Balance

Today I had balance in my life.

Productive day at work, home at a reasonable time, off to the gym where I got to feel my body again, back home to walk Baxter around the neighborhood. Made a good, healthy dinner, watched a good movie, write a journal entry and then off to bed.

I put this all down because it is important that I not lose this again. This balance. Balance is important.

Kids are funny

so there are these three kids who live across the street, and they _love_ Baxter the dog. At any opportunity they will come over to play with Baxter the dog. I've given them a key to the house so they can check in on Baxter the dog when I'm running late at work or some such thing. And they're great, don't get me wrong, but they're funny too. I have chocolate ice cream in the freezer which they like to dip into from time to time. The funny thing is, they don't want me to know that they're dipping into the forbidden chocolate ice cream, so they'll be _very_ careful about scraping off just the top layer of ice cream in such a way that it's not immediately obvious that some of the ice cream is missing. And they'll make sure to put the spoon they used into the dishwasher so I won't notice it. But then they'll leave chocolate fingerprints all over the refridgerator! Kids are funny.

Happy birthday to me!

Today I am 32.

Thursday

I've been feeling less verbal lately, so I'm more likely to update my pics blog than the written one for a while. Just a heads up.

Life, pixilated

I've started a new blog devoted to visual impressions of the world - Life, pixilated, so stop by and tell me what you think.

How long is 6 months?

Remembering the 6 month anniversary of your first date - sweet

Arriving at the 6 month anniversary of the end of your marraige - sad

Seems so long ago now. Even longer since we were happy. Longer still until we're happy again.

We can dance, we can dance everyone look at your hands

Who knew? After being dragged, practically kicking and screaming, to an evening of dancing w/ K & A on Saturday, it turns out that I had a _GREAT_ time, and was actually pretty good if I say so myself. So I signed up w/ them for the 8 week Monday night course in the Sling Hustle and Manhattan Hustle, which, as I'm learning, I _really_ like, and am also especially good at. At least so far. I was feeling really down and out of it today - putting the final touches on my house refinance, and all the meaning and thoughts that go along with that. Feeling a little like I'm coping out because I'm still at my current job. But DAMN! I felt good after the dance lesson tonight. Wow. What else have I been missing out on in life?

That's a question. Please tell me - I'm curious.

Crazy Mokes � Monday Morning Blues

Crazy Mokes � Monday Morning Blues

So I'm reading my friend Amy's most recent post, and finding myself, yet again, readjusting my perspective of the people in my life. We're not all 20 anymore, at school, pretending to be adults, but not really. And now I see my friends with kids, and being parents, and great ones at that. And I realize that one could say, with authority, that we've reached adulthood.

I was reading the Monday Morning Blues, and felt an ache deep inside. How can it be that everyone around me is moving forward, expanding their families, while I feel like I've reset my clock once again. Everyone is outside playing in the warm summer sun, and I'm stuck inside for summer school, held another grade. Jealousy sucks. Living vicariously sucks. I'm tired of being held back. Maybe if I study harder I'll pass this time.

blah

ha

11/11 Dream - Hail to the Chief

11/11 dream - POTUS

Part I - i've worked hard at my office, and at the end of the day I go to a woman who is an office admin or travel agent type of person. she puts together a 'thank you' package - it's kind of like a bonus. it turns out to be a 5 day trip to anyplace in the continental US that I'd like to go - all meals, transportation, and spending cash is included. I just need to keep my reciepts to be reimbursed. so i pick up this really cool bonus packaage, and am heading out of the office. since it's late, everyone is gone, including the woman now. the problem now is that this bonus expires in a few weeks, and i really don't have time to disappear for 5 days.

Part II - i've gone up into a suite at a nice hotel - it's several floors up and i take the elevator to get there. inside the suite are a bunch of people, all assistants to President Clinton. I'm jusst a low level staffer apparently, so i stand off in the corner. the president and his higher level staff are sitting around a crowded table. then the oppoistion party comes in and sits down at the table. apparently this is an investigation meeting by the opposition against Clinton to interrogate him for something he's done wrong or that they did not like.

Part III - I'm going back up the elevator in the hotel, but this time i have baxtor with me on a leash and a female companion (not sure if she's my mother, sister, or who). as i go into the same suite, i instruct baxtor to sit in the main sitting area of the suite. the same people as before are there, but this time it's clear that i'm the new president elect, and that Clinton is the outgoing president. this time i'm to meet the same people as before, but for more of an introduction session. Clinton and his staff are still sitting at the table, and i'm going to remain standing while other people come in. I'm nervous and feel awkward and not entirely in my skin as president. And so the opposition party starts to come in. some people ignore me, but most walk by and shake my hand and introduce themselves. as the introduction go on, i start to feel more comfortable in this role. We finally sit down at the table - the opposition party is gone now - it's just my staff with me, and we're planning out how we're going to run this administration. different staff are responsible for different parts, such as health care and other things. my mandate to them is that we find one major pieces of the old administration - i don't really care which one, as long as it's relatively major - and keep its plan. the reason it to show that we can work with everyone and that this is not going to be politics as usual. even though we're working with the old administration, we're still going to be in charge though. my staffers are skeptical of this, especially the one guy who won't get to creatte a policy decision because we're going to re-use the old one.

