squeeze through. the final hatch that I open has a hand drawn map taped to the inside of the door. This map shows the pathway to several different people's houses. The last map in the sequence is to my house, and has "Chris" written above it. I get the impression that these women have been doing this for thousands of years. Each map represents a different period in time, and I'm the most current.

ups and downs

UP
"it looks like _you_ have a new friend..."

down
It seems contradictory that a house so filled up with memories can echo with such emptiness. My parents finished moving out of their house yesterday. Mom has already driven up to Maine, dad goes tomorrow. While dad will be back off and on through the summer, mom is pretty much gone from the area now. Perhaps this is one of the inevitable steps through adulthood, all part of the "you can't go back" mantra. Except, until now I always could. Perhaps one of the greatest tragedies of coming into being alive so late in life is that over the last year I've finally begun to have a real relationship with my parents. And now I'm afraid that I'm going to lose that. Which I know isn't entirely true. But still.

UP
I _like_ having a new friend.

down
damn it, I'm still losing myself

UP
but hold on, it is possible to have a new friend, and be alive with myself at the same time. In fact, in recognizing that, I'm finally feeling both new friends and life at the same time.

down
oh.

UP
yeah, I thought so. That's pretty cool.

down
I _will not_ lose this part of being alive with myself.

UP
that's not a "down". I claim that as an "UP". The REAL up is recognizing how important that is, and seeing that it is possible to have both at the same time.

down
I'm sad that my parents are moving so far away. I miss them.

UP
I love my parents, and am excited that they're starting a new adventure. And I'm looking forward to visiting them in their new home.

down
I'm sad that my sister lives so far away. I miss her.

UP
I love my sister and am excited for the journey that she's on. I loved running the race with her and am looking forward to seeing her later in the year and maybe running another race.

down
I'm sad that it's taken me two failed marriages and 32 years of life to finally be alive.

UP
I love myself and am excited about the journey I'm on. I'm ecstatic to finally be alive.

down
I've run out of downs

UP
that's just fine by me :)

World Hello

Fuck. spent this time writing something and then lost it. It rather reinforces the point, however, that I find myself reaching out but not ready to open up. damn it.

The most unflattering picture of all time

A closeup of me crossing the finish line at the CDA half marathon. At this point my soul has left my body, energy does not exist, the end is near, in oh so many ways. I find it interesting how the entire left side of my face has completely shut down - only my right side is fighting for life, and is losing. 

6/25 Dream

Haven't done a dream in a while, but this one seems interesting, in a moving forward kind of way...

So I'm in my car in a mostly empty parking lot. I'm starting to drive out when a funeral procession pulls into the lot. I pull to the side to allow them to pass, and the procession flows around me on all sides. My visual perspective pans up so I'm looking down on my car and there's just this impossibly long, continuous line of cars and people flowing around me and past me.

Then I'm with my mom, and we're visiting a school of some sort - it's something like an open house. We're being led by a tour guide, and head of into the math/physics/nursing wing. As we shuffle along, I notice that my mom is carrying a heavy purse, and needs to walk with a crutch. There is a railing along one side of the walkway, and she's leaning/holding onto the railing with one hand. I offer to take her bag and crutch so she can walk better by just holding onto the railing. She allows me to take these things, and I notice how heavy her bag is. But she does move more easily without these things...

And now I'm in my parent's house (the one they just sold). It's being renovated, but the house catches fire. My family and I retreat to my parent's bedroom, and eventually make our way to the bathroom/dressing room area (which is an addition at the end of the house). As we're all hunkered down, the house begins to blow up, and progressively collapse, starting at the far end. I'm standing at the edge of the room, watching the house in front of me fall away, and then the end of the house, where we are, collapses and I fall down and down, into a pile of rubble. And I look out through the rubble, and Marie, who is an older woman who lives next door, is standing just outside the rubble, all dressed up in flowing gowns and a hood, almost in an angel sort of way, and says that we can come out now - and we all get up from the rubble, covered in branches and dust and leaves, and climb out of the rubble and walk down the street, away from the house. I remember looking over my (right) shoulder and seeing the house, burned out, the front a mask of bricks, the windows partly covered, and walking with my family out of the neighborhood.

June 21, 1997

9 years ago today my first wife and I were married. Now, seeing as how this date still sticks in my mind, and recognizing that I'm in a rotten awful down numb mood today, perhaps I haven't fully worked through my feelings from divorce number 1. They've just been masked by marriage/divorce #2. I need to find quiet time/space to process.

Avoidance

I think I've mentioned that my folks have sold their house and are moving to Portland, Maine.

and now i'm stuck again - i've been quite literally not looking at this whole parents moving away thing. I can't keep straight in my head when they're going up there and when they're coming back, and when my sister is going out there to visit, even though i have their latest itinerary, and have been told at least a dozen times what the schedule is. And just getting this much of an entry in here has taken several days now - starting and stopping. blah. and now i'm stopping again.

Reporting from the field

& More documentary evidence of said manic-ness. This is on the way back from the turn around point, somewhere in the vicinity of mile 8 I think...

All the details fit to print

Yay! We all get medals! My sister and I at the finish line - I think the most exciting thing about finishing was the cookies at the end. What a _great_ race! I think, perhaps, that I was a little manic for the first 8 miles or so - my sister will tell you that she thought I was going to hurt myself, what with running circles around her, kicking rocks, elbowing her in the shoulder, and so on. Me, I was just excited to be running with my sister, to be finally doing it! As a refresher, the course map is here: http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=169262. The "hill" at the turn around point was indeed a decent sized hill, and it followed the road, so it was inclined around the curves - made me feel like a mountain goat going up it. What it was not, however, was a problem. The meager training I did had more hills than the final course, which was to my benefit.

Race day was overcast and chilly, with occasional showers. It had been raining for several days beforehand, and the forecast called for rain on race day as well, with temperatures in the mid-40s. We hoped it would hold out until after the race, but that turned out to be wishful thinking. As we crossed the start line and headed out on our collective adventure, the rain began, and didn't really let up until the last two miles of the race. Fortunately, it was mostly the light misting type variety, which, while it still soaks you, does it in the most gentle and loving way possible. The temperature stayed in the high 40s - to my surprise, the combination of light rain and cool temperatures, along with the long sleeve Under Armour shirt that my sister got for me, actually made for a nice run.