Now i'm walking down the street in the city, by myself. i'm pretty much unrecognized. i walk up to a side street where there are a number of 'regular' people milling about. eventually a game of ball starts up in the street, and i join in. I'm having a blast, and am settling in to my role as president. eventually some of my staff finally catch up with me, and we head off.

now i'm walking down the middle of the street like i own the place. we're going to a resturant that is below ground, and as i'm heading down the steps, i put a cell phone call through to my staff and instruct them to be completely unpolitical in our administration. i will definately not play dirty, and i will take any blame that is mine to take for any problem that comes up. but we will be agressive in making things better. i'm not shooting for reelection in 4 years - if the people like what i'm doing and want to reelect me, then great, but i'm not going to compromise myself and this administration just to win reelection. i have to be firm with my staff to make them understand this, and some of them are disappointed, because they were more into the politics of governing rather than the governing itself.

11/5 Dream

note - it's the middle of the night, just woke up and am getting these down before the details fade. i'll try to clean them up and add commentary later.

Part I - i'm in a house, which seesm to be my current home, although it's unfamiliar. i'm living iwth kurt and my sister, who are also there. it''s night time, and it's raining and storming outside. across the street is where i used to live, and i need to go there to get my old mail which is still being delivered there. so i go out, thinking i can just run through the rain quickly and get this chore over with. in the middle of the street i run into my mail person, a woman, who seems a little off her rocker. she seems harmless, but is a distraction non the lesss.

i eventually get across the street and retrieve my mail, which is in a big bundle, and return to the house. as i sort through the mail, i realize the real piece of mail is from my bank. it's a weekly package, and it is quite a bundle of stuff. it seems to be a summary of every transaction i made in the last week - reciepts, statements, notices, all sorts of stuff. it just litterally all falls out of the folder in a jumbled mess of a pile of stuff. i think that's interesting, but not useful. i stuff it all back into its folder and stack it with the previous four weeks worth of weekly returns and put all of them intlo a shopping bag. just the five weeks of stuff is so full of stuff that it barely fits into the shopping bag, and in fact rips part of the bag open.

my friend kurtwho is in the house is complaining that he never gets any mail. i realize that i've been getting the mail for the entire house every day, and sort through it, tossing the junk mail, and dealing with the bills. there is actually no mail that is addressed to either him or my sister, but i realized that it is unfair to not inclujde them in the process once in a while.

Part II - i'm witjh a don cheatle (pretty sure i've misspelled his name) type guy, visiting fort lauderdale in florida. it's after hurricane wilma has just hit, so things are a little third world-ish. it's hot and muggy. we're going to a small local airport where he has an airplane and a pilot that is essentialily a bush pilot, flying into remote areas to deliver supplies and what not. outside of the airport is a Subway stand (always with the subway). I love Subway, and it's getting close to lunch time, so Don and I get in line to order a sandwich. this subway is essentially a food cart by the side of the road. i usually get tuna, but because it's hot and i might not eat the entire thing now, i decide to get turkey, which i believe wlll keep longer. when it's my time to order, i put my order in, but the people behind the counter just can't seem to get the order right. the people running the counter are a woman, her two daughters, who are making the actual sandwiches, and a very disinterested highschool aged boy, who is obviously new at this - he's mainly watching the portable TV behind the counter. because the girls keep getting the sandwich wrong, i'm starting to comlain, which is when the woman who runs the place, and is the girl's mother, show up to my right. i turn to her, and she trys to explain to me that they're making me a different sandwich than what i asked for, and that i shoudl try something new, and that i'll like this, and that it's a great sandwich, blah blah blah. i'm infuriated by this. how dare she change my sandwich?!?! this is what i've been getting for years - this is one of the two sandwiches that i know and love! and i don't think i even like the stuff they're putting on the new sandwich!! i'm face to face with the woman - we're inches away, and i think i can just (literally) bite her face off and maybe she'll shut up, but i don't. i'm yelling at her, and she just keeps saying the same thing back to me - i'll like it, i'll like it. Finally i stomp off back towards the car without my sandwich, without Don, in a show of leaving. although the secret is that i'm not actualy going to leave. in fact, my keys have disappeared at some point - they're not in my pockert, so i couldn't leave even if I wanted to. but the important thing is that i want the woman to run after me - leaving is my only leverage point, and i'm playing it to the hilt. fortunately the woman does come after me. although she dosen't catch me until i'm almost to the car. she says something about making it right for me, although it's clear that she's still going to have her daughters make a slightly different sandwich than what i'm used to. the difference, however, is that she's now doing a better job of describing what she's going to put on the sandwich. as we walk back to the Subway stand, i say something back to her, and get some spit on her nose (don't you hate that?). I immediately go to wipe it off and appologize, but she brushes me off and say that's not necessary.