The first 11 miles or so went well, and we were maintaining something close to a 10 minute mile. The last 2 miles, however, sucked - not too surprising, as this was consistent with my training runs. The final quarter mile really sucked, as we ran a circle around the finish line - you could mostly see, and definitely hear the finish for what seemed like an eternity. The cool thing about finishing, though, is that you cross over a chip reader just before the finish line, which allows the announcer to shout out your name and where you're from as you cross the finish line. So as I'm coming into home, he calls out "Chris Re-ah" (no one pronounces it right) "from Arlington......" long pause here "Virginia! You came a long way!". Apparently this is not a destination race after all :)

See the final results here: http://results.racecenter.com/2006/cdahm06.htm#orm. Scroll down to #261. My final time - 2 hours, 14 minutes, 4 seconds - a better time than my 12 mile long run the week before.

Final parting thoughts:

• My sister kicks ass - she got me to sign up and hounded me through it all. Thanks Mel!
• Orange Blast Gu - must be specially formulated to only taste kinda good after running 10 miles. But it works!
• Walking back to the car we passed two people going the other way - they called out to us "hey - it's our pacers!" Apparently we were setting the pace for this couple on the last several miles - for some reason that made me happier than even finishing the race.
• Hotel hot tubs are your friend
• Mel is talking me into the Seattle 1/2 marathon at Thanksgiving...

Crossing the finish line

And here I am, 2 hours, 14 minutes, 4 seconds later...

Pre-race

Sister and I, pre-race 

12 miles down

Yesterday I had my 12 mile long run (course map here - http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=192948), which was a modified version of the previous week's 10 miler. This time I took a wider loop through Arlington, and continued through Georgetown, down through GW, and back across Memorial Bridge. Total elapsed time was 2 hours 15 minutes, which included a 5 minute potty break. A few additional observations - I finally got an UnderArmour shirt - and it really does make a difference! Although, still had some chaffing. I also really enjoy running this loop - plenty of neighborhoods, city, nature, the works. I feel "ready" for next weekend, which is a pretty cool feeling!

Dopplegangers

Have you ever Google'd yourself, with disappointing results? Apparently I have a checkered past, with the occational flash of good fortune. I've been indicted for conspiracy as the leader of an ectasy ring, face "numerous charges" for leading police on a three hour motorcycle chase, and narrowly survived a crash where a "friend" drove into a tree while drunk. On the other hand, I also won $100,000 in a lottery, and am a Euorpean guitar legend.

So, what have you been up to lately?

Overheard...

Every now and again I get really weird hits from people doing searchs that stumble across this site - here's one for "when does the nose stop growing on a adolecent" - SEARCH - WEB SEARCH - Comcast.net. Now, ok, makes perfect sense if you're Geppetto. The best part is that "Can you swim?" is the third most relevent page :)

Gorilla feet!

Heh - this looks pretty fun, if not a little disturbing... I want a pair! - Vibramfivefingers

10 miles - _done_.

10 miles, 1 hour 56 minutes. Several things that surprised me during the run...

- Arlington is much smaller than I had even realized. And very diverse - I started running up Columbia Pike, which is in the beginning phases of revitalization/gentrification. Then across and through Walter Reed Drive, which turns into residential neighborhoods. At first they were more run down houses, and then transitioned into houses that have been upgraded/remodeled/expanded. Then hang a right at Clarendon, which is yuppie central - upscale, pricy condos, lots of people out for Mother's Day brunch. Down the hill to Rosslyn, a true city. Across Key Bridge to the edge of Georgetown - 5 miles! Turn around, savour the Rosslyn skyline and Potomac river. Hang a left at the exit off of 66, and head down the hill and pick up the river at Rosevelt Island. Detour over to the island and run 1 mile "off road" around the island, enjoying the nature preserve in the middle of the city. Exit the island, and back to the trail along the river for a mile or two, then back up the hill, past the Pentagon and Arlington Cemetary.

- At mile 7 as I was exiting the island, it occured to me that I can do this! What a cool feeling.

- Salt deposits on the face. Interesting...

- I stepped into the shower afterwards, and OMG! what's that burning on my chest?!?!?! My first run-in with chaffing I suppose :) Which raises a question - I've been running in a cotton t-shirt, which is soaked by mile 3, and is probably not the best material for running - what do you other runners run in? Any suggestions?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JKRUNNING!

What is it with May? Everyone go over to jkrunning - Just Keep Running, and wish jkrunning a very happy birthday!

10 miles...

Today's long run, to be embarked upon in the next hour or so... http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=181007. Let's see what kind of impact staying up late all week and not getting any other short run in has on this endeavor.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAMER-GEEK!

Everyone now go over to gamer-geek and wish him a very happy birthday :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEL!!!

Everyone should go over to to Adventures in Vet School and wish llamawrangler a very Happy Birthday! (I'm a very bad brother, her birthday was yesterday)

Today

I just returned from today's "long run", which was 8.1 mile. It took me 1 hour 25 minutes, which is a respectible time for me. This also helped me conquer my fear of not being able to consume enough food in the morning to do a long run, which is reasuring. This week is tech week for a musical I'm working on, which means I go straight from work to the theater until midnight, then back up and do it all over again, so it will be challenging to get any real runs in during the week... next week's 1o mile long run might be interesting.

Coeur d'Alene 1/2 Marathon Details - CORRECTED

God I love this online pedometer. I've outlined the Coeur d'Alene half marathon course that I'll be running with my sister, Llamawrangler - http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=169262. The turn around point is not exact, so I'm missing about 0.3 miles somewhere in the coure I've outlined.

***note - I've corrected the course map link :)

Tomorrow...

I submit for your approval, tomorrow's "long run"... It's a re-hash of the 8 miler I did about 3 months ago - it destroyed the arch in my left foot back then - clearly a sign of too much too soon. Hopefully the results will be different this time around. You can see the course here: http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=143565.

Today's run

Thanks to JKRunning for pointing out this online pedometer. So, today's run didn't quite make it to 6 miles. I underestimated the couse length. In any case, is sucked rocks - my legs were rusty and stiff again. If you're curious though, here's the course I took. And if the elevation chart thing is working, check out the hill around mile two. http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=155291.

Also, a nice 5 mile round trip down to the river and back. Takes you along the edge of Arlington Cemetary and around the side of the Pentagon. I like it because it starts with a nice downhill part in the first mile, and kicks your ass back up the hill for the last mile. http://www.gmap-pedometer.com/?r=155302

Quick updates

I have been remiss in keeping all of you fine people up to date. So, in the spirit of at least somewhat keeping you in the loop, here it is...