We get back to the counter. the girls have finished making my sandwich and have handed it off to the boy to wrap up. He has it sitting on a napkin, and it's clear that he's going to wrap it in the napkin instead of the wax paper. his back is turned momentarily, and the woman mutters under her breath that this is not correct. it's clear that now that she has convinced me to try the sandwich, that she won't let a simple thing like it not being wrapped correctly get in the way of it getting presented correctly. So she pulls the napkin out from under the sandwich. Then the boy turns around and makes like he's just going to put the sandwich directly in the plastic bag! clearly a newbie, and obviously not in tune with the process. and obviously not even connected enoujgh to realized or care.

so i get this sandwich that everyone claims i'll love. it was supposed to be a turkey and swiss on wheat with may and lettuce. that's what i wanted. but what i got instead was one piece of turkey - a gesture towards my original sandwich, but a whole lot of roast beef, sautee'd onions, and a whle lot of red onions. and the whole thing is hot. man oh man am i disappointed. i can feel the diappointment showing on my face. i _hate_ onions, especially where they are the main focus of the food. i can't _stand_ onions. this is not a variation on my sandwich - this is an entirely different sandwich altogether!!! i'm devistated. all that committment of mental energy, the dramatic stomping off, the arguing, the yelling, the compromise, and the end result is awful. just terrible. the very thing that i knew i would never in a million years like. not even worth trying.

the epilogue to all of this is that i pull a few onions off the sandwich, and actually take a bite, and realize that it's really not all that bad. of course now i've made a big fuss about how bad it is, so i'm reluctant to show that maybe i could actually eat it. keep in mind that i still dont' really like it, but it could be edible if i had to.

I decided to take the scenic route to Wind Cave, located 2 hours away in the Black Hills of SD. The scenic route is a pretty desolate way to go. A whole lot of open space, and not many people. I'm beginning to enjoy being quiet. I think I've talked to 2 people so far on this trip.

Day 4 - drizzles, high of 40 degrees, overcast, basically a fantastic day to be out and about. I quickly learn that my choice of campground is not as centrally located as I originally thought. Mount Rushmore, Wind and Jewel caves, and Crazy Horse are all 2 hours away from me. But hey, I like my car :)

Mitchell, SD - the Corn Palace. Basically a big stadium, its claim to fame being that each year they redecorate the outside of the building with a different theme, make entirely out of corn.

Solitude in motion

Something you don't see too much of on the east coast...

SPAM!

Day 3 - stopped by the SPAM museum today, and wouldn't you know it, Monday is the only day of the week that they're not open. 'DOH! But the gift shop was open, so I squished a penny and moved on. Took a side trip to Pipstone National Monument to see where Native Americans have been quarrying stone for sacred pipes and other items for centuries. Drove nearly the entire width of South Dakota today, arriving at my campsite just south of the Badlands after dark. Driving in through the Badlands and being the only car on the road with no street lights, the full Milky Way overhead, and my headlights illuminating ghostly towers of sculpted sand and rock was an other worldly experience. 561 miles, 11.5 hours on the road. Total distance from Arlington, VA to Interior, SD, 1,804 miles!

Day 2 - a particularly lush campsite. This is just outside of the SPAM factory - we'll be there tomorrow - and at a rest stop before arriving here, there was what I thought was a cattle truck. That was until I heard all the screaming pigs inside. Pleasant. This is the first night that I saw the Milky Way in the last 15 years. Also ran across a series of side of the road billboards for "gunssavelives.com". I'm going from memory here, but one of the ads was "Terrorists love gun control". Lovely. I finished listening to "Catch Me If You Can" on audio CD - much better than the movie for the areas where the two overlap, but the movie includes areas of the author's life after the book ends, such as working with the FBI. 635 miles today and 11 hours on the road. I'm getting good at setting up my tent in the dark.

But I should start from the beginning. Day 1 - stopped in at the Antietam battlefield on the way out, and then drove for a long time. 608 miles, 11.5 hours on the road. This was the first campsite. I'm very glad to be on the road at this point. 10 days is long enough that you don't have to be worried about transitioning back to work right away - you can enjoy the ride, as it were.

Time to share the goodness. Day two on the grand South Dakota adventure, in Hayward, MN

Get your obligatory post here!

Ok, it's been brought to my attention that I took this really great trip all last week, and haven't posted anything about it since. Honestly, I've been having a hard time focusing this week - this last Tuesday would have been anniversary number 2. Today I have the closing on the first of two refinances to put the house in my name. This refi also gives K. the buyout from the house, which puts me in an awkward financial position as I was just breaking even before that. Not really sure what the final impact of that will be, but it keeps me awake at night with anxiety. And then my annual (8 months late) review is finally getting started, and the first thing I hear is that our President as well as the "Chairman of the Board" are having a hard time justifying my existence. Which really pisses me off. Work had been my "safe" place, relatively speaking, but now it's starting to feel suspiciously like my other relationships, where I'm under appreciated by the person I'm with. I think our CEO is on my side, but come on! It's disappointing to have thought that my contribution to the team was clear, only to learn that perhaps it's not.

On a happier note, I have close to 350 pictures from the trip to sort through, and I hope to being pushing them up today. Details of the trip to come as well, I promise.

South Dakota, here I come!

I'm finally getting excited about my long awaited road trip. I'm heading out to South Dakota to visit Mt. Rushmore, Crazy Horse Monument, the Badlands, a decomissioned Minute Man missle silo that is now a national park, Jewel and Wind caves, and of course, Wall Drug. I'll be staying at a variety of KOAs (Kamp Ground of America). Here are the technical details:

Saturday, October 1
Finish one final thing for work and leave Arlington as early as bloody possible. Drive 582 miles to Indianapolis in 11 hours. Check in to the Indianapolis KOA where I'll be admiring their "long, level pull through, and beautiful shade trees."
Contact phone - 800-562-0531

Sunday, October 2
Leave Indianapolis, drive 640 miles to the Albert Lea/Austin KOA which is midway between Minneapolis and Des Moines. This should take about 10.5 hours. If it's still light out, I might take a swing at the driving range.
Contact phone - 800-562-5196

Monday, October 3
Stop by the Spam Museum in nearby Austin. Get my fill and head out to my final destination, the Badlands/White River KOA in southwest South Dakota. Only 455 miles and 7.5 hours today.
Contact phone - 800-562-3897

Tuesday, October 4 - Friday, October 7
Make the rounds of Mt. Rushmore, the Badlands, Crazy Horse, Jewel and Wind caves, the Minute Man Missle Silo, and Wall Drug.
Contact phone - 800-562-3897

Saturday, October 8
Say fairwell to South Dakota and head south east to the Kansas City East KOA. 667 miles and 11 hours. If there's time, stop in at Harry Truman's house. I'm sure he's expecting guests.
Contact phone - 800-562-7507

Sunday, October 9
Drive east, passing through St. Louis. Stop and take pictures. If I'm feeling ambitious, take a trip up the arch. Continue east to the Cincinnati South KOA. 567 miles, 10.5 hours
Contact phone - 800-562-9151

Monday, October 10
553 miles and 10 hours to home. Ready to be there, not making any stops, head straight on till morning.

9/20 Dream - Trying something different

Part I - The Encounter

I'm in a resturant with A., and one of her male co-workers shows up and joins us. Even though there is nothing outwardly obvious about them, I suddenly know that they have been having an affair. I demand that the guy leave, which he does. Then I excuse myself, and make my way rapidly to a friends place, because I know I need to talk this out with someone.

Part II - The Journey

My friend's place is on the 17th floor of an apartment/condo building. I get on the elevator with a bunch of other people, and we all select the floor we're looking for. Mine is the first one, so up we go. The elevator is shooting up _really_ fast, almost too fast for me. The walls are all glass, so I can see how fast and how high we are going. I alternately close and open my eyes and hope for the ride to end quickly. Finally we get to my floor, and I get off.

Part III - The Friend

I'm in an open patio/atrium. There are apartments on both sides of the atrium. There is a party going on here, and it's obvious that this is the high rent district. There are ornate decorations and plantings, sculptures and fountains. I finally find my friend's apartment at the end of the atrium, behind a bank of sculptures and fountains. I ring the bell and his wife answers the door and invites me in. They have a new bathtub in the foyer that they're waiting to have installed, and my friend's wife makes a big show of showing it off to me. We go into the apartment, and despite knowing that this is the high rent district, I know that my friend's place is more "normal" than the other high rollers. We talk and I wake up.

9/16 Dream - A Drama in Five Parts

Part I - The Race

I'm running through a college campus, with a definate end point in mind, but not sure of what that is or where I'm going. I find myself running through the crowds, from one locked door or gate to another. When I come to the first locked gate, I realize I have a key in my hand, so I try it in the gate, and the gate opens. I run through many gates this way, once or twice finding the key does not work, so I back track and run to the next gate.

Finally I get to a building, and run down an external set of stairs to a door just below ground level. This building is a dorm, and the key fits the door. I go inside, and two guys come in behind me. I'm in a short hallway, the walls are kind of grungy with a faded blue paint, and the doors are dorm room doors with numbers on them. There are at least 10 doors, 5 on each side, and I have no idea which one to try. I also don't want to give myself away to the two guys who followed me in, because I know I don't belong in this dorm, but I don't want them to know that. I walk down the hall, and come to the last door which is the bathroom. Making like I belong there, I duck into the bathroom, hoping that the two guys will go into their rooms, and them I can come out and figure out which door to go into. I enter the bathroom, but to my chargrin, one of the guys comes in behind me. Making like I just finished what I was doing, I go back out, and find the hallway empty. I take a look at the key I have, and realize that it has a room number on it. "Pretty stupid - any fool who finds this key can break into the owner's room" I think, but luckily I'm the fool who found the key. I quickly find the correct door, and just as I'm turning the door knob the other guy comes out of the bathroom and asks me what I'm doing. He says I don't belong here. I mutter something about being the owner's brother, and slip into the room, closing the door behind me.

Part II - The Struggle

I know where I am! This is A's dorm room! The room snaps back and forth between two different scenes. The first is that the room is empty, and I start poking around, looking under the bed and in her desk and shelves to see who she is and what she's become. The second scene, however, is that I'm with a partner/team member from some special forces group, and there's a bunch of bad guys in the room. There are two drums of something bad, and I'm trying to figure out what's in the drums so we can stop them. I have my camera, and am taking as many pictures as I can, of the bad people, and of the drum. Trying to document it all. As I'm doing this, the bad people are dragging the drums out of the room. It's all chaos; the room is too small for this many people; we can't move around, the bed is in the way, I'm on the wrong side of the room, and eventually they get out the door and away, but not before I'm able to get a pretty clear picture of the drum label. It's some sort of chemical - I know I'll have to take the picture to one an analyst, becuase it dosen't make any sense to me.