- I have a roommate moving in at the end of the week - May 5th or 6th. He's a 44 year old Navy guy relocating from CA, and needs a place for about 2 months before his family relocates out with him sometime in July. Which is good, since I'm not too sure on this whole roommate thing. 2 months will be a good trial period.

- I start teaching a few dance workshops soon - Cha-Cha May 20th and Waltz June 17th. It's too early to be nervous yet, but that will come.

- Only a few weeks until the 1/2 marathon (Memorial Day weekend) - I'm finally (perhaps) getting my butt in gear - infact when I'm done with this I'm off for a 6 mile "long" run.

- I have mulch! Arlington County delivers a 1/2 dumptruck load on my front doorstep for $15. Can't beat it with a spoon :) Of course, this means I need to start/finish defining garden type areas around the house for where it will all go. Started yesterday with a corner in the back yard that gets no sun, and so does not have grass. It will become a shade garden.

- I finished painting trim downstairs two weeks ago - what a pain. Only have the upstairs to go now.

- I'm jumping back into tech work for a musical (Stop the World, I Want to Get Off) - working on the lighting design with another guy I've worked with in the past. Will be at the Alden Theater in McLean - tech week starts May 8th. The theater has a new lighting board - much more computerized, which should be fun.

- The parents are off to close on their new house in Portland, ME. Their current house goes on the market this week. I have mixed emotions about being the last family member in the area. On one hand I'm looking forward to visiting them in Maine. On the other hand I'm feeling vaguely abandoned, with the "family house" not being in the family anymore.

- YAY SPRING! Having energy again is a wonderful thing.

And now, off to run.

Innocent words

"...We wondered if you could and would like to come over and be with us all. If Chris and K are not busy they are invited also. Beginning time about 6:30."

Holy fuck that second sentance messed me up. Context... cousins of my parents invited them over for dinner tomorrow, and extended the invite to K and I, not knowing we're divorced. Which my dad explained to them, so now they know. But man - the words themselves just threw me off in a way that I did not expect.

Childhood memories, section B

3 - I must have been seven or eight... it was summer camp, and we had reached the overnight stay portion. My best friend Kurt was at camp with me, so he can vouch for what happened next. The scene was traditional kick-ball, with a mixture of kids and counselors playing. I was on third base, heading for home. I'm running just as fast as I can, home plate in sight. Except, it's not a plate, per-say. Home base in this game was a telephone pole. Whose bright idea was that? Anyway, I'm running as fast as I can, and the pitcher (one of the counselors...) gets the ball, and throws it at me to tag me out. Except he throws it hard, and it hits me square in the back, just before I get to home. And propells me headlong into the telephone pole.

Kurt will tell you that everyone ran over to see if I was alright, and that one of the counselors picked me up and carried me to the infirmary. All I remember is waking up in my tent some time later. I'm convinced that is why my nose is crooked to this day.

4 - Have you ever challenged mother nature to a race? If you have, it's a game you can't possibly win. Growing up I was practically glued to my bike - I rode everyplace. Down to the park to make dams in the stream (yes, I did grow up to be a civil engineer), out to my friends houses, off to school (middle and high school that is), around the block, wherever. It was my way of having freedom to go wherever, whenever.

One summer afternoon I was returning from an outing down the street when a sudden rain storm came upon me. Now, this was no ordinary rainstorm that was quickly all encompassing. This time there was a clear line where it was raining, and where it was not. Very weird. All I remember is looking behind me as I'm biking... it's sunny where I am, but here is this _wall_ of rain rapidly approaching me. So I take off - the race is on! I'm peddling just as fast as my legs will go, and the rain is right behind me, nipping at my rear wheel. I must have made it a block or two before the rain overtook me and drenched me to the bone. But what exhilaration! To be connected to the world in such a viceral way - boy and machine, against the elements.

Memory 5 to come...

Childhood memories

I've been tagged by raine of CrazyMokes to post 5 childhood memories. While I've already shared them over poker, I'll post a few here as well for the general fun and amusment of the rest of youses. For some reason they all seem to involve injury... read into that what you will.

1 - Fifth grade... I sprouted early, and for most of my adolecent years was taller than my contemporaries. Which is kinda funny, because now, at 6'2", I'm the shortest person in my immediate group of guy friends (though only by half an inch). But back in elementary school I was the tall, gangly kid. And with white hair and weird movements, I tended to stand out from the others, no pun intended. Of course, standing out, as a child, was not something that I aspired to do.

My favorite activity in PE was dodge ball, but my second favorite was the high jump. Boy did I excel at jumping (more on this later). For those of you who have not had the distinct pleasure, the high jump consists of two vertical poles with pegs marked out every inch and a horizontal pole that spans the distance. Each person in class takes a running leap over the pole - if you make it, you go on to the next round. If you knock the pole down, you get two more chances, and then you're out. Each round the pole is raised by an inch until there is only one person standing. I was _always_ the last person standing. And boy did it make me feel good to be the last person left. This was one time where standing out what what I really wanted to do.

Growing up, my family was never into team sports. We didn't watch them on TV, and we certainly didn't play them. Which isn't to say we didn't get out and do things - we went hiking, canoeing, biking - but never team sports. Somewhere along the line my dad figured out I was good at the high jump. And so one Sunday in early spring, we decided to construct our very own high jump in the back yard. Boy was I excited - not only to have this thing that I was so great at, and so I could play whenever I wanted, but also to show my dad just how good I was at it. I remember that the trees and bushes were just beginning to bloom, and the grass was lush and green. The air was warm and the sun was shining. The perfect afternoon for a father/son activity. We spent what seemed like hours, digging post holes, getting the vertical beams planted, with nails marked off every inch up the pole. After much work, the contraption was complete.

I pause here to go over the mechanics of how the high jump works. One runs at top speed towards the jump, and at the last minute you plant your foot and push off to hurl yourself over the bar. Then you land, preferably on your feet, on the _mat_ on the other side.

So, we return to the backyard, where we rejoin the games, already in progress. I'm running as fast as I can towards the high jump, and plant my foot. But, it's early spring, and the grass is damp. My foot slides out from under me, and I fall back, onto my right arm. Something dosen't feel right. My wrist feels like it's... Broken.

I never did actually complete a jump on our freshly constructed back yard high jump. I never really did well on the high jump after that at school. And I never really got to show off to my dad just how good I was at jumping over high objects.