Just then I look up, and out the window (we're at ground level), and see A. pull up in an old station wagon. Then she comes into the room.

Part III - The Battle Begins

Now we're out in the lobby, in a scene that jumps back and forth from the lobby to just outside the building, but in a World War I kind of hell, with bombs going off, the enemy just over the hill, smoke, no grass, only mud. I'm working on fending off the attacks as they come. The preferrred method of attack seems to be throwing hand grenades at us. Fortunately, I'm able to grab them and throw them back before they go off. Eventually one makes it way to us, I throw it back, but then they throw it back to me. It becomes a "game" of hot potato, with me throwing it over the hill, it coming back, me throwing it to the guys to my left, them panicing and throwing it back. Then I realize that it's just a drink coaster, and a pretty nice one at that, so I hold it up to the guys to my left, laughing, as if to say, look at what I get!, and keep it. The guys to the left seem upset that they didn't realize it was a coaster, and that they could have kept it.

Part IV - The Romantic Interlude

Finally the battle is over, and we all go back to A's room. Initially it's just A and myself. She's lying on the bed, and I'm sitting with her. It's a really nice reunion - she has her knees up, and they're leaning on me. My arm is resting on her knees. We're all smiles and warm talk. We talk about everything that has happened, and nothing at all. We lean in, and just as we're kissing, the rest of the group comes into the room. There are looks around the room that say, well about damn time!

Part V - The End

But we decide we need to go back out and scavange for supplies. I take my partner from earlier, and we head out. The outside is a waste land. Much destruction, mud, smoke. We find that the bad guys have left some barrels of gasoline where they had been stationed. In come cases they had rigged the barrels to explode, and they already had. But in other cases, we can siphon off some of the gas to take back with us. We wander down the hill, and come to a building with a porch on the front. On the porch is one of the remaining bad guys, and he's threatening us. So I shoot him. But then we realize that there is a young mother with three small children who just saw me shoot this guy. So I have to execute them as well. I shoot the mother first, and then the three children, each one once in the head.

Peace in motion

Happy Birthday K.

Today is K's birthday. While wandering around our local farmer's market a few weeks ago, I found a guy selling vintage New Yorker covers, going back many years. Knowing that K. loves the New Yorker, I took a look to see if he had the cover for the year K was born. Well, not only did he have that year, he had the entire issue for the day she was born! What a find. I just wish I had these kind of good ideas back when K and I were together. So I stopped by her place tonight to drop it off, and she apparently really liked it.

But damn she's looking good, and to hear that one of her old male friends was coming by tonight for dinner and to help her setup her bed, it just punched a hole straight through me. It dosen't help that this is a guy who has shared many of the same experiences she has, and that I could never really understand. My mind just goes off into fifty different scenarios, none of which I like. I know this is all my thing, but still. Fuck me.

Blue skies

We had some nice weather a few days ago. I could use some more.

Happy puppy

double blah

barely hanging on today. the warm fuzzy of numbness is tempting me.

Hide and seek

It occurs to me that I've been hiding lately. Keeping to myself, bunkering down at home, generally wanting to cocoon myself at home and not some out for 40 days and 40 nights, as it were. Let the apocalyptic flood come, but I'll be safe in my ark. Speaking of being safe in an ark, I was very pleased to learn today that my friend's wife's family, who likes in Ocean Springs MI weathered the hurricane safely. Apparently they still have their house and their well being, which is truly a blessing. That picture they show of the bridge that was wiped out going into is only a few miles away from their house, so very lucky indeed. Speaking of lucky, K is out of town this weekend, so I have our (hers now) smaller dog, Nacho, for the weekend. I had let both Baxter and Nacho out this morning while I took a shower, but when I came back downstairs to let them in, they were not there. Somehow the gate had come open, and they wandered out. Panic quickly setting in, I began to run up and down the street shouting their names. Eventually I began to circle the block, doing a full loop before I ended up on the street behind our house, and there they were, busily investigating the trail of a raccoon. The guy who lives in the house two houses back found them in his yard, and had kept them corralled there while he tried to get ahold of either me or animal control. I introduced myself, but in the relief of the moment I've forgotten his name already. My heartfelt thanks goes out to him however, as I was concocting all sorts of doomsday scenarios of what could have happened to Baxter and Nacho, none of them good. This reminds me of the time, as a child, that my friend (from above) and I ran away from my parents house because my mom was serving milk for lunch, instead of koolaide that we knew we could get at his house. Our plan was to walk to his house, several miles away, and across a fairly busy road. We actually made it about 2/3 of the way there, which is probably about 2 miles, before my mom finally found us. I can only now begin to imagine what was going through her head at the time. Ready or not, here I come!

The Hulk

I have met the hulk
exploding with rage
too much time in the cage

clothing in shreads
pulling hair from the head
he rises from bed

kick in the door
pound on the floor
scream out once more

put a stop to the tides
hold back the moon so high
it just can't be done

stop a hurricane from blowing
or the oceans from flowing
it just can't be done

the hulk fades away
I've come to accept the day
When I must stand on my own

fuck.

Cool breezes

I spent a while sitting outside during lunch today - the weather is
perfect, the breeze is blowing, the crickets are chirping. With my
eyes closed, the smell of the cut grass brought back memories of being
out west backpacking through Arizona. Interesting.

blah.

It's been suggested that I go with the flow - feel what there is to feel, etc. Today I feel like like cocooning myself at home, maybe read a book.

8/21 Dream

I'm with A., and we're going to adopt a child. It's quite an ordeal to get to where the kid is, and by the time we get there it's late. Another man has already adopted the kid, and is heading back to his home on a bus. We get on the same bus, and try to figure out a way to convince the kid that he wants to go home with us instead of this other guy, but we can't come up with anything. Then the dream disolves into another chase/be chased sequence where I'm trying to get back to the house before some guy who is trying to catch me.

You can go home.

I moved back into the house on Saturday, spending pretty much the entire day cleaning/arranging/restocking the house. Now my back is just all day uncomfortable. I think I need a deep tissue massage or some such thing. Moving in was a mixture of emotions - sad, especially setting up the office, since that is where K. spent alot of time. But also exciting as I finally have a place to put my roots back down. I had not realized how much of the house had to do with K.- after she moved out it was pretty empty, in more ways than one.

I've been reading over my last several postings, and they're getting me down. I'm finding it depressing and slightly pathetic looking back at what I've written. I've given friends and family a hard time for not wanting to read all of this, but I honestly can't really blame them - I'm not sure I want to read it! Grrrrrrr... However, on that note, last night's dream is next.

Mind the Gap

This is my new favorite movie - although it's a Showtime movie, it really works. It made me cry in sadness, and cry in happyness.

So I move home tomorrow - I feel like this is the Night Before Christmas, and that I should just go to bed so tomorrow will come quicker, but I'm afraid I won't fall asleep. My parents gave me their old silverware and bed linens for when I move back, since K. is taking those items (We've split the "stuff" pretty evenly). I'm still sad deep down about splitting up. I'm sad that this is the last night that K. will ever spend in the house. I'm sad that I never was able to find our connection - I wanted to so badly. I'm sad that we're not going to share new experiences together anymore.

I think perhaps the reality of moving back home will not live up to the fantasy that I've created in my head.

I've shared the existance of this site with a group of my friends, who were generally unenthused by a window into my inner mind. However, now that I've done that, I feel a greater need to share meaningful insight instead of general rambling. On this front, you'll have to be disappointed, as MI (or meaningful insight) only comes on Tuesdays (and sometimes Thursdays). So there :)

The Symphony

It's thoughtful and timid

as if it's not there

This symphony is composed

as if out of air

  

But movement and breath

is more than enough

To create fine music

Just look at this stuff!

Piccallos and trumpets

working in pairs

Violins and cellos

bows made of hair

The breath it is blowing

The bows they are throwing

The music is flowing

Cymbals are crashing!

Timpany bashing!

Tubas all laughing!

The conductor is thrashing!

The audience is dancing,

They're all on their feet!

They cannot sit still in the waves of the beat!

The balcony is shaking!

The seats are all quaking!

The neighbors are waking!

The people are taking

It all the way home

8/17 Dream

The new convention will be to simply give a header line as above for dreams, so they're easier to find - the date will indicate the day of the dream, so 8/17 means last night (today is the 18th). On to the dream -

I'm helping setup a tent, and my task is to assemble several rods that make up two legs and one of the roof pieces of the tent. Because they are no labeled, it's possible to put them together incorrectly, but not really realize it until later. So I've assembled my pieces, and one of the supervisors asks me if I've put it together correctly. I actually don't know if I did or not, but it looks ok, so I say that it is done correctly. So then he goes and is working with my part of
the tent frame when he realizes that it is not assembled correctly. He calls me over and starts yelling at me to fix it. I take the frame apart and am starting to reassemble it. I'm working with my head down, and am embarrased and ashamed about being proven wrong. But as
I work at correcting the frame, this guy keeps on going on and on about what a fuckup this is, and I'm getting more and more worked up - I start shaking, my jaw is trembling, and then I just lose it and break down.

Then there was something about going to a garden, climbing over a iron fence, and looking at a bunch of plants that have been cut down at the ground level. This garden is up at the top of a cliff, overlooking the ocean. I get the feeling that the garden has not been tended to
for quite some time. Then, as I watch, the cut down plants start to sprout flowers - and as I keep watching, they regrow and start blooming. But they don't stand up - because the stalks were cut off at the ground and were angled over, they grow parallel to the ground, straight out.

Ok, so like before, I'll post my thoughts about these in the comments section. I welcome yours as well.

Going away and coming home

Just got back from Dave & Busters where we had a "going away" party for Nic from work, although she's not _really_ going away, she's just "opening up" our San Francisco office (read: she's moving to SF, but not leaving the job). You can read all about that at phasefive.blogspot.com. I'm really going to miss having Nic around the office. First, because she's the no-nonsense one,and every office needs someone like that. Second, she's an outstanding analyst and PM, and I was learning alot from her. And finally, she's one of only two females in our office right now, and that's just too many guys :).

K. finally asked me for some help with the move - just supervising the movers while she has to do something else - not sure what that is, but I've asked, so we'll find out. Three more days and then I'm back home for good. This has been a good week to distract me from this
rapidly approaching end point - I typically break my week down into - full day at work Monday, Tuesday is split in two with my session with CH in the middle of the afternoon, all day Wednesday (although we cut out early today for the Dave & Busters thing), most of a day Thursday at work, but my group stuff in the PM, and then all day Friday. Makes for a nicely varied week.