2 - But that wasn't the first time I had broken a wrist. Flash back a year or two prior, to Columbus Day weekend. We had a swing set in the backyard, situated under a tall tree. I had this game I would play with myself where I would jump _through_ the swing - that's over the seat and between the chains of the swing. I was very good at it too. But I always had this awful vision in my head that I would trip over the swing seat and fall on my face. At least _that_ never happened.

So, it's Columbus Day weekend, and my friend Stephen is over to play. We're in the backyard, running around, being crazy, as kids are known to do. And I decide to do my jump through the swing thing. So I run, and launch myself into the air (jumping seems to be a childhood theme), and I'm sailing through the swing... but this time I put my foot down too early. It lands _on_ the seat of the swing, and I swing waayyyy out, standing on the swing seat, and then flip around and fall backwards to the ground, landing on my back. My left arm is flung to the ground... Remember the tall tree I mentioned earlier? It had a bunch of roots that stuck out above ground, under the swing set. So when my left arm came hurtling back to terra firma, my wrist cracks itself down onto a root. _PAIN_ becomes the word of the day. Stephen, as young males are known to do, is laughing hysterically at me. Until he realizes how much pain I'm in. We run inside, but my parents only had one car back then, and my dad had it for some reason. So my mom, my friend, and myself all pile into my neighbor's car and race over to the hospital.

I pause here to go on a tangent - broken bones seem to be a thing in my family. My mother enjoyed figure skating in her younger years. Around third grade, my mom decides to really get back into figure skating, and it taking lessons, and getting pretty good. So she's preparing for some competition, doing one of those jump and spin type jumps. But the ice is a little soft, and when she comes down, her skate digs in and sticks in the ice. But her body keep spinning. What resulted was a spiral fracture of all the bones in her leg from the ankle up to the hip. She was in a full leg cast for six months and a brace for another six months. The point of all this is that we, as a family, had our own "bone setting" doctor.

So we arrive at the hospital, and since we have our own doctor, the decision is made to have him come in and set my wrist and put the cast on. The problem, however, is that Columbus Day is just before Halloween, and our doctor was out picking pumpkins. This was before cell phones, and he was unreachable. So I had to wait, several hours, in the ER, until he got back and could come in to set my wrist.

The funny part, in retrospect, is that I was _terrified_ of getting a shot. And right at the end of my hospital bed was a post with a whiteboard on the other side of the post. But I didn't know that - all I knew was that every time a nurse or doctor came over to the post at the end of my bed, and I saw them pick up one of those fat white board markers, I thought it was a needle and I was going to get a shot. What a day.

Memories 3 - 5 to come...

Stuck

that for which I am today. Stuck.

running, part deux

Ok, so last night's 2 miler was significantly better. Ran outside, with Baxter, down to the Pentagon and back. That's one mile downhill, one mile uphill. Baxter, the trooper that he is, actually heeled the entire way. He wouldn't take water out of my hand though. We'll need to work on that.

But it wasn't the pure hell that Tuesday's run was, so that is good.

pain and rust

oy yesterday's run _sucked ass_. All sorts of rusty body parts just _not_ wanting to move. in fact, i had to stop running after 1.5 miles (2 miles was the goal) and walk the last half mile. which has not been an issue for years. I'm hanging my hat on allergies this time, because i can't possibly suck that much.

oh, and my throat hurts. *whine*

_MY_ house, my car, my body, me me me

I started mentally referring to the house this weekend as "my house". Totally unconcious, and it surprised me when I realized that I was doing it. I didn't realize until then that I had not reclaimed the house as "mine".

So, this rain today? You can thank me. I washed my car yesterday. I must say, I have the art of car washing down to an exact science. Total time to wash, dry, detail, vacuum, shine, spit polish the car? 45 minutes. Damn I'm good :)

I also realized that this car is not really made for off roading. Last week there was a spectacular backup on the GW parkway, so (after watching many other cars do this), I decided to cross the grass median and go back the other way so I could actually get to work. Except I decided to do this where there was a drainage ditch going down the middle of the median - I nose planted the front of the car in the hill going up the other side of the ditch. Made a fantastic noise and everything, but I made it across. It was not until last night that I realized I popped all the little plastic rivets out that hold the bumper to the wheel well sheeting, so things are floating a little free right now. Fortunately it's an easy fix - just need to get more pop rivets.

My sister (llamawrangler) has talked me into running a 1/2 marathon with her over Memorial Day weekend, out on the west coast - the "Coeur d'Alene Half Marathon". And so my "training" officially begins today, using the runnersworld.com virtual online trainer. All you runners out there - how much of a fool am I? I'm starting from a place of periodic, light, casual running - 2 - 5 miles, mostly treadmill. I've been fitted for running shoes, with the right arch support. And 13 miles does not, conceptually, scare me.

I think my biggest challenge over the next 2 months will be to gather the mental/physical energy to stick to this training - my weekends continue to be struggles with finding the will to remain vertical. I have all these things I'm excited about doing at home, but when it comes time to actually do them, the momentum seems to be lost. grrrr...

IMDb

So, out of boredom I've been Googling people I know, and my first wife got a hit on IMDb - if you know her, look her up. Last night she didn't have a picture up, so it was cool in an abstract sort of way, but now she has a head shot up and it's kinda fucking with my head...

Hello world

I haven't dropped off the face of the earth - just struggling to keep my emotional head above water. Somehow my last two weekends have turned into tuning out sessions - mostly excessive sleeping. My weekdays would probably be the same except I'm required to be places at certain times, which at least gets me out of the house.

I've begun to uncover this buried anger/rage thing - it feels like it's close to the core of this thing, whatever "this thing" is. It actually is starting to feel like, if I can understand what's going on there and work with it, maybe it will begin to unknot a number of other things - like getting lost in (romantic) relationships. But damn is it exhausting work.

Updates to come... II

Several folks (Raine, llamawrangler specifically) have posted updates to the Challenge. I'll work on getting those linked in shortly...

Challenge status update XII

Y'all are blowing me away with what you've submitted - this has far and away exceeded my expectations. Well, we've reached the "official" end of the contest, although half of us (myself included) have some catching up to do!

To sum up the latest entries, and there are quite a few...

• Anna - "Weakness & Sorrow", "Peace", and "Love"


• Caitlin - "Play", "Stillness", "Joy", "Movement", "Strength", and "Work"


• jkrunning - Just Keep Running - "Weakness"


• Kat - "Hate", "Play", "War", "Joy", "Sorrow", "Movement", "Stillness", "Work", "Peace", "Love", "Weakness"


• Krys - "Joy"


• Misty - "Movement", "Stillness", "War" and "Weakness"


• Nic - "Weakness", "Love", "Work", and "Sorrow"


• Porcelaintrees - "Peace", "Joy", "Play", "Stillness", "Weakness", "Sorrow", "Work"


• Raine - "Work"

Updates to come...