Ok, not much to report today - very tired now. It seems I have not really shared much in the last few posts, so I'll try for more over the weekend.

Join the Marines - in your dreams!

I told my counselor - we'll call her CH - about this blog, and she
made a comment about "grading" my entries, especially dreams. I
thought that would be funny, but now it's a challenge. I demand a
gold star! On the topic of dreams, however, I think I'll start adding
them to this running stream of consciousness as well.

My dreams, historically, have been vivid, meaningful, and exciting.
The more I pay attention to them, the more I get out of them.
However, the last 2 - 3 weeks have been a dry spell, or just jumbled,
garbled dreams. I suppose this falls in line my general frame of mind
as well - pretty much in a fog. However, the last two nights have
seen a re-emergence of dreamland.

Two nights ago - I find myself wandering around what appears to be a
college campus. I stop at a basketball court to play ball, play a
little tennis, etc. Then I finally make it to class, and walk in
late. As I go to sit down, the professor hands me an envelope with my
attendance records. I have two absences - the first is excused, for
freshman orientation, but the second is unexcused. And now I'm 15
minutes late. The professor had been in the middle of reaming out the
class for not showing up on a regular basis, and now I'm included with
the rest of the group. He says that we just need to show up with no
more than one absence over the semester if we are to have any chance
at passing this AP, Naval Academy course.

Then, last night - I'm in a gymnasium with a bunch of other guys, and
we're all enlisting with the Marines. I'm second in line with my
group, behind one guy who it not entirely going with the flow. I find
myself conforming to the group, standing in line, at attention, etc.,
but all the while I'm thinking, "what am I doing here? I'm not a
Marine", and finding myself conforming externally, but not being
"broken" internally. The guy in front of me is a bit of a clown, but
is also clearly the group leader, as he's at the front of the line,
and is essentially leading us in what we're supposed to be doing.

I'll give my impressions of the meanings of the dreams in the comments
sections. Also, the dream details are not great because I waited too
long to get it all down. More to come.

Long talks and catching up

I just returned from the viewing for Marcia. It turned out to be a nice opportunity to catch up with Steve, Cheryl, Randy, and Doug from my old SEA (Science and Engineering Associates) days, which was my first job as a co-op in college and then for the first year after college. I had a chance to spend quite some time talking with Cheryl, who I have a good relationship with. We talked all about losing relationships and finding ourselves, and what makes for a good marriage and what makes for a good self. I always enjoy our chats, and felt especially "present" during this one, which I take to be a good sign. Now, if I can just take that "in the now" energy and bring it with me to the rest of the world...

My mom asked me for the address to this blog tonight, after reading my sister's blog (see side bar - Adventures in Vet School) - Hi Mom! This should be a little interesting having mom (and possibly dad?) read my blog, as we don't really do the emotion thing in our family. And I'm a little nervous about my mom reading my previous posts, since I talk about being ready to move on, which I am, but I fear that perhaps I was not as "diplomatic" as I could have been. Well, maybe it will prompt additional conversation. Although, honestly, I've done alot of the "deep conversation" bit over the last 9 weeks, and I'm ready for a break.

Tired. Must sleep. More tomorrow. Come back then.

Another Monday in paradise

So I get in this morning, and for the second Monday in a row, something has happened to bring down our ability to do work. At least this morning it is just the phone lines being down - not much I can do there. Last week it was a cluster fuck of power surges, servers going down, and critical servers not coming back up correctly. It took Tom and I 15 hours to get everything back to normal. We spent the entirety of those 15 hours in the server room, with an over ambitious AC unit blowing on us constantly. At 68 degrees. In a polo shirt. Makes for a fridgid existance.

I also found out yesterday that one of the people I worked with at my first job died. She was a tough woman, didn't take shit from anyone. She smoked like a chimney, and was a fan of the sun, so she had the skin of a well worn, lovingly cared for baseball glove. I remember many years ago, when I was working with her. We had gone out to lunch with a bunch of people from work, and ended up at a fantastic Greek restaurant in Old Town Alexandria. Now, if you're familiar with Old Town, you'll know that most of the restaurants, and shops, are in old row houses, with steep, narrow staircases leading up to the second floor. Well, we were eating on the second floor, and on the way down, Marcia slipped on the third or forth step from the bottom. She fell backwards onto her elbows, and slid down to the ground floor. Well, not one to show weakness in any situation, and obviously embarrassed, we kept going. Marcia insisted that she was fine, and she looked ok, so we went back to the office. It was only once we got inside again that we noticed that the sleeve of her jacket at her elbow was soaking. In blood. Turned out that when she landed on her elbow she tore her skin down pretty deep. But she never complained, never said it hurt. What a woman. She was one of a kind, and will be missed.

Group Therapy Session 1.5

aw man. K. just told me that she's leaving her rings for me in my dresser for when I get back. Just brings it all home, yet again. I hate that our relationship has been reduced down to just doing business.

Group Therapy, Session 1

I plan, at times, to treat all of you like one big (or little, for the pair of my readers) group therapy session.