Hey all - today's the "last" day of the challenge, although I know I'm not done, and will continue to finish out over the next several days. I'll be getting a final wrap up update in either late tonight or tomorrow morning... Stay tuned...

Challenge status update XI

Hi all - we're rapidly bearing down on the self-imposed deadline of the 11th... that's this Saturday for those whoa are counting. Now, personally, I may need a few extra days to finish up, so...

A few additional entries today: Anna submits "Play", caitlin with "Sorrow" and "Peace" (sorry, missed these in the last update), Kat has tentatively entered "Movement", Krys adds "Peace", and Tomorrowsangel adds "Movement".

Challenge status update X

And a very happy evening at the Oscars to everyone! As of today, we officially have entries from every participant in the Challenge. So, without further ado, here are the latest posts:

Anna adds "Work", jkrunning -- Just Keep Running adds "Strength", krys (finally!) adds "Sorrow", "War", "Play", and "Stillness", miniAnn adds "War" and "Sorrow", Nic adds "War", porcelaintrees adds "Strength", "Hate", and "War", and Tomorrowsangel with "War".

Challenge status update IX

So here I am, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, alarms start going off, lights start flashing, balloons fall from the ceiling, and a man appears out of nowhere with an enormous check...

well, it's not exactly like that, but, YAY! we have our 12th contestant as of today - a warm welcome to Porcelaintrees who jumps right in with two entries: "Movement" and "Love" - I especially like these, as they go in a different direction than I would have otherwise anticiapted. Great stuff!

We also have new entries from jkrunning -- Just Keep Running - "Hate" and "Sorrow", Raine with "Sorrow", and Tomorrowsangel with "Peace".

Challenge status update VIII

You'll forgive me if my mind has been otherwise distracted the last few days.

I'm pleased to say that just about everyone has now submitted at least one entry (krys/miniAnn - what's up?). The lastest updates come from... anna with "Joy", "Strength", and "Hate", caitlin with "Hate", and jkrunning -- Just Keep Running with "Play" and "Work". Kat submits her first entry with "Strength", as does Misty with "Work". Closing things out is Raine, bending the rules a bit with a double entry for "War & Hate"

...and endings

I started this blog nearly seven months ago ("In search of a topic") as a place to publicly work through the end of my marriage in an examined and grounded way.

Today, the journey is over. The divorce is final.

How do you quantify a failed marriage? Acknowledging that it was doomed from the start does not make it any easier. How do you say goodbye to someone that you once envisoned having children with? How do you allow someone to just fade away? It's hard to relegate something that was once so tangible, with such potential and promise, to a mere memory.

Thank you K., for living up to your promise of conducting yourself in an adult and compassionate way. I can't think of any better parting gift. I only hope that I've been able to conduct myself in the same way. I truely hope that you're able to find happiness in whatever form that takes.

Today, the journey is over. But life goes on. A new journey awaits, just around the corner.

Beginnings...

My good friends Andrew and Tamara tied the knot last night in a wonderfully low key and intimate wedding - I'm truely happy for both of them and wish them all the best as they start their new life together. I think one of the reasons that I had such a good time was that the guests were comprised mainly of friends, both new and old - so my hat goes off and a heart felt thank you to Andrew and Tamara for throwing such a wonderful party.

Challenge status update VII

Good morning everyone! Anyone have a hangover from last night? :) I'm pleased to announce that Misty has decided to join us in the hunt, and that we have a bulk of entries since the last update: First, I neglected to include jkrunning -- Just Keep Running's entry for "Love" in the last update - sorry!

On to the new entries - jkrunning -- Just Keep Running has added "Peace", Nic has added "Strength", "Play", "Joy", "Peace", "Movement", and "Stillness", and Tomorrowsangel has added "Joy" and "Weakness".

For those keeping count, we now have 11 participants, and are two weeks away from the deadline of March 11th! Keep up the good work!

Challenge status update VI

You folks are picking up steam! Very exciting. Latest entries are from anna - "War", caitlin - "War", and jkrunning - Just Keep Running - "War". Tomorrowsangel, on the other hand, has taken a different course with "Love", which is good, since she's getting married tomorrow (!).

All the rest of you slackers better get moving! :)

Happy Birthday Nic!

Only 26? Young at heart I suppose :) Birthdays for Yay!

Challenge status update V

A number worthy entries today - First we have Caitlin kicking things off with "Love", followed by Tomorrowsangel with "Hate", and finally, llamawrangler reapears with a heafty six entries: "Work", "War", "Joy","Play", "Strength", and "Hate". This makes llamawrangler the first to cross the halfway point. Time to get to work!

Happy Birthday Amy!

Another year older, are you another year wiser? Yay for birthdays!

Challenge status update IV

Happy Tuesday to everyone. Caitlin from Confessions of a Geeky Mama has signed on to the challenge, and is kicking things off with a touching entry for "Weakness". jkrunning -- Just Keep Running has added an entry for "Stillness", as has Tomorrowsangel - "Stillness". The rest of us (myself included) have some catching up to do! I'd imagine that between last Saturday's festivities and this Friday's activities, most of the rest of us should be able to get at least _one_ entry to our name... :)

BTW - it's not too late to join in! We have 10 contestants so far, with a goal of at least 12.

Oddly appropriate...

Picture Show :: Instant Mess

no comment.

Challenge status update III

Let's all welcome Anna and Kat to the contest, and take a look at jkrunning--Just Keep Running's latest entry for "Joy", and Tomorrowsangel's entry for "Strength", which is a combination of pictures and prose.

We're at 9 contestants - surely there are at least 3 more of you out there, just itching to get in on this?

Challenge status update II

Hello everyone! We have two entries already! jkrunning--Just Keep Running submitted an entry for "Movement", and llamawrangler has submitted "Love".

So, here's the plan. I've added a side bar (look right) to keep track of everyone's progress. (Peer pressure anyone?) Feel free to post your entries as you have them to your journal/blog/site/wherever. I'll monitor your sites and add links as I see them - or alternatively you can let me know when you've posted a new entry and I'll update the list.

Once my camera returns this weekend (lent it out - DOH!), I'll post a picture of the grand prize that we'll all competing for.