I find myself tiring of interacting with my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love them immensely, but the last few days have seemed like too much. I'm thirty one years old for crying out loud, and living with my parents. I imagine that they must feel the same way. I'm treading on their toes, they're tredding on mine (although I think I'm the bigger imposition). I went to LEGOland with my mom today, and we stopped at the grocery store on the way home. I was pushing the cart, and I had a sudden memory of going grocery shopping with K., and it made me sad to not have that anymore. And then we were in the checkout line, and there was an attractive young woman in line infront of us, and I felt like the big loser, shopping with mom. And then I thought about shopping for myself, and getting back to my familiar food routines, and then I realized that my current food routines are heavily influenced by K., and it made me sad all over again. My counselor is challenging me to be present through this uncomfortable time; to be me and not shut down and tune out. I don't really know who that is, and it's causing anxiety because I'm not feeling like I'm living up to the challenge. Things to talk about this week I suppose.

So I went and rented "XXX - State of the Union", and "The Mind Gap" to keep me occupied. I've been doing alot of krys thinking the last several days, and I need a distraction.

So, if you're up to it, I welcome you to be a member of this big group session. Or don't - I'm just as voyeouristic as the next guy, so I can respect that as well.

LEGOland

So the LEGO exhibit came to town today. I loved to play LEGOs as a kid - it was probably what got me interested in engineering in the first place. But oh my goodness, what a bunch of geeks! And I say that in the best possible way, being a geek myself. So, a quick photo montage...

There were sculptures, this one was this guy's first foray into LEGO sculpting.

Then there's this guy - what's impressive here is that he's created a reflected image in the pool in the front.

For the Maine set

I hesitate to add this because of the implied blind patriotism, but it's still impressive.

and finally, NASCAR comes to LEGOland

Things I'm looking forward to when I move home

My own bed!

Playtime with Baxter the dog
My own food
Space to spread out and work
did I mention my own bed?
Time to be quiet and still and think.
ok, this is a lame list. what else should be on here?

5 things I miss about K.

In no particular order:

1. Spending Sundays going around to open houses. I think everyone in Arlington probably get's the Sun newspaper, which is essentially a glorified real estate listing. K.would pick out a bunch of houses that were in our area and that we might be able to afford (we already own a home). She'd pre-program her GPS with the addresses, and off we'd go.
2. Getting Subway and watching the Daily Show. At the end we were both working late-ist hours, so one or the other would pickup Subway on the way home. 6" veggie on herbs and cheese, lettuce, onion, pickles, olives, sweet peppers (although our favorite Subway stopped stocking them), mayo and dijon mustard - one stripe of each. Oregano as well. Oh, and chocolate chip cookies, but only if they are soft. And always pick up a can of low fat pringles on the way home. Just watching the beginning of the Daily Show gives me a Pavlovian response.
3. Taking road trips. We took a trip to Philly to stay in Center City and tour the QVC studios a few years ago. K. is a big QVC nut, and I'm into seeing all the behind the scenes production stuff. It was really cool, and turned out to be an adventure.
4. K. knitting while we watch a show. The best fun was K. getting all worked up because the beginning of any knitting it really a pain in the ass, or so I gathered from watching her. I never did get the scarf she said she was going to make for me.
5. K. "arguing" with my dad and calling him "kermy". My dad can be a bit of a crumudgeon sometimes, but K. would call him on it, and really could bring out the life in our family. As a side note, my family is pretty WASPy - any show of emotion is a dangerous thing and to be avoided at all costs. K. wouldn't put up with that nonsense. Calling dad "Kermy" turned out to be a term of endearment. I'll miss the dynamic that K. brought to my family.

Self portrait

In search of a topic

So I find myself at a crossroads once again, one relationship in its last dying throes, rekindling lost connections with family and friends, and hoping this is the last time I have to make this particular transition. I've been staying with my parents for the last nine weeks, and have one week to go before I move back into my house. K. and I are working through the delicate details of how to dissasemble a marriage; at times I have a profound sense of deja vu, and at other times it's an entirely new experience.

K. moves out next Saturday, and I move back in. I'll sleep in my own bed for the first time in ten weeks, but I have mixed emotions. I'm at times profoundly sad, energized, depressed, uplifted, and confused. I've spent so much time and energy on myself over the last several months, and I thought I was making progress, but now I find that I've explored only the very tip of the iceberg. I find myself thinking that I should go out and "live", but then find that this inner person is just a toddler, where the entire world can be encompassed in simply tottering along and pulling the flower vase off the table. What seems like huge, significant steps towards independence resolve themselves to be merely the foundation towards basic understanding about what it means to be independent. Independence is not walking on your own two feet and getting into the trashcan, but rather something much more meaningful and profound, and impossible to see when you're only two feet tall.

I find it frustrating to know that I'll only be able to measure the scale of my progress with the benefit of hindsight.

So this is the story of a divorce, the second for me. I'm trying different things this time around, so maybe I'll actually learn something this time. I think myself to be someone who lives in their head, so I welcome insight and thoughts from anyone who tunes in through this journey.

This is who I am

Sitting in the dark

Eating Nerds. Cannibalism?

one must start someplace...

thirty days, have september;
april, june, and november.

all the rest eat peanut butter;
except my grandma,
she rides a bike.

can you swim?