I'm still hoping for at least 4 more people to join in on the fun, so tell everyone you know!

Challenge status update I

Excellent - we have seven (7!) contenders for the title so far. I want 12, an even dozen, so I can say:

onetwothreefour, fivesixseven.... (stumbles over the open void)

ach, can't do it with only 7 people. I know there are at least five more of you out there! Time's a wasting!

V-day

So, perhaps I have not, in the past, fully appreciated how much V-day sucks for the single person. Make me happy by saying you'll be competing in the challenge!

An open challenge to you, my reader!

So, I know you occasionally (or religiously) pass through here, looking for, who knows what.

What if you were out there looking for, you know what?

I'm issuing an open challenge to anyone and everyone. Who knows, this could be fun! Think of this as a scavenger hunt. This will probably be easiest if you already have a livejournal or blogspot or some other online journal/blog type thing on which to post your results. If you don't, I can help you get something up and online if you would like to participate (and I hope you will).

The rules are purposely vague. The only hard rule is that you must find/create/compose each item yourself. No help from anyone else. This must be your own work.

The task is to find (take a picture, quote an article, attach an audio or video clip, etc.) or create (write a story, poem, essay, draw a picture, build a sculpture) something that best represents each of the following:

Strength
Weakness
Love
Hate
Work
Play
Joy
Sorrow
War
Peace
Movement
Stillness

The deadline is March 11th. That's 4 weeks to find or create something to represent each of these items. Let me know if you're planning on participating so I can link to your site or where you'll be posting items, etc. Grand prize is a pair of tin cat/dog lanterns, to be passed around from time to time as new hunts are arranged and new victors are crowned.

think SNOW!

Yay! Snow is on the way! Hooray! It'll be a fine day! Go outside and PLAY!

[adjective]:

Quiz Galaxy: "

chris -- [adjective]: Visually addictive 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

"

Not so sure about that, but ok.

Hello world

Not dead, just keeping my head above water. Much going on as of late - all things we do to stay engaged with life, but ultimately it's all paperwork. I think the real stuff in life can't be filled out in a form and notorized, or submited electronically (heh - apparently a blog is not real stuff), or submitted on an invoice. Life begins and ends with the self, and those around us. Hose that up and you're really screwed. Make it work, and ultimately nothing else really matters. So, I'm working on not hosing it up.

And aren't I all sorts of self absorbed?

Piano Balls

I seem to have slipped into regurgitation hell, what with doing the blog equivalent of forwarding jokes to my entire address list, but bear with me. I'll try to keep these to fun things, and you can ignore them if you'd like.

Piano Balls

AFGO

Boy am I glad _this_ week is over. Anyone out there familiar with AFGO (Another Farking Growth Opportunity)? Well, this week was full of 'em. Great stuff and all, really, but geez.

A little pick me up

I think we all need a collective smile :)

FUH2 Fuck You And Your H2

To whom it may concern...

And to those for whom this does not concern, go out and play for a while.

Ok, now, for everyone else - I love all of you and hope you can find a way to work through this. My life is infinitely richer by having all of you in it.

That is all.

I _rule_

I survived the firedrill of passing my MS certification exam. I have not felt that level of anxiety about _anything_ in I don't know how long. I mean, how bad would it have been if I had failed? It's only just about the easiest exam I could have taken.

Anyway, while that was clearly the low point of my weekend, there were plenty of high points as well to even it all out - a study in contrasts, if you will. There was Tamara's birthday bash on Saturday (Happy B-day! you can never say it too much). There was the car show on Sunday. There was hanging out with friends Sunday evening. Plenty of very worthy distractions to keep it all balanced.

And then there was the rush to the finish line. Driving to McD's Sunday night (Monday really) at one in the morning for coffee in a vain attempt to stay awake a little longer. There was giving up at 2am and succumbing to sleep. There was struggling to wake up at 6am and resume cramming. There was loading a practice test on my laptop and answering practice questions in the car, in the parking lot, outside the testing center, 20 minutes before the test is to begin. And still not sure if I'm going to pass the damn thing. And then the sweet, orgasmic relief of "Your final score is 813. You need 700 to pass. Congratulations". It was almost a religious experience.

Roommate search

So I've put an ad on roommates.com to rent out the other bedroom, and got one definate hit and one possible hit today. In fact, the one definate guy may be stopping by on Monday to check the place out. I'm feeling pretty uninformed going into this process, so anyone with any advice on things to look for/ask about/look out for would be much appreciated. This one definate guy is 35, separated, apparently (from Googling him) into motorcycles, recently out of 10 years in the military, and in the techie world, possibly VoIP or some such thing.

Any input? Anyone?

The Peekaboo Paradox

The Peekaboo Paradox

Go read this right now. Comments required, I'll wait.

Cram this!

I've been tapped to be the lucky soul to cram for an MS certification exam on Monday so we can keep our Certified Partner status, which expires on Tuesday :) I've got my weekend cut out for me.

Wrestling

I'm all sorts of wonderfully sore this morning from a wrestling match yesterday with a friend. Great masculine fun. Uggg - me man, me put smack down. Hear me ROAR.

Ok, not so much the roaring.

And, much celebrating of birthdays this weekend - Happy B-day (one day late) to Tamera!

Jittery

today. Like too much caffine without the benefit of coffee breath.

Quiet evenings

I spent close to two hours reading in my comfy chair last night before bed. I had pretty much all the lights off except for my reading light over the chair. Baxter the dog was sleeping on the couch and Freddy the cat was sleeping on my lap. The only sounds were the refridgerator kicking on and off and the rain on the windows.

My bruised credit card

Went out to my car Monday morning, turned the key, got nothing but a click. The click of death. The sound of a car flipping you off. The sound of Monday. Used the roadside assistence feature of my insurance, got the car towed to the shop. As you can probably guess, the starter had died. And the batttery was leaking. And the part had to be ordered, so I had to rent a car. Bloody hell. $700 later, I have my car back, but definately need to pull in some consulting on the side to offset all this nonsense.

Overheard

"Chris, I'm going to staple your foot to the floor"

Library time

On the way back from shipping my DVD player off to be repaired, I stopped by the Shirlington branch of the county library. I haven't really been in the library since high school, but here I was, poking around in the trashy new fiction section. Found what look to be three fun throwaway novels, which I look forward to reading in my comfy chair in the newly furnished living room. Especially now that NetFlix is out of commission for the next two weeks.

It is good

I slept this weekend. A lot. and Chris said it was good, saw it was good, and it was good.

I made a round trip to Florida to see a client on Wednesday. Went with our CEO, and we solidified that relationship, and it was good.

I think I'm finally, _really_ moving back into the house. I pulled furniture in from the front room and spread it around the downstairs a bit. The front room was previously my favorite room in the house when K and I were together. I was "my" space, and I found it comforting. But it's really a two season room, too cold in the winter, and too hot in the summer, so I have not really been able to use it since I've been back, and certainly not in the past several months. There is a buffet type table that I pulled into the dinning room, and my favorite comfy chair that I've pulled into the living room. In hanging a sculpture of my face that was done by a friend 16 years ago that I found again in the basement, the downstairs now feels comfortable again, and mine - for the first time since I moved out. Even though my favorite room is now empty. And it is good.

K and I sat down today and filled out the online, do it your self divorce paperwork today. Being with her had the feeling of a summer camp reunion, where you idealize the good memories, and fuzz out the uncomfortable ones. And you know you won't ever be as close as you once were with the people you were so intimate with. You thought it would last forever. And, in a nostalgic kind of way, it is good.

Eat like a king

Today I discovered that I had, excluding pennies, $8.35 in loose change in my desk drawer. So I indulged myself and bought lunch today. Yummy.

New pics

at Life, Pixilated

Balance

Today I had balance in my life.

Productive day at work, home at a reasonable time, off to the gym where I got to feel my body again, back home to walk Baxter around the neighborhood. Made a good, healthy dinner, watched a good movie, write a journal entry and then off to bed.

I put this all down because it is important that I not lose this again. This balance. Balance is important.

Kids are funny

so there are these three kids who live across the street, and they _love_ Baxter the dog. At any opportunity they will come over to play with Baxter the dog. I've given them a key to the house so they can check in on Baxter the dog when I'm running late at work or some such thing. And they're great, don't get me wrong, but they're funny too. I have chocolate ice cream in the freezer which they like to dip into from time to time. The funny thing is, they don't want me to know that they're dipping into the forbidden chocolate ice cream, so they'll be _very_ careful about scraping off just the top layer of ice cream in such a way that it's not immediately obvious that some of the ice cream is missing. And they'll make sure to put the spoon they used into the dishwasher so I won't notice it. But then they'll leave chocolate fingerprints all over the refridgerator! Kids are funny.

Happy birthday to me!

Today I am 32.

Thursday

I've been feeling less verbal lately, so I'm more likely to update my pics blog than the written one for a while. Just a heads up.

Life, pixilated

I've started a new blog devoted to visual impressions of the world - Life, pixilated, so stop by and tell me what you think.

How long is 6 months?

Remembering the 6 month anniversary of your first date - sweet

Arriving at the 6 month anniversary of the end of your marraige - sad

Seems so long ago now. Even longer since we were happy. Longer still until we're happy again.

We can dance, we can dance everyone look at your hands

Who knew? After being dragged, practically kicking and screaming, to an evening of dancing w/ K & A on Saturday, it turns out that I had a _GREAT_ time, and was actually pretty good if I say so myself. So I signed up w/ them for the 8 week Monday night course in the Sling Hustle and Manhattan Hustle, which, as I'm learning, I _really_ like, and am also especially good at. At least so far. I was feeling really down and out of it today - putting the final touches on my house refinance, and all the meaning and thoughts that go along with that. Feeling a little like I'm coping out because I'm still at my current job. But DAMN! I felt good after the dance lesson tonight. Wow. What else have I been missing out on in life?

That's a question. Please tell me - I'm curious.

Crazy Mokes � Monday Morning Blues

Crazy Mokes � Monday Morning Blues

So I'm reading my friend Amy's most recent post, and finding myself, yet again, readjusting my perspective of the people in my life. We're not all 20 anymore, at school, pretending to be adults, but not really. And now I see my friends with kids, and being parents, and great ones at that. And I realize that one could say, with authority, that we've reached adulthood.

I was reading the Monday Morning Blues, and felt an ache deep inside. How can it be that everyone around me is moving forward, expanding their families, while I feel like I've reset my clock once again. Everyone is outside playing in the warm summer sun, and I'm stuck inside for summer school, held another grade. Jealousy sucks. Living vicariously sucks. I'm tired of being held back. Maybe if I study harder I'll pass this time.

blah

ha

11/11 Dream - Hail to the Chief

11/11 dream - POTUS

Part I - i've worked hard at my office, and at the end of the day I go to a woman who is an office admin or travel agent type of person. she puts together a 'thank you' package - it's kind of like a bonus. it turns out to be a 5 day trip to anyplace in the continental US that I'd like to go - all meals, transportation, and spending cash is included. I just need to keep my reciepts to be reimbursed. so i pick up this really cool bonus packaage, and am heading out of the office. since it's late, everyone is gone, including the woman now. the problem now is that this bonus expires in a few weeks, and i really don't have time to disappear for 5 days.

Part II - i've gone up into a suite at a nice hotel - it's several floors up and i take the elevator to get there. inside the suite are a bunch of people, all assistants to President Clinton. I'm jusst a low level staffer apparently, so i stand off in the corner. the president and his higher level staff are sitting around a crowded table. then the oppoistion party comes in and sits down at the table. apparently this is an investigation meeting by the opposition against Clinton to interrogate him for something he's done wrong or that they did not like.

Part III - I'm going back up the elevator in the hotel, but this time i have baxtor with me on a leash and a female companion (not sure if she's my mother, sister, or who). as i go into the same suite, i instruct baxtor to sit in the main sitting area of the suite. the same people as before are there, but this time it's clear that i'm the new president elect, and that Clinton is the outgoing president. this time i'm to meet the same people as before, but for more of an introduction session. Clinton and his staff are still sitting at the table, and i'm going to remain standing while other people come in. I'm nervous and feel awkward and not entirely in my skin as president. And so the opposition party starts to come in. some people ignore me, but most walk by and shake my hand and introduce themselves. as the introduction go on, i start to feel more comfortable in this role. We finally sit down at the table - the opposition party is gone now - it's just my staff with me, and we're planning out how we're going to run this administration. different staff are responsible for different parts, such as health care and other things. my mandate to them is that we find one major pieces of the old administration - i don't really care which one, as long as it's relatively major - and keep its plan. the reason it to show that we can work with everyone and that this is not going to be politics as usual. even though we're working with the old administration, we're still going to be in charge though. my staffers are skeptical of this, especially the one guy who won't get to creatte a policy decision because we're going to re-use the old one.

Now i'm walking down the street in the city, by myself. i'm pretty much unrecognized. i walk up to a side street where there are a number of 'regular' people milling about. eventually a game of ball starts up in the street, and i join in. I'm having a blast, and am settling in to my role as president. eventually some of my staff finally catch up with me, and we head off.

now i'm walking down the middle of the street like i own the place. we're going to a resturant that is below ground, and as i'm heading down the steps, i put a cell phone call through to my staff and instruct them to be completely unpolitical in our administration. i will definately not play dirty, and i will take any blame that is mine to take for any problem that comes up. but we will be agressive in making things better. i'm not shooting for reelection in 4 years - if the people like what i'm doing and want to reelect me, then great, but i'm not going to compromise myself and this administration just to win reelection. i have to be firm with my staff to make them understand this, and some of them are disappointed, because they were more into the politics of governing rather than the governing itself.

11/5 Dream

note - it's the middle of the night, just woke up and am getting these down before the details fade. i'll try to clean them up and add commentary later.

Part I - i'm in a house, which seesm to be my current home, although it's unfamiliar. i'm living iwth kurt and my sister, who are also there. it''s night time, and it's raining and storming outside. across the street is where i used to live, and i need to go there to get my old mail which is still being delivered there. so i go out, thinking i can just run through the rain quickly and get this chore over with. in the middle of the street i run into my mail person, a woman, who seems a little off her rocker. she seems harmless, but is a distraction non the lesss.

i eventually get across the street and retrieve my mail, which is in a big bundle, and return to the house. as i sort through the mail, i realize the real piece of mail is from my bank. it's a weekly package, and it is quite a bundle of stuff. it seems to be a summary of every transaction i made in the last week - reciepts, statements, notices, all sorts of stuff. it just litterally all falls out of the folder in a jumbled mess of a pile of stuff. i think that's interesting, but not useful. i stuff it all back into its folder and stack it with the previous four weeks worth of weekly returns and put all of them intlo a shopping bag. just the five weeks of stuff is so full of stuff that it barely fits into the shopping bag, and in fact rips part of the bag open.

my friend kurtwho is in the house is complaining that he never gets any mail. i realize that i've been getting the mail for the entire house every day, and sort through it, tossing the junk mail, and dealing with the bills. there is actually no mail that is addressed to either him or my sister, but i realized that it is unfair to not inclujde them in the process once in a while.

Part II - i'm witjh a don cheatle (pretty sure i've misspelled his name) type guy, visiting fort lauderdale in florida. it's after hurricane wilma has just hit, so things are a little third world-ish. it's hot and muggy. we're going to a small local airport where he has an airplane and a pilot that is essentialily a bush pilot, flying into remote areas to deliver supplies and what not. outside of the airport is a Subway stand (always with the subway). I love Subway, and it's getting close to lunch time, so Don and I get in line to order a sandwich. this subway is essentially a food cart by the side of the road. i usually get tuna, but because it's hot and i might not eat the entire thing now, i decide to get turkey, which i believe wlll keep longer. when it's my time to order, i put my order in, but the people behind the counter just can't seem to get the order right. the people running the counter are a woman, her two daughters, who are making the actual sandwiches, and a very disinterested highschool aged boy, who is obviously new at this - he's mainly watching the portable TV behind the counter. because the girls keep getting the sandwich wrong, i'm starting to comlain, which is when the woman who runs the place, and is the girl's mother, show up to my right. i turn to her, and she trys to explain to me that they're making me a different sandwich than what i asked for, and that i shoudl try something new, and that i'll like this, and that it's a great sandwich, blah blah blah. i'm infuriated by this. how dare she change my sandwich?!?! this is what i've been getting for years - this is one of the two sandwiches that i know and love! and i don't think i even like the stuff they're putting on the new sandwich!! i'm face to face with the woman - we're inches away, and i think i can just (literally) bite her face off and maybe she'll shut up, but i don't. i'm yelling at her, and she just keeps saying the same thing back to me - i'll like it, i'll like it. Finally i stomp off back towards the car without my sandwich, without Don, in a show of leaving. although the secret is that i'm not actualy going to leave. in fact, my keys have disappeared at some point - they're not in my pockert, so i couldn't leave even if I wanted to. but the important thing is that i want the woman to run after me - leaving is my only leverage point, and i'm playing it to the hilt. fortunately the woman does come after me. although she dosen't catch me until i'm almost to the car. she says something about making it right for me, although it's clear that she's still going to have her daughters make a slightly different sandwich than what i'm used to. the difference, however, is that she's now doing a better job of describing what she's going to put on the sandwich. as we walk back to the Subway stand, i say something back to her, and get some spit on her nose (don't you hate that?). I immediately go to wipe it off and appologize, but she brushes me off and say that's not necessary.

We get back to the counter. the girls have finished making my sandwich and have handed it off to the boy to wrap up. He has it sitting on a napkin, and it's clear that he's going to wrap it in the napkin instead of the wax paper. his back is turned momentarily, and the woman mutters under her breath that this is not correct. it's clear that now that she has convinced me to try the sandwich, that she won't let a simple thing like it not being wrapped correctly get in the way of it getting presented correctly. So she pulls the napkin out from under the sandwich. Then the boy turns around and makes like he's just going to put the sandwich directly in the plastic bag! clearly a newbie, and obviously not in tune with the process. and obviously not even connected enoujgh to realized or care.

so i get this sandwich that everyone claims i'll love. it was supposed to be a turkey and swiss on wheat with may and lettuce. that's what i wanted. but what i got instead was one piece of turkey - a gesture towards my original sandwich, but a whole lot of roast beef, sautee'd onions, and a whle lot of red onions. and the whole thing is hot. man oh man am i disappointed. i can feel the diappointment showing on my face. i _hate_ onions, especially where they are the main focus of the food. i can't _stand_ onions. this is not a variation on my sandwich - this is an entirely different sandwich altogether!!! i'm devistated. all that committment of mental energy, the dramatic stomping off, the arguing, the yelling, the compromise, and the end result is awful. just terrible. the very thing that i knew i would never in a million years like. not even worth trying.

the epilogue to all of this is that i pull a few onions off the sandwich, and actually take a bite, and realize that it's really not all that bad. of course now i've made a big fuss about how bad it is, so i'm reluctant to show that maybe i could actually eat it. keep in mind that i still dont' really like it, but it could be edible if i had to.